I went on a date in Belgium

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
I went on a date in Belgium
20
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 6:34pm

I briefly mentioned a man I met online many months ago. That was when we discussed meeting each other in person in September.

Well, the much awaited September meeting came...I got home last night...so sad now.

He wrote to me in April, all the way from  (you guessed it) Belgium. I told him what an impossibility. He suggested I kept an open mind. He told me he is 57. (I'm 45). This man is amazing intellectually and I found myself so infatuated and even in love.  The correspondence was not without a hitch. He is somewhat eccentric and difficult, but I figured I had to wade through it just to see what he is like in person. He sent me two pics: a close up shot (he looked OK in this one), and a distant shot with his dog. This one he looked old but still OK.  during the correspondence, he made reference to something he did professionally in 1971, which I found impossible, because he would have been only 16 yrs old. I asked how old he really was. He didn't answer.

He told me he would pay for airfare and hotel. He ended up only sending me 500 euro, and only after I reminded him. After some time, told me he would give me 300 euro more when I get there. But he changed his mind too and came up with some lame excuse that I didn't deserve to get the rest of the money. It's not much considering everything else but still it's the principle.

OK, long story short, fastforward. I arrived in Brussel. He came and we rode the train together to  Antwerp where he lives (35 miles away). As I already suspected, he's much older and looks it. But I didn't let on any disappointment. I found out later he's really 69 (as I have suspected).

He is bad-looking for a 69 years old. He's heavy with a pot belly, sparse white hair. I kept a nice attitude. After all, I've traveled 4000 miles. We've made deep connections in the five months. He's still the same person inside. This indeed was true, after the brief initial awarkness, the conversations quickly picked up. Everything else seemed to check out. I went to his house and was quite impressed with his open and spacious house, sparsely furnished except for the books. He struck me as a an eccentric intellectual without much regard for outward appearances.

A very major problem, besides the appearance is his difficult personality. He got upset very easily and would ignore me as a punishment. I can elaborate more, if you need to know, but in order to keep it short, I would only say, we planned to take short trips and do some sight seeing but because I "forgot" to call him, the plans was canceled. I was in Belgium 8 days but could only count a total of 2 1/2 full days when he actually had fun together. When we get along, it's nice. There's definately romance. The rest of the time, I was left alone in a strange city and worst of all, not knowing whether I would hear from him again.  Had to apologize for doing this wrong and that wrong.

I took off two days to go to Germany to visit my cousin, which took away from our time together but on the other hand this occurred after he got upset and ignored me for an entire day.

The last day, which was tuesday, we got along well, but even though his house was only about 6 miles (and the hotel where I stayed was in the midpoint) from the airport express busline he didn't want to drive me to the bus (which I would take to go to the airport).

I found this very strange and can't understand it myself. While I'm embarrassed to be seen with him, there's an attraction physically and emotionally. I kept running over scenerios in my mind how embarrassed I would be to introduce him to my family and colleagues.

But in the end, I think it would not work out, because of his age and at least as important his personality. I'm tired of being ignored and blamed. Constanly walking on eggshell because this man has big ego and he's never wrong.

I'm so sad now. I kept trying and trying and nothing works. Might as well give up.

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Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sat, 09-22-2012 - 11:26am
It's always nice when you can say, "At least he didn't have hair growing out of his ears!" Now that's trying hard to find something positive!

I tried to respond yesterday, but I lost my Internet connection just as I was ready to hit post. I agree with everyone else. This guy just sounds weird! I think he's probably delusional if he thinks lots of women are after him, especially young ones.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Sat, 09-22-2012 - 10:34am

Freeatlast,

He hasn't written since Wednesday. I have a feeling he's going away, no need to block.

I thought about the tender moments in our R/S and felt sad. Upon furthur analysis, I wonder now if he was more interested in a fantasy R/S. For me the emotional investment was great. Financially it was cheap for him and being a psychopath, it probably didn't affect him emotionally the way it did me. He didn't seem to be interested in having any serious R/S so maybe that was all he was looking for.

I guess if he looked in the right places, he would find a much younger woman who is willing to put up with him, i.e. such as someone who needs a greencard but even then that would not last. To find a much younger woman who is accomplished and intelligent that he can connect with and attracted to him would be very rare. Add to that,  to really love him and put up with his nastiness would be an impossible task. Especially online, the real age alone would scare someone away. That's why he felt the need to lie.

