I want to start over

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
I want to start over
44
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 5:04pm

Because I think I've gotten too far ahead of myself. I just want to know, what can I do to start talking to a girl I don't know? Because that's where I'm stuck at right now. I can't start a conversation because of a lack of confidence, a lack of any idea of what to say and so forth.

Some of you have suggested that I become friends with a girl so she could hook me up with her friends, but NONE of my former female friends ever even tried to hook me up. And I honestly don't think I have the energy and patience for being "just friends" with a girl again. All my female "friendships" were the most draining and unsatisfying relationships I've ever had.

So please, just tell me, what can I do or say to start a conversation with a girl I don't know but who I happen to think is pretty and is sitting a few seats away from me in class, pushing a shopping cart in a isle at the super market, walking past me in the opposite direction with a group of friends on campus or at the mall? Not hook up, not date, just start talking to?

Better yet, tell me some stories about guys who came up and approached you out of the blue and you felt interest attraction for.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 11:18pm

Honestly, you just start talking to someone. You make a comment about something going on around you, something you're both looking at in the store, some common experience you are both having ("this professor sucks") or whatever. And the confidence thing - you fake it. They don't know you - so they don't know that you have confidence or not. You just pretend. And please don't tell me you can't. Stop with the "I can't" crap. Yes you can.

However, I gotta tell you - the times I've been approached by a strange guy in a grocery store - it hasn't worked. I've never been interested. One guy commented on the apples we were both looking at. We chatted for a minute, "do you live around here," stuff like that. He gave me his card. But I never called him. Wasn't interested.

Had two other guys at this place I used to work. Both guys used to show up (separately, of course) and talk to me about where I was going to school, what I was studying, what I liked to do, what movie I saw recently, etc. Both asked me out to dinner and also gave me their numbers. I didn't call or go to dinner with either one. Wasn't interested.

I hate to say it, but I'm just as shallow as any guy. I chose not to hook up with these guys because they weren't physically attractive at all. Not even slightly cute. And if the cuteness factor isn't there, I'm not interested.

I've had a small handful of hookups. One guy was one I met online. He was extremely intelligent, very good-looking, played guitar in a local club, and had his own sh*t going on. Whether I was there or not didn't matter. But when he looked at me - I was the only one in the room that mattered. He was sexy. And I was well-aware that he wasn't going to stick around. That didn't matter to me. I wasn't in any position to be involved with anyone at that time anyway.

One of the other guys I met in a bar on vacation. I was in Nevada and he was a firefighter from New Mexico who had been called into the area to fight some wildfires. He was extremely cute as well, very tall, not very smart, but had a great physique. He bought me a beer, we chatted about why he was here, why I was here, what I did for a living, and about 20 minutes later he asked me to his hotel room. Once again, I knew what this was, and I was okay with it.

For me, both guys were very, very cute, sexy, and were far from desperate. They could hold their own. I like that. They were also honest about their intentions. I like that too.

Then again, take this into consideration - I'm quite a bit older than 18-21, so my standards are different than a college girl. So take it for what it is.

But the confidence thing - you have GOT to have it. If you don't - you must fake it. You have GOT to pretend that you don't care one way or the other if they say yes or no. No anger, no resentment, no bitterness - none of that garbage. You have got to NOT CARE (even if you really do).

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 1:03am

For me confidence is the biggest turn on. Even if the guy isn't that cute I'll at least talk to him if he comes of as being sure of himself, but NOT cocky. Quit saying that you aren't confident! All you are doing is developing an attitude that sends out a major vibe.

What can you say? Use a prop. If you are both shopping for shampoo, grab a bottle, and walk up to her. "Excuse me, have you ever used this kind of shampoo? Is it any good?" That also opens up the opportunity for you to compliment her hair. Okay, so that is a little cheesy, but honestly, if you appear to be confident it will work. When she starts to answer you, you might even smile charmingly, set the bottle on the shelf and say "you know what, forget about the shampoo. I really just wanted to say that I find you very attractive and I'd like to take you out to dinner sometime." But, warning, to pull this off you HAVE to appear to have total confidence, which you can fake. But if you let her see you sweat, you'll just seem rude and desparate.

If you are in class, lean over and say "What did you get out of last night's reading assignment? I thought ____________" School is a PERFECT prop. Just talk about the class, the professor or ask her what her major is. If she participates in group discussion ask her about it later. I once had a guy come up to me in that situation. During a class discussion I mentioned that I like to run and he later came up to ask me if I'd ever trained for a marathon. It turned into a wonderful conversation.

