I'm hurt and have a hard time accepting

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
I'm hurt and have a hard time accepting
25
Thu, 10-24-2013 - 1:54pm

Hi everyone,

I guess this would fit better under breaking up but since many of this forum know my sitch for so long. I'd thought put it here.

I've been talking to my x-bf again. he broke up in Aug. For over a month I was kinda ambivalent about dating so it was all good but lately I've been feeling the void and yearning for romance. Two weeks ago, he did come over on a Sat night, we went out to dinner and hugged good night. He hugged me a long time and kissed me on the head. I didnt' really expect anything fast, just wanted to see how it goes after being apart for a month, just restart as friends and see, I guess. He said the next day he would go on a bicycle ride with a group.

Later in the following week I called him. He said he was going to Oct Fest on a date that weekend (that was last wkend). Kinda secretive about it. Anyway, I asked if he would help me with painting a small cabinet, he kinda hemmed and hawed but said maybe. Last night, I called him again. Now, it seems he's been seeing a person supposedly knew her from before but saw her again at the biking event. This person is also a bicyclist and they bike almost daily at times 20 miles in a fairly hilly city.  He never told me he knew any woman before and all of the sudden turns into a quickly dating r/s already?  He also told me he didn't want to help me with anything.  How can people just turn off their feelings like that. Granted, we had problems but I've always have deep care for him and if it wasn't for the fundamental incompatibility - money issues- I would still be with him. 

He told me I was so cold, no affection at all. I told him I couldn't talk to him b/c every time I brought up something, he would ge defensive and sarcastic so I just kept my mouth shut.

I just don't see how someone can hook up so fast. It's not that easy but maybe sometimes people just get lucky or maybe they're not very picky and to the point he doesn't want to have anything to do with me. So cold. I just don't understand it at all. I was the much better catch in the R/S but now this person just flat out rejects me and has no feelings whatsoever? It makes me mistrust people now and very hurt. 

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 10-24-2013 - 2:09pm

Look, this was not the right relationship for you even though you had feelings for this guy.  I can understand how you can feel though--like if I found out my 2nd exH had a GF now it would be a little annoying for me because I'd think well why can he find someone with his mental problems & bad temper yet I can't find someone when I am so much better?  lol  It doesn't mean that I would want him back.  As you said yourself, maybe he's not picky and will just take anyone who seems interested.  And just because they had a date & went bike riding, it doesn't mean they will get married.  But maybe this woman is just more compatible with him--perhaps she doesn't care that he's a low earner, maybe she's not well educated or doesn't have that great a job so to her, a lawyer is a big deal (even a lawyer who doesn't have much money).  Just because he never mentioned her doesn't mean he didn't know her before--obviously he must have been acquainted with a lot of women in his life.  You can't let this situation make you distrustful of people--what he does doesn't mean that other men are like him.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Thu, 10-24-2013 - 2:26pm

"How can people just turn off their feelings like that."

I don't think he just turned off his feelings overnight, it sounds more like they've been waning for a while. You two broke up 2-3 months ago. In an earlier post about the break up you said that that it had been rocky for a long time. It almost sounds like you two stayed together out of convenience, it was easier to stay in a suboptimal relationship than to look for a new partner. After being apart for a couple of months he probably had let go of most of the feelings from before. When he told you he was going on a date that was shorthand for "I've moved on".

My guess is that he's known this woman casually for some time as part of the cycling group. After he broke up with you he could then pursue her (maybe that's why he broke up?) If they are cycling 20 miles together almost daily that's a lot of time together. It sounds sudden to you but it seems like he's already spent a lot of time with her.

I'm not sure why he came over for dinner with you a couple of weeks ago, maybe to see if there was still any spark or maybe just to see if it was possible to be just friends. It seems like he decided that its completely over for him. It probably would have been kinder if he had just refused to get together, and not let you get any hopes that you could rekindle the relationship.

Sorry that you are hurting....trying to stay friends is usually too painful especially if you were not the one to break it off. Try to remember all of the incompatibilities that you complained about before so you remember that he wasn't so perfect. Hope you are able to let the thoughts of him go, and move on quickly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Thu, 10-24-2013 - 4:21pm

Hi ladies,

Thank you for your prompt responses. It really helps a great deal to let it out and having a conversation with other people. I've been bottling this up for a couple of weeks now and it didn't go way. I was the one who always called. He would call back but conversation is pretty much one-way. I had to ask questions to get things started, but it was OK b/c he would talk at length about things I asked about except when it comes to him dating someone else. 

Somehow I got the impression he would value these nobodies over me. For example, with the last breakup that occured in Feb 2012. We didn't talk again until Oct 2012. At that time he had started to go out with an ex gf from 6 years ago. This woman is low-class. she was 47 and had multiple sexy pictures of herself on facebook: in bikinis, wearing a mini tank-style tight black dress with everything hanging out - now she wasn't fat, but kinda roundish as with most midde-age women and wearing a teeny mini dress is not flattering on a middle-age woman. I'm not vitorian librarian dresser but one can look fashionable and sexy - age appropirate and not cheap. There's a difference. 

