I want to start over
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| Wed, 03-28-2007 - 5:04pm |
Because I think I've gotten too far ahead of myself. I just want to know, what can I do to start talking to a girl I don't know? Because that's where I'm stuck at right now. I can't start a conversation because of a lack of confidence, a lack of any idea of what to say and so forth.
Some of you have suggested that I become friends with a girl so she could hook me up with her friends, but NONE of my former female friends ever even tried to hook me up. And I honestly don't think I have the energy and patience for being "just friends" with a girl again. All my female "friendships" were the most draining and unsatisfying relationships I've ever had.
So please, just tell me, what can I do or say to start a conversation with a girl I don't know but who I happen to think is pretty and is sitting a few seats away from me in class, pushing a shopping cart in a isle at the super market, walking past me in the opposite direction with a group of friends on campus or at the mall? Not hook up, not date, just start talking to?
Better yet, tell me some stories about guys who came up and approached you out of the blue and you felt interest attraction for.

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Yes a good dead baby joke gets us every time. Lead with that.
I always get approached at the grocery store and flirted with and I like it unlike another poster in the thread, it's much more relaxed and I never look my best so I don't know why it's where most men feel the most comfortable to approach me. But they never say "Hey how about these apples" or anything stupid like this, most just say hi as they are passing and just smile etc.
To be honest I think you go for girls way out of you league, I hate to say it but the way you talk that's the vibe I get. And the fact that you hear girls giggle and laugh about boys who ask them out and they rejected is BECAUSE YOU ARE IN COLLEGE!!!! and the kind of girls you want to hook up with are airheaded stupid hot college girls. They are the paris hiltons of the college campus, the ones that think they are too hot for the school, the ones that think any guy would be lucky to be in their airspace, the ones that once they pop out a kid will have nothing except the memories of how hot they were in college and that's all they talk about are their college days and how they were cheerleaders in high school. They have no substance and nothing going on. I know these are the girls that you want to hit but unless you are throwing touchdowns for the college football team you aren't going to be hitting it anytime soon. SO you may want to focus on a different class of girl and you may want to maybe aim higher (in age I mean) college girls are shallow. (no offense to any college girls here) but it's relatively true, I was somewhat shallow in college too. So maybe try and go for a yummy mummy in her 30's who will let you hit it and show you the ropes.
Smile,
Deirdre
>>>>The only thing I can tell you is that you talk to this girl as if she were just another guy.<<<
So I should tell her about this girl I'd like to nail, or a dead baby joke?<
If this is what you and your friends talk about I can see why not a one of you are getting laid.
Seriously, you need to grow up. Also, you've got about 100 different excuses to shoot down any advice you're given. It's boring.
And this...from lovinhockey -
>To be honest I think you go for girls way out of you league, I hate to say it but the way you talk that's the vibe I get. And the fact that you hear girls giggle and laugh about boys who ask them out and they rejected is BECAUSE YOU ARE IN COLLEGE!!!! and the kind of girls you want to hook up with are airheaded stupid hot college girls.... I know these are the girls that you want to hit but unless you are throwing touchdowns for the college football team you aren't going to be hitting it anytime soon....<
...Is right on the money.
You need to develop some level of maturity. And no one on this board can help you do that.
>>>If this is what you and your friends talk about I can see why not a one of you are getting laid.<<<
I'm sorry to disappoint you, but most guys, young and old, don't spend their Thursday evenings around a fire place, sipping cognac while debating Xeno's Dichotomy while listening to Vivaldi's Cello Concerto in C Major. And even if we did, I'm sure that it would probably repel more girls.
This is what guys talk about with eachother. When I hang out with my friends and we're not either playing our instruments, playing frisbee or basketball or playing video games, we talk about 1) girls we'd like to have sex with and 2) vulgar jokes. It's what guys do.
All I'm saying is that, I don't understand what you mean by talk to a girl as if she were just another guy, because like I said, guys do and say things to each other that would land most of us in prison for either assault or sexual harassment when we do it to women. I can smack my friend's ass tell him a vulgar joke. I can NOT do the same to a girl without fearing some severe legal repercussions.
>>>You need to develop some level of maturity. And no one on this board can help you do that.<<<
Once again, how am I being immature?
