I turn men off!! what's wrong with me??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2005
I turn men off!! what's wrong with me??
8
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 8:12pm

Hi everyone. I'm 21 and i've never been in a serious relationship. the last thing I had close to a relationship was 8 months ago with this guy who abused me in every way except sexually and physically. The lasted 1 1/2 years and scarred me for a long long time. I don't attract men at all. I don't know how to date, I don't know how to meet guys, I've never done it before.

I decided that since I cannot find a loving blossoming relationship (what i really want), there's no point being celibate, i'll just have fun, have sex. I met this guy a month after I ended things with the guy I was talking to. It was stricty sex. We met up, found a motel, had sex, it was ok. I made plans with him to meet up again 2 weeks later, he never talked to me again...we didn't even meet up. The day before we were to meet, I tried to call him to make plans and he never replied. It was 7 months ago.

3 weeks ago, this guy I used to work with and I made plans to just have some sex. We did, it was ok and I contacted him to see if he wanted to get together again. He told me that he's dating some girl so we can't have sex anymore, i think he's lying. I can't find a guy to love me, I can't find a guy who will have sex with me, this is unbelieveable. Sometimes I think I'm cursed. How can I repel guys so much? my friend ended a 4 year replationship with her boyfriend 4 months ago and is already dating someone

I thought if there's one thing guys want it's sex. Who refuses sex? guys tell me I'm sexy, i'm pretty yet don't want me. I'm not even the bad girl type, I'm very down to earth, low key, wducated, relationship type yet they don't want me. When i was younger it was easier finding guys but as I get older, finding men is impossible. I feel like a loser, like I'm a failure or useless.

Do any of you have anything to say about this?? anything? I've now gotten to the point where i'm just 100% confused and lost. I don't know what to do, I don't know what I'm doing wrong or right, I'm just being me but no guy likes me. is this normal?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 10:20pm

Many guys (such as myself) are shy and under-confident around girls. The more attractive she is, the more intimidated we become. Why? Because we're afraid if we come and talk to you and screw something up or say something goofy, you'll think we're creeps or losers and gossip to your female friends about how weird we are.

If you want a guy, be the first to make a move. Most guy will gladly accept any flirt or communication from a female, and even if you screw up or say something goofy, we'll still be gladly receptive and won't gossip to our friends about how "weird" or "creepy" you are.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 8:45am

Hi nk,

Wow, give yourself a break first of all.

You're way too young to decide that you'll never find a loving relationship. First order of business: stop having meaningless sex with men, OK? The more you devalue yourself, the more you will attract men who will also devalue you. Stop feeding into the idea that you can't have a loving relationship.

This sounds like a low self esteem issue to me. You may want to look at the reasons you feel you don't deserve or can't get a good relationship. I think in this case you could benefit from some counseling.

Take care, FG

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 10:03am

I do have something to say about this: stop sleeping with guys as a substitute for a loving, caring relationship. You're selling yourself short.

So you're 21. Big deal. With all due respect, you're way too young to give up and settle for meaningless sex, which as you've stated is NOT what you really want. This is the time to get your education, experience the world, and grow as a human being. Men place real value on women who value themselves. That's why you don't get call backs. They've gotten what they wanted - and now they're gone.

What is it you REALLY want? If you want to be treated as a cheap floozie, go for it. But if you want a caring, blossoming relationship, then that's what you need to work for and hold out for.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 11:56am
I agree with floridagirl and emdeesa, focus on nkyerema right now and forget about boys. There will be plenty of time for that after you have grown into yourself. Besides, boys at this age are mostly walking hormones. Nurture yourself for a couple of years and while you are doing so, some of these guys, hopefully, will mature as well. Want to date? Date, but don't let anyone take advantage of you. Also, I have to tell you, saying "no" when you know that you aren't ready, can be quite empowering!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 10:56pm

>>>I do have something to say about this: stop sleeping with guys as a substitute for a loving, caring relationship. You're selling yourself short.<<<

Why should she, or anybody else for that matter? What’s wrong with desiring sex simply for the pleasure of success or to fulfill the desire of having a warm body next to yours?

>>>So you're 21. Big deal. With all due respect, you're way too young to give up and settle for meaningless sex<<<

And why is such sex meaningless? Why is the search for casual sex any less legitimate than the search for a relationship? Either way, it is widely accepted by biologists, psychologists and so forth that both companionship and sex are basic human biological needs, just like food and water. No person can physically or mentally function in a healthy way without either, so why is one cheaper than the other?

>>>What is it you REALLY want? If you want to be treated as a cheap floozie, go for it. But if you want a caring, blossoming relationship, then that's what you need to work for and hold out for.<<<

This is exactly what I was talking about. Very few men criticize a woman for being to sexual. No man ever complained of a girl who was “too grabby,” or “came on too soon.” That said, very few men call girls “slut” or “whore” or “floozie.” Such words are used as weapon by women AGAINST OTHER women.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 8:58am

The answers to all your questions and concerns have been addressed and debated in several other posts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 12:09pm

>>>The answers to all your questions and concerns have been addressed and debated in several other posts.<<<

No they haven't. All that was answered is why casual sex just isn't looked up to AS highly as men do. But you haven't explained why it should be looked down upon or scorned, or why women are so determined to avoid it at all costs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 12:28pm

There are a lot of responses in this particular thread I am about to link, but I specifically told you why some women do not want to have casual sex in this exact post:


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlsinglelovi/?msg=7445.13



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