But he enjoyed her b/c she was "affectionate, flirtatious, and nice". Intellectually, since she works in real estate (not even an agent, just some kind of secretary type I think) and studied business before and he a RE lawyer they did have something in common  to talk about. At that time I wanted to get back together. she told him she only wanted to be friends so we got back together. But even now when I call her facebook "hooker" he gets all defensive. I get very hurt actually b/c how can he find someone like that more enjoyable than me. 

I don't understand the cold part. I'm affectionate, hugs and hold hands frequently. So what do I take affectionate to mean. Sex, what else? That's a euphormism for sex.  This last time we got together I told him to get tested for STD's but he didn't so we didn't have sex for the entire 10 months. He denied having sex with her but I highly doubted it. He's very neanderthal when it comes to these things. Excuses: not promiscuous, no homo-sex, embarassed to ask his dr. I told him what's so embarassing? you can to go public health clinic anonimously and for free.

Now this bicyclist one, he said she's a professional but won't say what kind and the bicycling part is very compatible b/c no way on earth I would bike 20 miles esp on hills. When we were dating, he would only bike with me, so we would do leasure biking on  a flat trail for 10 miles. Very occasionally bike 25 miles on a trail to the beach.  As far as I know, he didn't bike with anyone else while we were together, even this last time. We talked nearly every night and weekend always together. Even for only part of the day, he would be telling me he was doing house chores in the AM. Unless he was a very good liar, I didn't see him knowing this woman for very long. But maybe seeing how trusting and naive I am maybe he was lying.

I am emotionally needy and need frequent conversation but while we were together, he was the one who insisted on being together all the time. I actually welcomed some time separate and very OK with him spending part of the day at his house.

It makes me wonder how come nobody wants to have a R/S with me and prefer others with less than me. I can have intelligent conversations, I'm sweet and straight forward, even naive at this ripe age of 46. I can't even understand what goes through his mind b/c while we were together, he was always very doting.  Am I lacking emotional intelligence and don't know how to entice men?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Thu, 10-24-2013 - 9:11pm

LOL you are so right.  My ex-husband is on his third wife (I was no. 1) and trust me, he is NO catch!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 10-24-2013 - 9:58pm

Well I don't think many men are really looking for a GF who won't have sex.  I can understand being cautious about STDs but I do't think most people really will insist that their partner actually have a test for it--maybe using condoms.  (What do others think about this?)  I have a GF who gets men left & right.  I think her heart was broken by her last real long term BF so now she is in this mood that she is going to act like a man (her words) date a guy, if he doesn't show her the proper attention, she will just move on to the next one.  She has had several BFs this year and I'm pretty sure she has sex with all of them.  Well obviously before they go out, the guys don't know she will have sex right away but she does act and dress sexy--shows cleavage and is very flirty.  But she's an intelligent woman.  She's an ER nurse and she was in the Navy a long time.  I'm saying this because you are putting down the woman who showed sexy pics on FB--not something I would do because first of all, I don't have the figure for it and even when I was young & did, I was just always too shy to dress overtly sexy--but just because you aren't like that doesn't mean this woman is "low class" or a "hooker."  That's really not fair if youd don't know her personally.  Like if you saw my friend who I just described in a club dancing and drinking, maybe you'd think that way about her.  But she's a good mom, really cares about all her friends--she does have another side to her.  So you are judging this woman by her appearance but you don't know her (I assume.)  Well maybe your ex liked her because she was more of the type he was looking for--maybe less demanding of him in some ways, would have sex with him, didn't complain about him not having money.  

From what I recall of your previous posts,  you just don't sound that experienced with men for someone your age--and that is not a putdown of you.  If you want an accomplished professional man, why don't you do things where you come into contact with them?  I don't know about the other MDs in your area--are they all married?  Are there professional associations that you could join?  Charitable organizations?  I hate the dreaded OLD but since you're under the age of 50 (the age when it appears that men write women off totally) maybe you still have time--just look for the guys with a good education & professional job.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Fri, 10-25-2013 - 12:51am

You two broke up for 8 months and when you got back together he wouldn't get tested for STDs so you never had sex again? You know that is not typical for adults who have been intimate before, correct? It sounds like at that point he saw you as just platonic companions. IMO if he wanted a real relationship he would have gotten tested, or somehow convinced you to trust him that he hadn't been with anyone. A man who loves a woman will usually do what it takes to make her happy.

As for why he would want a woman who was "less" than you: it depends on what he (or anybody) is looking for in a partner. You said that you are emotionally needy and need conversation. Maybe he didn't want to deal with the neediness, and doesn't have the same need for stimulating conversation, he just wants "easy to be with". Maybe he wants more than just affection, he wants sex on a regular basis. Maybe he wants somebody who is very accepting of people who are not like herself. (by the way you described the exgf, and said that you called her his "fb hooker" to him, it sounds pretty derogatory---maybe you come across as judgemental or self-important in person?). Maybe he wants somebody with the same degree of athleticism. In other words, maybe you and he were not compatible enough for the long term. That doesn't mean that you won't be compatible with any man. There's no point in trying to compare yourself to these other women about whom you know very little---they are different from you but that doesn't mean better or worse.

it also sounds like he was lacking in traits that you seem to prefer in a partner. Were you settling for less than you really want just because he was convenient?