Like I said, aren't I MORE mature for understanding my goals and desires? Aren't I MORE mature to realize and admit I'm not ready for and don't desire a serious relationship? Aren't I MORE mature to realize that the desire for sex and the desire for a relationship isn't the same? Aren't I MORE mature to understand that the stigmas around sex are meaningless and idiotic social constructs?
Okay, I promised myself I was not going to "get into this" again, but I have ONE MORE idea and, redonculous, if you say something negative about this, I'm done.
Here's what you do. You see a girl. You walk up to her and with a big smile say, "Hey! What's up!" or "How's it going!" If she's nice to you, keep talking to her (and no, do not tell dead baby jokes - which by the way, at 20 years old I think it's time to retire them - I heard dead baby jokes when I was 12!!!). If she's a witch with a b, just keep smiling and say, "Okay, nevermind then. You have yourself a nice evening!" and walk away.
If you can't think of anything to say off the top of your head that isn't a dead baby joke, then you need to start thinking of possible conversation topics. Look online for suggestions for conversation starters and developing social skills.
>Like I said, aren't I MORE mature for understanding my goals and desires? Aren't I MORE mature to realize and admit I'm not ready for and don't desire a serious relationship? Aren't I MORE mature to realize that the desire for sex and the desire for a relationship isn't the same? Aren't I MORE mature to understand that the stigmas around sex are meaningless and idiotic social constructs?<
No - you're immature to think that you somehow DESERVE some hottie to go out with you just because you asked her, and you get angry when she blows you off. How's that been working for you anyway? Good luck with that.
ITA...and like some others, I am once again sucked into this thread. I guess it's hard to believe the OP really is baffled by his inability to get hot women.
Being so aware of what you want (I.E. casual sex with hot girls) without being equally aware of the miniscule chance of actually achieving that IS evidence of your immaturity. You seem to feel entitled and you think there is some magic formula that will make women want you sexually. The thing is, most girls, even at 18-21 do NOT want casual sex with some random guy. And if they did, particularly the hot group that you covet, they have infinite possibilities with any hot or even slightly charming average looking guy they want on a typical Saturday night. Casual sex is not hard for a woman to achieve.
You come here looking for advice about how to approach them, talk to them, etc. (and really "dead baby jokes"? Are you serious???) and yet you've been really blunt here about saying that you don't really care to TALK to them or get to know them as people, as all you want is the sex. Even immature college girls are likely to see through your "efforts" and recognize your real motives. Even if they ARE the types looking for casual sex, WHAT are you offering them? You don't describe yourself as hot or sound particularly charming. What is the appeal for them? What makes it so desirable to be in your presence? That you are WILLING to have sex with them? They should be inspired to get naked because they have a willing participant?? Well, as I stated, your type is not exactly hard to come by for MOST women (hot or not).
I am not knocking your desire to have sex, and there is nothing wrong with being honest about what you want. If you're not looking for a relationship, then no, you shouldn't lead some girl on. BUT it sounds to me as if you are looking to be someone you aren't, to play an act to get her to sleep with you, you know, get past all that talking crap so you can get to the good stuff. That seems a bit deceitful to me. I mean, why not just walk up to some girl and say "hey, wanna have sex?" That's essentially what you would like, right? Just cut out all the frou frou words and all? I am guessing that would not get you what you want either, but THAT would be honest.
I agree with what one of the posters said on another thread about focusing on school, get yourself a kick-ass high paying job out of college and count on the money to do the talking for you since you don't sincerely want to work on your social skills. You will always be able to find girls that will want to sleep with you for what you can provide. Shallow, but that seems to be what you want. Until then, I'm sorry, but it seems like you have to take what you can get. Realize that you are aiming for girls who are way out of your league and stop being bitter about that. It's how it is. You are saying how you only want "hot girls", why should they settle for less than a "hot guy"?
