I'm having a sad moment

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
I'm having a sad moment
10
Sun, 04-20-2003 - 11:04pm
I have been so incredibly bored this weekend and decided to do some spring cleaning. As I was going through my nightstand, I found a note an ex boyfriend wrote me. It was just a simple note saying "I'm sorry I missed you. I'll be waiting for your call. I can't wait to see you and I'll miss you until then." He signed it "love." This guy was the person I thought I was the most compatible with- except in one way. The sex was awful. Essentially, he was my best friend. We lost touch when he got a new girlfriend.

Coming across that note made me really sad for some reason. It's not that I want him back or anything. I think I just miss the type of companionship we had. It was like he always knew when to call and what to say. There was something different about my relationship with him- I think we both cared about each other equally. Every other person I've been with, there's been an imbalance.

Maybe it bothers me so much because I'm really struggling with the fact that Joe hasn't called me. I think I've always felt like I've cared more for him than he has for me. In the brief three weeks before he left, he was doing a lot to change that feeling, and then POOF he's gone. All kinds of things go through my mind. He could have gotten into an accident before he even left. Maybe he doesn't have access to a phone (but I'm not counting on that one). He's been having money troubles, so he could have just turned his cell off while he was gone. It doesn't really matter why. I just want to talk to him and can't.

I'm trying to stay positive. Up until he left, it was apparent to me that he was all for making this work. Then, the last time I talked to him he put up this wall and that really hurt. I could see through it. His "get on with your life" statement wasn't very convincing, but it still hurt. Before that, he was talking about calling me and "when he gets back". He was still talking about when he gets back the last time I talked to him, but I'm really starting to question whether that's going to happen right now. Nothing has changed since then but my confidence, though. I just want him to call, damnit!

He once told me that I'm really bad about being confident about something, and then losing that confidence when I really should have stayed confident in the first place. That's exactly what I'm doing, and I'm trying to keep the faith that he's thinking of me and everything, it's just very hard.

I know that when he comes back, we're gonna have to have a talk about these kinds of things. I can't handle wondering about whether he's still interested or not. He's wonderful when we're together, and I would never dream that we're on different levels. When he's gone, though, it's like he forgets how to pick up the phone. Grrrrr

I have been emailing him and he hasn't responded, so I'm about 99% positive he has no access to a computer for some reason. Either that, or he's just choosing not to use it. I just really wish I knew. It's driving me crazy.

I also think I'm just going through a rut where I really feel like no one cares about me. I know that sounds pathetic, but I get like that sometimes. My best friend called today, and her topic of conversation was her new love interest, who is still married and has a child. She's jealous b/c he's hot and other women flirt with him. I've given up telling her to wise up. I don't think I've actually *talked* to anyone for a very long time. I notice more and more that if I try to start a conversation or mention something that's going on in my life, I get interrupted. That happens a lot. I guess I should just push my way in, but that feels so rude. I wish I could just pull out of this. It seems like I can for awhile, then I'm alone for a bit and I get lonely.

Anyway, I had to get that stuff out. I don't feel like I can tell anyone anything, so my outlet is posting here. You all know more about me than my best friend does, really.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 8:36am
I am sorry you are going through this and I understand and relate more than you know. What I want to share is not in the category of "I told you so" it is just a reminder. Months ago when you firt got involved with Joe you took the position that you should throw caution to the wind despite all the obstacles and that if you didn't you'd be missing out. I somewhat disagreed with that approach but my view is irrelevant. My point is, that was your position and you took the risks of this situation happening where you have put a lot into this and right now are not getting enough back. That's the downside but think about how you fought bitterly for the upside - to feel what you felt, to be open to whatever happened, etc. - hold on to that - even if this is over you took that risk and you felt brave because of it. Maybe next time you mignt not or maybe you will but you know now the potential downsides. I think that long distance is very hard and perhaps this requires you reaching out to him again just to calm your nerves and the tape playing in your head? Best of luck to you with this - I am rooting for you!!
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 12:08pm
Thanks Deena. I'm still okay with taking the risk. I'm not throwing caution to the wind (I don't think anyone quite understood what I was getting at with that whole conversation), I've just decided to actually take a risk this time instead of calling it quits when things get hard.

I'm still pretty confident that when he gets back, he'll call. I just need to know that right now, he's okay and he's still thinking of me.

