I want to start over

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
I want to start over
44
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 5:04pm

Because I think I've gotten too far ahead of myself. I just want to know, what can I do to start talking to a girl I don't know? Because that's where I'm stuck at right now. I can't start a conversation because of a lack of confidence, a lack of any idea of what to say and so forth.

Some of you have suggested that I become friends with a girl so she could hook me up with her friends, but NONE of my former female friends ever even tried to hook me up. And I honestly don't think I have the energy and patience for being "just friends" with a girl again. All my female "friendships" were the most draining and unsatisfying relationships I've ever had.

So please, just tell me, what can I do or say to start a conversation with a girl I don't know but who I happen to think is pretty and is sitting a few seats away from me in class, pushing a shopping cart in a isle at the super market, walking past me in the opposite direction with a group of friends on campus or at the mall? Not hook up, not date, just start talking to?

Better yet, tell me some stories about guys who came up and approached you out of the blue and you felt interest attraction for.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 8:10am

I'm going to say this only one more time. I'm tired of this...

>...girls need to live up to their talk about looks not mattering or it’s a guy’s personality that counts.>

Hon, looks DO matter if you're only looking for a hook-up. Hot girls do not hook up with average or less than average guys. If that's how it worked, you wouldn't be here right now.

Girls only talk about looks mattering less if we're talking about a long-term relationship. But you're not seeking that. So you're wasting your time. 10s date 10s. 7s date 7s. How would YOU rate yourself?

If you're not hot you're barking up the wrong tree.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 9:12am

I fail, however, to see why that’s deceitful. Deceitful would be telling her that I love her, or that I want to be committed to her when I don’t, and I won’t lie to her in that way.


You've listed just a couple of possible ways one can be deceitful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 9:36am

<<>>>

A guy's personality does count. I was married to a man that I met who the first time I met him I said "who is that geek" but I fell in love with him anyhow. I have dated men that one was a bodybuilder had a fabulous body, then a really chubby guy who had a great personality who really made me laugh, a really skinny guy who just was funny as all get up, a really short guy who wasn't all that cute but was so sweet. There are many of us out here that looks aren't the end all be all.

But my guess is that maybe your personality isn't winning them over either. Your confidence isn't there, and again. You are going after shallow girls that are looking for HOT MEN! and unfortunately you aren't meeting the criteria for them at this point in their life.

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 9:50am

<<>>

You are exactly right! Looks matter when you are just looking for sex. When it comes to long term relationships personality matter. Obviously you aren't looking at someones personality for a night of meaningless sex.

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 1:16pm

<>

Who was the last girl that told you this? Your mom? If some girl somewhere says this to you then call her on it and ask her for a date. Just because you heard this somewhere does not mean that all women every where are obligated to uphold it. Let's see some rationality on this, mmmkay?

<>

You should avoid telling other people what scientists think, since you so obviously have no idea. You lack the most elementary understanding of human behaviour, sociobiology, or evolutionary theory. I have tried to explain some of the important points before but you can't seem to get it. If you ever have sex it will be too soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 2:03pm

>>>So, if you "don't particularly CARE" to talk to them and get to know them yet you're willing to "do it anyway," then what do you call that?<<<

Isn’t that “dating” basically is?

>>>And for what reasons? So you can have sex with them?<<<

So I can demonstrate that I can provide things for her, see that I have a good personality, I’m fun to be with, so THEN she will want to have sex with me.

>>>That IS deceitful. You'd be leading a girl on, leading her to believe you care about her, when you don't.<<<

It’s not deceitful because I’ll never straight up tell her “I love you” or “I care” and if she feels like she’s been “led on,” then it’s only because she chose to imagine something was there when there wasn’t. Besides, like I said, doesn’t the fact that I’ll still do all those things, pour my money, time and energy into her, even when I don’t want to, still account for anything? Don’t I deserve something in return for all that?

>>>That's fine if you don't care about her, but acting like you DO so you can get in her pants is deceitful.<<<

Well I’m sorry that you feel that way. But like I said, I cannot force myself to care for someone.

Believe me when I say that I genuinely wish I wasn’t so jaded, especially this early in my life, but I didn’t chose for things to turn out the way they did for me. I genuinely used to like and care for girls, I used to genuinely wish to spend time with them, get to know them as people better, let them share their emotions with me and so forth.

