I would like some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
I would like some advice
4
Tue, 04-15-2003 - 8:29pm
A guy contacted me through match.com two Thursdays ago. We started chatting online immediately, from Saturday on to Sunday, totalling 11 hours. Then I suggested that we talk on the phone. So we exchanged phone numbers. He called me on Monday around 10:30pm and we talked for 3 hours. The next night, he gave me a call again, around the same time and talked for another 3 hours. Our phone conversations were always interesting. We seem click very well. I found out a lot of things about him and vice versa. Then Wednesday came, no phone call but just an e-mail, telling me how his day went and that he is lacking sleep because of all the talking we had two nights ago. I replied back to his email. Thursday came, no phone call and no e-mail. So I figure, maybe it's my turn to call. So, I called him, but no one picked up at home and his cell phone was off. I didn't leave a voice mail. Instead, I emailed him and told him that I called. Friday came, no call and no email. Same thing with Saturday. Then late Sunday night, he sends me this e-mail, explaining why he was MIA(missing in action). Basically, he said that it's geeky that we've spent so much time talking on the phone while we haven't met yet and that since we made a pact to be friends no matter what then things are cool. I am not sure what he meant by that. So, instead of asking for more explanation, I just reply back to his email saying this "I understand what you mean and I appreciate your honesty. We are definitely friends, so you don't have to worry about that. Hope all is well and take care." I guess I didn't know what to say, so I wrote a very general response. When reading back what I wrote, it sounded like I am telling him to take a hike, but that's not my intention. Anyways, I don't know if he wanted to me to take a hike either, since I don't know what he meant by his e-mail. I guess, I don't know what happened. We seem to have such a great connection, then he disappears and came back with a confusing e-mail. Here I am, still wondering, or should I say lingering, why did it all ended so sudden? I wonder why he didn't even give me us a chance to meet each other. So, in my mind, I am thinking, maybe I am not attractive enough in his eyes. That is silly, because after so much talking, I don't find him to be shallow or I might be totally wrong. Anyways, part of me still want to know if his really telling me to take a hike. Will this guy call me? Should I send him another email and be direct? Or, should I just totally abandon this. I am very confuse. Anyone with some advice will be greatly appreciated. Thank you

:-(

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-16-2003 - 10:47am
I have met 40 men in person through various on line dating sites, including Match. I think what you two decided to do was a recipe for disaster if indeed you had intentions of wanting to meet someone and not just have a pen pal - and why promise to be friends with a stranger that you never met?

Sure, I have cyber friends - but they are just friends with no romantic intentions (they are all women). Here is how I "do" on line dating - I exchange tops 2-3 emails and usually less. I get a phone number - we have one maybe two short (less than 30 minutes) conversations so I can figure out whether it makes sense to meet - I talk about trivial things mostly but I listen very closely - I listen for too much negativity, sexual innuendo, depression, over-cyncism, racist or sexist comments, cursing - you would be shocked at how a conversation about movies, travel or where you live can reveal so much within 5 minutes. If at any point during this process the man does not take the initiative to talk by phone AND to make specific plans to meet I cut off contact - no such thing as friendship - this is a stranger and IMHO that is as it should be because I am not on a dating site to make friends or penpals.

I am flexible if the man is going away on business, vacation or has stuff going on but typically we meet for coffee or a drink within one week of speaking. I have emailed and spoken to hundreds of men - and met 40 in person - I am very serious about screening, having been almost sexually assaulted once, personally offended several times and have had several very unpleasant experiences - so the screening reduces those risks (but doesn't remove them)

Again, this is just my approach - I am 36, no time to waste, I don't believe any relevant info is learned on email, slightly more is learned on the phone (because of vocie tone and manner) but you need to meet in person to see if there is a click - and I am not talking about looks only - that is a small part of it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-16-2003 - 9:55am
when did you exchange pictures? it could be that he just wasn't attracted to you physically?


other possibilities: he's already got a girlfriend/fiance...

or maybe he's just trying to wait for the right time to make a real face to face date?


Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 04-15-2003 - 9:46pm
When was using match.com, there were lots of guys who I chatted or emailed, and then they dropped of the face of the Earth. It happens more often than not, I suspect. If he wants to meet with you, then he'll ask. In the meantime, move on and don't stay hung up on him. There was nothing to be over b/c there was nothing started. If he is a flake, be glad you learned now and not a few dates down the line!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-15-2003 - 9:00pm
The operative word in your post is "seemed". You *seemed* to have this great connection, but it's all smoke and mirrors until you meet in person. I have been there, done that (well, never for 11 hours!!!!) but I've spent way too much time on the phone and online with people before meeting, and I won't ever do that again. Meet in person ASAP and don't bother with the chatting and phone...it's amazing how that "connection" can disappear when you meet in person!

Move on, and next time, don't fall into the chat/phone trap! This guy *may* call, and you *may* meet, but I wouldn't hold your breath.

Sheri