I'm CONFUSED. advice please....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2006
I'm CONFUSED. advice please....
5
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 12:24am

Sorry for such a long post, please be patient and help me out thanks so much,)

Ok, so let me start by giving some backgrounds about myself. Im a college sophmore and have had a crush on this guy since Feburary (when I was still a freshman). I lived in the same building with him freshman year. But due the fact that he was an RA and there are regulations, he was just not allowed to date or even party with the residents of the dorm(i am pretty sure though, that girls would still flirt with him and stuff)
Last year, I would find excuse to go to his room to say hi and purposely go to the floor he lives on to study, so there are more chance for me to see him.

Because i am shy and get nervous around him, so nothing at all happened last year, not even any flirting. I am pretty sure he had no idea that i liked him. And back then, it was just a small crush anyway.

This year (since Sept), I do not live in that building anymore and just do not really have a chance to see him (unless I work in his building, my job is to sit in the dorm lobby at night to make sure that no strangers go into the building without some one to sign them in)

So I have been purposely chose to work there a few times since sept. (i have to switch with someone because Im assigned to work at another building) Usually, when he walks by, we would just say hi and stuff, he would not stay any longer than 5 mins.

But one day after work when I got home, i decided to send him a msg online saying "by the way, i didnt get to tell u tonite, but I think you look cute with your new haircut." He replied with something like "thanks I like your haircut too but I didnt notice because i was blinded by your eyes" I know it was cheesy but I thought it was really cute.

Since that time, whenever I see him, he would give me a big hug (he never really did that) . and this one time, when i work there again. He walked by and gave me a pretty long hug (well it wasnt exactly a hug because he was standing up and i was sitting so He just kind of gave me a hug and rubbed my back). and I didnt stand up to hug him just cuz i thought thatd be weird. Then he asked me to hold on to his notebooks while he ran upstairs to grab something. so I gave him the notebooks back after he came back down, then he said thanks and took my hand, (for a second I thought he wanted to shake hand or something, which was kind of weird), but actually he just kissed it. I was so shocked and happy and didnt really know what to say, so i just kind of smiled.
That was kind of odd, but i really love it and think its really sweet.

Being a shy girl, i dont really know how and dont have the guts to fllirt with him in person. ( i really dont quite understand what flirting is) I smile at him a lot tho. But I would sometimes send him msg online to tell him that I think he"s very cute. He would say something like "you too".

anyway, things are not really going anywhere. Im pretty sure hes single at this point. and I feel that he might know or have an idea at least that I am interested in him. But he doesnt do anything. Like if we talk online, id be always be the one to start. and im getting scared of initiating a conversation online cuz i think he would think im annoying or desperate.

I dont know if he is "talking" or "seeing" other girls right now though. Because we dont really talk talk, and I dont know very much about him personally. Like we are friends, but not really really good friends. But I have been developing more and more feelings for him.

So could someone give me some advice on what to do? Like what should I do to take things further?? Is he interested or do you think he is just not interested and I should back off now?

P.S I dont know if this matters, but I and him are not of the same nationality. I'm Asian and He's white. Sometimes i'm afraid that this would be a barrier also.
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The above was written a day or two ago, and today, he asked me to go eat lunch with him. we've never hung out alone AT ALL. so i was so excited. But then, during lunch, i felt that he didn't seem to want to open up(when we talked). But i tried my best to keep the conversation flowing and make a few jokes here and there. I also noticed that his eyes would wander around, instead of looking at me. I don't know why though. When I talk to him at other times,(when I work), he wasn't like that.....

What's going on here? i'm so confused....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 10:17am

I don't think the nationality differences matter - if it makes you feel any better, a friend of mine's brother, who is white, has a serious long-term girlfriend who is Asian.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 11:03am
Taking your hand and kissing it and asking you out to lunch is enough to convince me that he isn't shy or nervous around you. I think you have given him clear signs of interest but he seems reluctant to make a move, so I am inclined to say that he does not have the same level of interest as you. I would suggest you stop trying to read anything into his behaviour unless he makes his interest in you really obvious by asking you out on a date. Hugs and “cute” messages are meaningless. I also suggest you don’t chase him. If you think he is really cute then chances are many other women also do, so it’s highly likely he is used to getting the sort of attention you are giving him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2006
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 1:01pm

Thanks for your reply.
All my friends told me to not look at the dark side (that he was just bored or had no one else to eat with), but I really dont know about him being interested in me.
The lunch was just yesterday afternoon and it ended really quick (~30 mins), so i don't know if I would call that a date. I was 5 mins early, and when he shows up, I sensed that he was gonna give me a hug. But i was too nervous so i just started walking into the place.

When we were done eating, we didn't even hug each other, it was just getting sort of awkward.

I tried so hard to convince myself to think positively, but after hearing opinions of friends and such, i really do think that it's more likely that he was just being nice and that asking me to lunch really didn't mean anything.

I've known as a pessimistic person, but if I try to think so positively this time, I am afraid that I'd just be too optimistic.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2006
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 1:06pm

in fact, I agree with you. I dont see really, that he has interest in me the way I do in him. I don't know what I should do, some tell me that I should make the first move, some tell me to not do that.

I never really believed in girls-making-the-first-move, but I am just afraid that I'd regret if I dont take a chance. You know what I mean?

Grrr....I am gonna try to be patience, to wait for him to make a move, or to wait for my feelings for me fade.........

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 2:32pm

I'm not the best at giving relationship advice but I'll give it a go....

If i were in this situtation I would make the first move, slightly. Do you know what any of his intrests are? Find someting that is going on ( a concert, sports game, etc.) and casually invite him come along. I'd try to avoid flat out asking him on a dinner date or somthing like that because when you are just trying to feel the water making a one on one conversation last the evening can be slightly akward in my experiance. Find something that distracts both of you from feeling pressured to make a romantic move...maybe even with a group of friends. if he doesnt seem interested then you have at least made an attempt and maybe a good friend, if he does seem interested at the end of the night then drop the idea of grabbing a drink or some coffee afterwards. This will give you time to get to know one another better and you won't feel pressured to make conversation becuase you will have the whole night to talk about.

I hope that helped, good luck.