Remember that people love talking about themselves. And they love to receive compliments. So ask her about herself, or an interesting piece of jewelry, or something that she said in class. Also, realize that most of the time our fears are far worse than how things will actually turn out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 3:22am

I know exactly how you feel....so much so I think you may be my clone.

I feel exactly the same way you do and have spoken alomost the exact words you just did in your post. First of all you need to relax. You probably see a girl and get worked up and really want to get to know her, hook up, or whatever and then you pysche yourself out and don't and then get upset about not being able to do it and so on and so on.

If you just relax and stop putting so much importance on hooking up with cute girls things will come naturally and it will be easier. I know it's hard to do that but thats really the key. And also if youre at a club or bar or party....have a beer or two and loosen up, it will calm your nerves. My approach that I learned to try is that when I go out I usually scan the room and pick out girls I think are attractive and keep an eye on them and wait for them to look my way.

Once they do that I make eye contact with them and smile and see what reaction I get....9 times out of 10 they smile back. After that it makes it a lil easier to approach them because you know they will be a little receptive to you. Go up to them and talk to them.
And talk about anything...anything at all...dont worry about it as long as you dont stutter and fall and drool all over yourself or something else weird you'll be fine. If you make eye contact and smile and the girl smiles back(you should be able to tell the difference between a fake smile and a genuine smile) that means she probably thinks youre attractive so that right there should stimulate your confidence a little bit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 2:28pm

>>>However, I gotta tell you - the times I've been approached by a strange guy in a grocery store - it hasn't worked. I've never been interested. One guy commented on the apples we were both looking at. We chatted for a minute, "do you live around here," stuff like that. He gave me his card. But I never called him. Wasn't interested.

Had two other guys at this place I used to work. Both guys used to show up (separately, of course) and talk to me about where I was going to school, what I was studying, what I liked to do, what movie I saw recently, etc. Both asked me out to dinner and also gave me their numbers. I didn't call or go to dinner with either one. Wasn't interested.<<<

How did you react to them approaching you? Were you atleast friendly and receptive and atleast flattered that they approached you? Or were did you act dismissive of them and tried to ignore them?

>>>But the confidence thing - you have GOT to have it. If you don't - you must fake it. You have GOT to pretend that you don't care one way or the other if they say yes or no. No anger, no resentment, no bitterness - none of that garbage. You have got to NOT CARE (even if you really do).<<<

What does confidence, real or fake, look and sound like? Like I said, I have to struggle just to look a strange girl in the face and not stutter or have my voice fluctuate.

And why is it garbage? Why shouldn't I be angry or bitter at a girl who just rejected me?




Edited 3/29/2007 2:30 pm ET by redonculous
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 2:50pm

>>>And why is it garbage? Why shouldn't I be angry or bitter at a girl who just rejected me?<<<

Because she doesn't HAVE to go out with you. You asked, she said no. End of story. If you get angry or bitter she is not going to care and it is only going to upset you, which will add to your feelings of inadequacy and you'll carry that over into future situations.

I think one of the reasons guys are so afraid to ask girls out is because they give themselves too much importance, as if that one moment is going to be the most important moment in the girl's life, or at least her day. You think that if she rejects you she will be laughing about it with her friends for weeks. So you work yourself up for it as if it is this huge thing, when it's really not.

I've rejected guys and never thought twice about it. That might seem mean, but when I think of them agonizing over it, the whole thing seems a little silly. Not every girl has to go out with you and if she is mean or callous about it, aren't you glad she turned you down? Would you rather she agree to go out with you just because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 5:03pm

Writerchick wrote in reply: >>And why is it garbage? Why shouldn't I be angry or bitter at a girl who just rejected me?<<<

>Because she doesn't HAVE to go out with you. You asked, she said no. End of story. If you get angry or bitter she is not going to care and it is only going to upset you, which will add to your feelings of inadequacy and you'll carry that over into future situations.<

Exactly. Just because you approach someone doesn't mean you'll succeed. You throw the line out there and you may get a bite and you may not. Oh well. Life goes on, you know?

I could be pissed off that my genetics didn't express themselves in a certain way. I wasn't born blonde and beautiful. I could be pissed off that my genetics say that if I even SMELL a cookie I gain weight. I could be pissed off that many guys look the other way because I'm only average-looking - but what exactly would that get me? Nothing. Instead I can have an "Oh well" attitude and go on with life and not let other people validate me and be average-looking and STILL manage to hook up with some really super attractive men.

(And, by the way - yes, I have been the one to approach guys first also. So don't give me that line that I don't know how it is because I've never done it. Bunk. I have.)

