I'm bummed out (and new here too)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
I'm bummed out (and new here too)
4
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 7:53am

Hi everyone,

I've been lurking here for several weeks. I think I may have responded to one survey but never formally introduced myself. I'm almost 29, and 8 months is the longest amount of time that I've been single since I was 15. I've been a "serial monogamist," if you will. My most recent breakup was 2 months ago. I have a wonderful support system of friends and I have been getting through this breakup just fine.

Okay, so here's where the "bummed" part starts to come in. I'm sorry if this gets long. I just need to let it out somewhere and thought this board might help.

I am not looking for another relationship yet and have had zero interest in starting to date again. Well, until last Saturday night. I went out with some friends to a piano bar. At one point, I noticed a guy standing near one of my friends. I am a rare breed in that I like guys who are heavily pierced and tattooed, which this guy was. I was just going to check him out from afar but my friend had none of that. She tapped the guy on the shoulder, introduced herself, got his name, introduced him to me, and took off!! :D

He and I wound up talking for about 3 hours. He asked for my number and we had a date on Sunday night. We went out to dinner and then had some heavy making out later on. It was very nice but I didn't really see longterm potential. He has a couple of qualities that I consider "dealbreakers." I was up-front about these but he still seemed interested and like he wanted to give things a chance. To be honest, he seemed more interested than I was. When we left each other on Sunday night, I was thinking that I'd just like this to be a casual thing and was hoping that I wouldn't wind up hurting his feelings.

He called me on Monday night and we talked for about 15 minutes. He asked if he could call me on Tuesday and I said yes. Well, he hasn't called since Monday night. I left him a message on Wednesday evening and since it's now Friday morning...yeah, I'm thinking that he's blowing me off. I am not going to call him again because I'm sure he either got my message already, should want to call me out of his own desire, or both.

The thing that surprises me is how bummed I am about this. I mean, *I* was the one who said I wanted to keep this casual. I was the one trying to be realistic about what I could accept, without reservations, in another person (eg, he is a heavy smoker and I know, from experience, that I just can't handle having a partner who smokes). I've never really casually dated (just jumped into relationships) and was hoping to just have some nice and frisky fun with him. That's why I am so shocked that I feel so stung by him not calling.

So I guess why I'm here is to see if it's normal to feel this way. Do I just need to grow a tougher backbone? Or is it normal to feel hurt even when getting to know someone has barely gotten off the ground? Do I need to read "He's Just Not That Into You"? :D

Thanks for any words of wisdom you may have. :)

--Andi




Edited 3/3/2006 7:59 am ET by andi9902
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 9:01am

Hello and welcome!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 4:51pm

I think if you knew you weren't ready to date anyone, you shouldn't have accepted an invite for a date. Those feelings you're talking about probably have more to do with you and your emotions and less to do with this particular guy.

You could read all the books out there but if you're not into dating right now, I think that's all you need to know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 6:39pm
I agree, take a longer break from dating. You are probably still emotional from the breakup and you don't need more dating disappointments to add to it before you heal. I say heal first, give it some time and then date. As far as this guy goes, you seemed to not be that into him anyway either so think of it as a blessing in disguise because if you guys ended up getting attached and then things didn't work out because of the red flags you would be in even more pain. It's best that you don't hear from him I think, even though it might not appear to be that way now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 6:54pm

After a breakup, it's normal to be especially sensitive and I think that's what happened here. Even though you thought you didn't care, it might have been a bit of a blow to the ego or self esteem when this guy didn't call. Dating is rough on all of us, and these rejections or blow offs are never 100% easy, no matter how thick we think our skin has grown.

I agree with the other posters that you should take a longer dating break. I personally don't believe in looking for a rebound fling or casual sex -- and that time and reflection are really the only things that will bring true healing. That's something you have to decide for yourself (whether you can handle a casual thing), but that's just my opinion/experience.

Have fun with your friends and good luck with everything. :)

AJ, enjoying life with C.