Ok, I can't believe I'm going to say this, but it seems like more of what you are looking for. If you really just want to have sex, and you are in college, where there are parties and bars, I really don't see why you can't just hook up with some drunk chick. I mean, it sounds crass and all, but to be blunt, I have seen my hot friends settle for way less than they would normally when wearing beer goggles. Perhaps alcohol is the answer. Of course, you would need to do more than sip on your cup in the corner. Get some liquid courage. Honestly, though, I'd say be careful what you wish for. I guess since I was never a 2o year old guy, I just don't understand the allure of some hot drunk chick you don't know, but if that's what you're looking for, I see random hook ups all the time and the common denominator is alcohol. In that case, you can just flat out say that you want to have sex and some impaired drunk girl who's looking for a good time will go along with it eventually. Just be prepared that she will likely regret it in the morning. And please, for everyone's sake, use protection.
Ugh. I am SO glad I was a mature college girl and have never engaged in casual sex. I understand you are just telling it like it really is for you, but I would be SO sad to know someone with intentions like that hooked up with my sister. There really is a lot more to life than sex. It's a great thing, but it just seems so, so cheap to you. I hope in time, you will understand what we are all talking about in regards to the maturity thing. And do not say that I don't understand the merits of the purely physical side of sex. I get that other people can engage in it without feeling, and hey, more power to you. But I do think you need to be more honest than you have been. Drop the guise of wanting to get to know these girls- you don't want to. You just want to sleep with them. The reality is that very few women are likely to go for that the way you describe yourself and the only ones I can think of that would are really intoxicated ones.
Good luck with that.
Michelle
I have been reading some of your threads but I have never replied so here goes. Have you thought about checking on online sex personals? I'm not sure but I think they may work in a similar fashion to online dating services. Some may charge a monthly fee or you may find some that are free, but the point is that there are probably plenty of hot college aged girls on there that are looking for NSA hookups. Just a thought.
YG
YG
http://twodatediva.blogspot.com/
>>>SO you may want to focus on a different class of girl and you may want to maybe aim higher (in age I mean) college girls are shallow. (no offense to any college girls here) but it's relatively true, I was somewhat shallow in college too. So maybe try and go for a yummy mummy in her 30's who will let you hit it and show you the ropes.<<<
It's not like I'm going for girls who could be models or anything. I just want a girl who's NOT ugly or plain looking; a cute face and a decent body. I'm not asking for perfect bone structure or C cups, but it seems like so many young girls who're even just slightly above average think they're entitled to the captain of the lacrosse team.
And it's not that I'm not attracted to older women. I am, but I still want girls my age. Besides, when I told you guys about how I was attracted to my 39 y/o single-mom boss, all you said was go for girls my age.
>>>You come here looking for advice about how to approach them, talk to them, etc. (and really "dead baby jokes"? Are you serious???)<<<
Of course not. I was just saying that it's impossible for a guy to speak to a woman as "just one of the guys" because we do and say things to each other that are inappropriate and could even get us in a lot of severe trouble if we do or say them to women.
>>>and yet you've been really blunt here about saying that you don't really care to TALK to them or get to know them as people, as all you want is the sex. Even immature college girls are likely to see through your "efforts" and recognize your real motives. Even if they ARE the types looking for casual sex, WHAT are you offering them? You don't describe yourself as hot or sound particularly charming. What is the appeal for them? What makes it so desirable to be in your presence? That you are WILLING to have sex with them? They should be inspired to get naked because they have a willing participant?? Well, as I stated, your type is not exactly hard to come by for MOST women (hot or not).<<<
Just because I don’t particularly CARE to talk with them and get to know them as people doesn’t mean I won’t do it anyway. What am I offering them? I’ll take them out, talk to them and get to know them. I’ll pay for them, I’ll even buy them gifts if I have to. I’ll compliment them, give them attention and so forth. I’ll do my best to be fun and charming with them.
After years of being “just friends” with girls, that guy that girls go to just to use as a crutch for validation or emotional support through some silly drama or imagined insecurity, it is just hard to muster up feelings to excitement or closeness or pleasure when a girl starts revealing her personality to me. All I can think is “Great. This again.” I can't force myself to be genuinely interested in her personality, but at least I won’t lie to her and tell her “I love you” when I don’t, and I won’t be brutally honest and flat out say “I don’t care much for your personality.”
I’ll do things I believe I shouldn’t have to do and I’ll endure things I believe I shouldn’t have to endure just for her. In the end, doesn’t that account towards anything?