It might be a whole lot easier if I had some support here, but I don't. I think that part of me is ticked off b/c no one seems to care about how hard this has been on me. There's a message that if I'm not his wife, then I don't matter. Another teacher's husband was deployed and I get updates weekly about his whereabouts (I don't even know this woman). A couple of people do ask me about Joe once in awhile, which makes me feel good. I also kinda feel like his job isn't seen as as important b/c he's not in combat. He really wanted to go overseas b/c it's seen as more important, and he feels like his job is lowly. The guys couldn't go if he weren't there, though. It just irritates me.

Anyway, I'm feeling better this morning. I really hate letting stuff out like that b/c I always feel like such a whiner. It's also sunny today, which helps me A LOT. I like stormy weather, but that gloomy crap I just can't handle.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 12:24pm
I'm sorry you're going through this sad moment right now. It hurts to feel loss, especially the kind you're feeling about your ex. He sounds like a great guy. Unfortunately the timing was just off. Hopefully, the venting helped. It sounds like you're going through a lot. My advice? Enjoy the nice weather outside by finding a body of water or some nice scenery to sit by and meditate :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 12:36pm
I think you have every right to whine, b****, whatever. Every person is entitled to their emtions whether they are logical or not. Not saying yours aren't - I am just saying you don't have to justify it by being a wife. You care. Therefore you feel.

I am a little mad at Joe tho. He hasn't even emailed or called...doesn't he know you'd be wondering and worrying? Yes, he does - thats why he tried to create that wall before he left. That wall may be why you are feeling this way! It doesn't help YOU, it only helps HIM. Because he set you free, he doesn't have to feel like its up to him to reassure you. You are acting in accordance with the kind of r/ship you want to have? But the fear is, do you have it?

Maybe he can't contact you. I don't know. I know when J is called to duty, he still emails me - even tho we aren't together! But he knows I care enough to worry, so he does it. I'm glad he does. Tho, I don't need to know anymore...

I think this is a reoccuring problem for you. Because you are saying your friends don't seem supportive and/or don't listen to YOU. This all boils down to not having your needs met in r/ships. Why is that? Are you not expressing your needs/wants clearly? Or are you just not being heard? Why is that? Do you surround yourself with selfish ppl? Because you prefer to be the giver? To be the one leaned on instead of being the weak leaner?

I have no idea. I am just throwing out ideas b/c maybe you can use this time to do some inner growth and introspection?

And we are always here if you need us :)

Go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 1:03pm
soory to hear that, i think it is the rut that makes us think how great it would be to be back with our ex's... i found a letter from when my ex and i just started to go out and i know exactly how you feel i just threw it away and remeberedd why he is my ex
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 1:13pm
Shy, I just wanted to offer a hug and say I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope he calls or emails you soon.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 3:21pm
I know what you mean about not being married. I just take it as a given that dating relationships are not regarded as important as marital/engaged. When I got engaged in 1997 I was treated very differently (as in, a serious grownup) by many people especially at work. So glad you are feeling better - despite our disagreements I have a lot of respect and fondness for you.
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 4:44pm
Awww, Deena, you're gonna make me start crying again. I don't like to admit it, but I'm a big sap.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 8:18am
Thanks everyone for your support. You have no idea what it means to me.

A funny thing happened yesterday. I got my hair cut on Friday, and EVERYONE complimented me on it yesterday. I have never had that many people talk to me in one day. I'm usually just ignored, but yesterday was "Shy Day", I guess. Of course, now I have this standard to live up to. Gotta have great hair everyday now. The funny thing is, I was kind of uncomfortable with the attention. I really don't know how to handle it.

I am feeling better now, but I still am mad at Joe. It's not a mad that I couldn't get over if he were willing to fix the calling issue when he gets back, but I'm still mad. I think my life is just way too lonely, and when I don't have school, I realize how much. Then I get all depressed and the tiniest little thing bothers me.

Being a woman is just a pain sometimes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 12:52pm
Sorry to hear that.

I don't think its a woman problem. Everyone gets lonely. We all want to be loved. To love. To feel connected. And we all have gifts to share.

I hope you are reaching out to ppl - use Shy Day to start a new trend. Remember when I knocked on my neighbour's doors until I found one to go for a walk with? Her and I are friends now. We talked a couple of other ladies in the building into going for a Girls Night Out. You have no idea how one small act will steam roll into fun ;-) Take a chance. Reach out. You may be surprised...Shy has lots to offer, if they see that, they will be jumping at the chance to get to know more of you ;-)

Hang in there. Summer is almost here and its the fun time of year.

Go.