In response to how I handed the guys who approached me who I wasn't interested in - I treat them the same as I treat anyone else. I joke around with them, talk to them just as I would any other stranger on the street, but as nicely as possible tell them I'm not interested in a date. I'm not rude to anyone because what does that accomplish? I'm not out here to hurt anyone.

And finally, how do you fake confidence? Now you want a formula. I can't give you a formula. The only thing I can tell you is that you talk to this girl as if she were just another guy. Or you talk to her like you don't care what she thinks of you. If your voice stutters or you shake or whatever, just practice. Really. Go to the mall or somewhere and just practice talking to strangers. Everyone - not just girls. Men, women, young, old, kids... you just practice on your public speaking. Eventually it gets easier. I mean, yeah, you'll STILL get nervous talking to a girl you really like but that happens with everyone. But by then, you'll hopefully be better equipped to fake that confidence.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 5:54pm

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I'm sure that he'd take that, lol.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Sat, 03-31-2007 - 12:09am

>>>If you just relax and stop putting so much importance on hooking up with cute girls things will come naturally and it will be easier.<<<

It's not like I do it on purpose. I would stop if I could, but how can I NOT be attracted to a cute girl I see and want her? How can I possibly shut down my drive or subconscious or whatever when it's part of nature?

>>>I know it's hard to do that but thats really the key. And also if youre at a club or bar or party....have a beer or two and loosen up, it will calm your nerves. My approach that I learned to try is that when I go out I usually scan the room and pick out girls I think are attractive and keep an eye on them and wait for them to look my way.<<<

I've been to a few off-campus parties, but I always feel awkward. I feel like I don't belong and I'm self conscious of the fact that I don't know anyone there, and all I end up doing is sipping my cup and lean against the wall or a corner. I don't even like alcohol.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Sat, 03-31-2007 - 12:20am

>>>I think one of the reasons guys are so afraid to ask girls out is because they give themselves too much importance, as if that one moment is going to be the most important moment in the girl's life, or at least her day. You think that if she rejects you she will be laughing about it with her friends for weeks. So you work yourself up for it as if it is this huge thing, when it's really not.<<<

I don't think that fear is unjustified. I've personally heard girls laugh and gossip about what a "loser" or a "creep" a guy who liked her and asked her out is. Some of these guys where some of my best friends, and it hurt and scared me that these girls were willing to say these horrible things about a guy just because he wasn't charming or handsome or rich or popular, when I perfectly knew they were good guys.

I'm just afraid that I'll be talked about in that same way; that if I don't come off as smooth or funny or charming enough, or if I stutter on a word or break eye contact for a few seconds or otherwise appear too nervous or eager, she's not only going to reject me, but bad mouth me to all her friends, and turn me off in their eyes as well. There's this saying among guys that "if you fail with 1 girl, you fail with 10." Basically, if a girl shoots you down, you'll look like a loser to her, her friends, her sisters and every girl who saw you fail.

That's why I'm nervous about approaching girls. I feel like I need to make my approach as fool proof as possible before I go through with it.

>>>Not every girl has to go out with you and if she is mean or callous about it, aren't you glad she turned you down?<<<

No, because I know there is a guy out there who if he approaches her, she WON'T be mean or callous about it, and it's unfair and unreasonable that she won't give me the same chance as him.

>>>Would you rather she agree to go out with you just because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings?<<<

I would rather she give me a chance and not right me off in 30 seconds. Why is it so much to ask she sit across from me at a table for 1 hour on a Friday night?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Sat, 03-31-2007 - 12:28am

>>>The only thing I can tell you is that you talk to this girl as if she were just another guy.<<<

So I should tell her about this girl I'd like to nail, or a dead baby joke?

>>>Or you talk to her like you don't care what she thinks of you. If your voice stutters or you shake or whatever, just practice. Really. Go to the mall or somewhere and just practice talking to strangers. Everyone - not just girls. Men, women, young, old, kids... you just practice on your public speaking.<<<

I have absolutely no problems with public speaking. I speak in front of class very often and I'm confident in myself when I give a presentation. I work at a clothing store so I have to go up and talk to strangers I don't know all the time. I have no problems with any of that, because I don't want to sleep with my classroom audience, or the customers I talk to every day (I work in the men's department) so I couldn't care less what they think.

But that coolness or confidence flies out the window as soon as an attractive girl comes into the picture. I feel like I can't afford to make a mistake; how else is she going to want to sleep with me if she thinks I'm a nerd or a loser?

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