>>>BUT it sounds to me as if you are looking to be someone you aren't, to play an act to get her to sleep with you, you know, get past all that talking crap so you can get to the good stuff. That seems a bit deceitful to me. I mean, why not just walk up to some girl and say "hey, wanna have sex?" That's essentially what you would like, right? Just cut out all the frou frou words and all? I am guessing that would not get you what you want either, but THAT would be honest.<<<
It is true that I’m looking to be(come) someone I (currently) am not. And it is true that I want to make all the right moves, say all the right things to 1) get her to sleep with me and 2) keep the talking and “getting to know” her phase as short as possible.
I fail, however, to see why that’s deceitful. Deceitful would be telling her that I love her, or that I want to be committed to her when I don’t, and I won’t lie to her in that way.
>>>I agree with what one of the posters said on another thread about focusing on school, get yourself a kick-ass high paying job out of college and count on the money to do the talking for you since you don't sincerely want to work on your social skills. You will always be able to find girls that will want to sleep with you for what you can provide. Shallow, but that seems to be what you want. Until then, I'm sorry, but it seems like you have to take what you can get. Realize that you are aiming for girls who are way out of your league and stop being bitter about that. It's how it is. You are saying how you only want "hot girls", why should they settle for less than a "hot guy"?<<<
Because I, for one, know I deserve this and that girls need to live up to their talk about looks not mattering or it’s a guy’s personality that counts.
And besides, I’ve seen plenty of attractive girls hook up with average looking or even ugly guys. Why can’t I follow their path?
>>>Ok, I can't believe I'm going to say this, but it seems like more of what you are looking for. If you really just want to have sex, and you are in college, where there are parties and bars, I really don't see why you can't just hook up with some drunk chick. I mean, it sounds crass and all, but to be blunt, I have seen my hot friends settle for way less than they would normally when wearing beer goggles. Perhaps alcohol is the answer. Of course, you would need to do more than sip on your cup in the corner. Get some liquid courage. Honestly, though, I'd say be careful what you wish for. I guess since I was never a 2o year old guy, I just don't understand the allure of some hot drunk chick you don't know, but if that's what you're looking for, I see random hook ups all the time and the common denominator is alcohol. In that case, you can just flat out say that you want to have sex and some impaired drunk girl who's looking for a good time will go along with it eventually.<<<
You don’t think I’ve tried that? Not straight up asking drunk girls for sex, but going to parties in general? The first and only time I’ve made out with a girl was at a college party 2 years ago. We were both drunk, but that couldn’t bother me less. I’ve desperately tried to recreate that night several times by going to parties but its really hard to stand out at a party. I don’t know anyone and I feel like I can’t compete with the guys who’re jumping around, wolfing down shots of tequila and jager, dancing and chatting it up with everyone, and those are the guys who get the girls.
>>>Just be prepared that she will likely regret it in the morning.<<<
That does not bother me in the least bit.
>>>And please, for everyone's sake, use protection.<<<
That is an absolute.
>>>There really is a lot more to life than sex. It's a great thing, but it just seems so, so cheap to you.<<<
I just think too much emotional value is attached to sex. This notion that sex should only happen in the confines of a serious relationship or that it should be with the man of your dreams or with someone who fulfills you in every other way seems nonsensical and frankly, idiotic to me.
It is widely accepted by scientists, biologists, psychiatrists and so forth that sex is a basic human need, just like food and water. So I just don’t understand why sex can’t be had just as easy as food and water? Do we attach so much emotion to eating a sandwich, or filling a glass of water? No, so why should we with sex?
It has been proven that people with active sex lives are healthier, live longer, and that people who go for long periods without sex are more likely to suffer depression, stress, and are more likely to engage in self destructive behavior like drug abuse and suicide. So why are people who pursue sex looked so down upon? Why is the pursuit of sex any less valid or noble as the pursuit of love?
Edited 4/1/2007 11:30 pm ET by redonculous
>>>I have been reading some of your threads but I have never replied so here goes. Have you thought about checking on online sex personals? I'm not sure but I think they may work in a similar fashion to online dating services. Some may charge a monthly fee or you may find some that are free, but the point is that there are probably plenty of hot college aged girls on there that are looking for NSA hookups. Just a thought.<<<
I tried using one online sex personals, but there were few attractive women in my area on that network, my profile received only a few hits and none of my flirts were ever responded to. I just recently canceled my account after 2 months and $59.90.
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