He told me he met a couple of younger women during the course of his daily life who showed interest but he passed them by b/c of me. Oh, well, here's his opportunity to pick up these women on the streets of Belgium but again, he may not want a real R/S.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sat, 09-22-2012 - 8:16am

Wow.. Yes; All i can say is wow...............Sorry but it sounds like you are still attached to this guy for some reason.........

I am so happy you are safe but IMHO its time to delete him and block him and do whatever you can to get rid of him.. end of fun in Belgium and should be the end of him forever..

He def. sounds toxic and wacky and who knows but sociopath comes to mind when he lied so much about everything and is still trying to stay in contact..

Please for your own peace of  mind and safety move on and dont look back...

take care

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Sat, 09-22-2012 - 5:41am

You're right. This person is just nasty.

Before I left he suggested a second meeting in late October. Before we met, he had mentioned he would visit me the next time. However, this time, when I was there, he wanted me to visit again. I didn't say anything.

Now that I'm back in the States and we both had time to think things over, he probably came to the same conclusion as me, it's not going to work. He's written 2 emails. So did I.  It used to be several emails a day. His excuse was he cut his index finger making it difficult to type. Yeah, right.

I can't help but feel sad, surely for myself but strangely for him as well. I guess it's my compassionate nature. Even when this person was mean to me, I still feel sad for him. He's sent me books, discussed many deep personal issues. Nobody is completely bad and maybe certain people have a way of bringing out the worse in each other.

Regardless, should cut my loss and let go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Sat, 09-22-2012 - 5:24am

I don't think it would have made a difference. I'm glad he paid otherwise I would be very upset.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Sat, 09-22-2012 - 5:21am

yes, he's really odd. He fits the physical appearance of a grumpy old man. He has deep lines from the side of the nose to the the mouth, the jawls, the tightness of the mouth.

Come to think of it, he's old looking even for a 69 yo man.

He's around 6 ft but because of the potbelly, wears his pants way down so his legs look really short. OTOH, he at least smelled nice and didn't have hair coming out of his ears. The way he walks or move about reminds of a elephant, sort of slow heaviness with the head bending forward.

He's a combination of unattractiveness and attractiveness. When he talks you know he's not an ordinary person. I was embarassed to be with him but strangely not repulsed. I'm a bit confused myself. Maybe I'm attracted to his mind.

However, when you take into consideration the nasty and contentious personality, this person is very unattractive. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Sat, 09-22-2012 - 5:06am

I live in a suburban area. Most of the population here are not well-educated. Anyway, even when I lived in Los Angeles, had a hard time meeting men. I have never much luck with men. When I look at other women I know, I realize love comes much easier for them. Nothing is perfect, but for me it seems impossible.

Yes, you can meet many handsome doctors and most of them are nice at least on the surface. Afterall their interaction with you are short and circumscribed. We are trained to be nice to patients.  Whether they can make good partners is another issue.  I did have a couple of opportunities in the past (even with my lack of luck) to  but they have long passed.  I was too stupid to know what I needed. 

I like my job here. That was the reason I moved.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Fri, 09-21-2012 - 8:45pm

Have you ever considered moving to another city? I don't know how big is the city you live in.

Given your profession as a doctor, you can easily find a job anywhere.

Maybe you should consider moving to Toronto. We have a large population and you will be new meat so I don't think you would have trouble find a relationship.

 

On a side note, I once went to the emergency dept of the hospital and man the male doctors were so handsome and so nice. :smileyhappy:

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2012
Fri, 09-21-2012 - 4:27pm

Wow.  You must have a LOT more patience and understanding than myself.  I can understand the initial awkwardness but for the love of all that is holy!  WOW

No way.   You had a close call and I am sorry that the happy bubble you had burst so harshly.   Glad you are safe and sound.

Take some time and lick your wounds.

And then be happy that you had the experience and know a bit more than you did before.

So Sorry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 09-21-2012 - 2:54pm

Honestly, unless you live in a very remote area where there are no men, I would suggest limiting your search to men who are within 2 hours drive from your house--ok, maybe 3 hours--but not something that involved staying in hotels.  Certainly not men in Europe.  Believe me, the first night when he started acting pouty because you didn't follow his directions, that would have been it for me.  I probably would have headed for the hotel bar to see if there were any attractive 50 yr old men there--not some old, fat cranky guy.  You can understand now why he has never had a relationship, right?

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