I'm having a sad moment
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|Sun, 04-20-2003 - 11:04pm|
Coming across that note made me really sad for some reason. It's not that I want him back or anything. I think I just miss the type of companionship we had. It was like he always knew when to call and what to say. There was something different about my relationship with him- I think we both cared about each other equally. Every other person I've been with, there's been an imbalance.
Maybe it bothers me so much because I'm really struggling with the fact that Joe hasn't called me. I think I've always felt like I've cared more for him than he has for me. In the brief three weeks before he left, he was doing a lot to change that feeling, and then POOF he's gone. All kinds of things go through my mind. He could have gotten into an accident before he even left. Maybe he doesn't have access to a phone (but I'm not counting on that one). He's been having money troubles, so he could have just turned his cell off while he was gone. It doesn't really matter why. I just want to talk to him and can't.
I'm trying to stay positive. Up until he left, it was apparent to me that he was all for making this work. Then, the last time I talked to him he put up this wall and that really hurt. I could see through it. His "get on with your life" statement wasn't very convincing, but it still hurt. Before that, he was talking about calling me and "when he gets back". He was still talking about when he gets back the last time I talked to him, but I'm really starting to question whether that's going to happen right now. Nothing has changed since then but my confidence, though. I just want him to call, damnit!
He once told me that I'm really bad about being confident about something, and then losing that confidence when I really should have stayed confident in the first place. That's exactly what I'm doing, and I'm trying to keep the faith that he's thinking of me and everything, it's just very hard.
I know that when he comes back, we're gonna have to have a talk about these kinds of things. I can't handle wondering about whether he's still interested or not. He's wonderful when we're together, and I would never dream that we're on different levels. When he's gone, though, it's like he forgets how to pick up the phone. Grrrrr
I have been emailing him and he hasn't responded, so I'm about 99% positive he has no access to a computer for some reason. Either that, or he's just choosing not to use it. I just really wish I knew. It's driving me crazy.
I also think I'm just going through a rut where I really feel like no one cares about me. I know that sounds pathetic, but I get like that sometimes. My best friend called today, and her topic of conversation was her new love interest, who is still married and has a child. She's jealous b/c he's hot and other women flirt with him. I've given up telling her to wise up. I don't think I've actually *talked* to anyone for a very long time. I notice more and more that if I try to start a conversation or mention something that's going on in my life, I get interrupted. That happens a lot. I guess I should just push my way in, but that feels so rude. I wish I could just pull out of this. It seems like I can for awhile, then I'm alone for a bit and I get lonely.
Anyway, I had to get that stuff out. I don't feel like I can tell anyone anything, so my outlet is posting here. You all know more about me than my best friend does, really.