But after years of failing to turn friendships into relationships, being rejected and ignored, and ending up nearly halfway through college and still being alone and having never been with a girl, I cannot help but have no faith in girls and relationships. I cannot help but feel like all my time and effort was futile and wasted, and that everything I was told about girls and relationships was a lie.

How could I NOT feel this way? How would you handle it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 6:18pm

So you're basically saying that all men who are in the dating scene don't really care to get to know the girls; they're just doing it because they have to? Wow, you really do have a lot to learn. NO, that is NOT what dating is all about. Yeah, dating is about getting to know someone, but you're supposed to WANT to get to know them; not just go through the motions in hopes of achieving a certain end result.

You do seem to think you know everything about dating, men, and the human race, however, so I really don't understand why you need OUR advice. Especially since you've pretty much told us all we're wrong, about EVERYTHING.

So let me ask you this. What do YOU think your problem is? Why do you suppose you're not having any luck hooking up with women? What do you think the solution is?













iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 7:07pm

>So let me ask you this. What do YOU think your problem is? Why do you suppose you're not having any luck hooking up with women? What do you think the solution is?<

I agree and wanted to add as a question to Redon:

On a scale from 1 to 10, with 10 being most attractive - where are you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 8:45pm

I have found this thread fairly entertaining & now want to add my 2 cents! Given the level of immaturity of this young man, I will give him credit for at least being honest with himself about his motives.


However I find his attitude in general very alarming -- and lazy! And I mean that with all due respect. Let me explain.


<>


Redon -- Why?!? do you feel you deserve a girl to have sex with you? What have you done to deserve any girl? How do you justify that

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 5:37pm

Don't mean to revive this old thread, especially when I have a newer one up on the board, but I just wanted to reply to nvmel8r's post.

>>>Redon -- Why?!? do you feel you deserve a girl to have sex with you? What have you done to deserve any girl? How do you justify that buying a few dinners & listening to her drone on about her day entitles you to sexual favors?<<<

What have I done to deserve girls to have sex with me? I've taken them out, I've talked to them, I complimented them, I was a friend to them, I even gave them emotional support and validation when they acted out and felt irrationally depressed and hysterical over some silly girl-drama. And that's how I justify it. I didn't have to do ANY of those things, so why should I get something in return?

>>>Also If you really wanted to do something honestly about about your looks you could. You can change many, many things about your looks: Hygiene plays a huge part, diet, how often you work out or do physical activities, the kind of clothes you buy, all contribute to your "marketability". And they are ALL within your control.<<<

I don't know what more I can do about my looks. I go the gym and stay in shape. I dress as well as I can, and better than most people. Infact, the only thing I can confidently and positively say about myself is that I have a well above-average physique and fashion sense. I'm pretty slim and have pretty well-defined chest and abs. I wear a lot of Aeropostale, American Eagle, Hollister. I tan, I do my hair. And hygene certainly is not a problem. If anything I'm SUPER-hygenic. I bathe twice a day, brush my teeth 3 and sometimes 4 if possible. What more can I possibly do? The only things I have a problem with is my height and how my face looks, and I can't do anything about that.

>>>And if you have any physical imperfections, just look at Owen Wilson, who, OMG, has a MAJOR physical imperfection but you could say he has overcompensated with humor and personality and it makes him all the more "desirable" to women. I've heard they even call him the "Butterscotch Stallion" because he's such a player.<<<

Do you only date super-models or are you confused with someone else? Because I happen to think Owen Wilson is a very handsome man. What the "MAJOR physical imperfection" are you talking about?

>>>My advice to you is STOP looking at what's wrong with these hot girls who for some idiotic reason do not fall at your feet. And look to what you can/should be doing differently in your life. Are you interesting? Are you able to hold any kind of conversation about anything? Do you have hobbies you enjoy that you could tell stories about? Do you know how to tell a joke? Is there anything you can do FOR YOURSELF that would make you more attractive to the opposite sex? Don't sit back and whine -- do something!<<<

I like to think I'm interesting, and I can hold a conversation and have stories to tell when I'm talking to other guys. But like I said, that confidence flies out the window as soon as a girl steps within 6 feet of me.




Edited 4/9/2007 5:52 pm ET by redonculous