He has done you a favor by breaking it off again. Don't get back together with him again, don't even try to be friends or try to get him to help you around the house. Its time to move on and move forward.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Fri, 10-25-2013 - 10:02am

You are so involved with his life and what's he's doing that there's no way you're going to get closure. It will be painful for you to close the door on your past and no longer communicate with him, but it will be even more painful to keep track of his every move and who he is dating. Sorry, but you'll have to delete his number, and all other forms of communication with him so that you can move on to your future. Relationships are always complex and require daily effort. Even if you make an effort, you might not be with the right person. Ask your friends what they think is the reason why men don't seek you out or stay with you. Do you have a full life besides the man in your life. Do you regularly hang out with girlfriends even when you have a man? Do you have hobbies or interests that you engage in without your man? Men do not like being the center of your universe. They of course like being a priority in your life, but if they are the sole reason for your happiness and you have no other life besides them, that's too much pressure on them. I'm not saying this is how you are, I'm just throwing food out for thought in case that's what's happening. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Fri, 10-25-2013 - 11:04am

White Satin,

First, sorry that  you're hurting. Time DOES heal, and so does finding the right person.

Second, if I didn't know you were 46 I'd guess your age at about 19.

You really truly think most men choose their partners on the basis of  ability to conduct  deeply involved intellectual conversations and level of education?

You assumed he'd just ..not have sex with you - or anyone else - indefinitely?

Did you think this is what 'getting back together' means? Starting to talk on the phone again and go to dinner etc,  without a trace of intimacy? The man just thought - and so would I if I were him -  well, she obviously doesn't want me, so I'll go find someone who does. To put it simply.

I wanted to post a long reply to you but Musiclover basically said all I wanted to say already, and phrased it very kindly and politely, as always.

And, this 'carrier' secretary is rather offended by your remarks. My blue-collar dh of 10 years may not be academic of the year, or  workaholic of the year, or, indeed, Mr Moneybags. But  he  loves me, and I love him, and we are very happy together. Would you believe, me a mere secretary, and him a mere blue-collar.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008

Yes I know you are hurting and thus why you must be making these comments Satin? I feel for you but going to agree with Music and Julia..

Its time to move on and you know you cannot control others and you did break up with said ex over this or that.. You are just upset now because he moved on and which is normal but time to let it all go.. Let the man go and if you have to hold some sort of ritual where you burn something of his at the beach or whatever you can do to let go of this man and this chapter of your life.. Move on plain and simple and either stay alone and find YOU for awhile and find things that make you happy.....There is alot to do in the world and finding a mate is yes what we all want but while you are waiting for the mate focus on what makes you happy like I said.. That stupid cliche that states no one can make us happy but ourselves is very true......So do that for now and then later down the road someone will show up.... that is the Laws of the Universe.. Music was right in that you arent too old to still have the opportunity of finding the right guy..

Now take the focus off ex and his dates because you cant control him or his dates... If he wanted to go out with a stripper its none of your business.....You didnt want him because you werent compatible so its time to cut all the ties..however you have to do that.. Maybe even counseling could help ...

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Fri, 10-25-2013 - 2:19pm

Hi ladies,

I'm involved in a local professional organization but the core group of people is very small. No prospect there. There's a guy in this group, Napolian stature, late 50's and like 20 some yo hot girls. Divorced twice hastily and now dating a 27 yo. Not my type and I'm not his type.  As far as being more active I haven't gotten around to it but there are a couple of groups (like the medical alumni group locally) or even go beyond the local group, I haven't had the energy to do, even within my hospital now, maybe can serve on a committe but again, it's something that usually involve a small group of people and meet infrequently. Yes, there are things to do it's just the commitment required is difficult to keep up and there's go guarantee you can meet someone who's available. One one rare occasion I went to an informal get-together of some graduates of my med school. The only people that showed up were either gay, very old -retired, or very young.  I did have a great time but no love connection.

I know I was going to be criticized for putting down the "secretary" or blue-collar type but when I make these statements, for ease of expression, not include all sorts of qualifying or disclaimer. I know it sounds bigoted and snobbish. But looks like I have to again defend myself here. Believe me, I'm not snobbish. Many of my good friends, while college-educated, are not doctors, even a couple of them not college-educated. So I don't judge people on that basis. BTW, none of these friends have pics of themselves wearing evening clothes that look like teeny-underwear either. So clearly this woman is either has no sense of sexiness or is advertising herlself indirectly on FB.   A large number of women who dress like this tend to be in the blue-collar group or have "blue collar" taste. That's just the general social observation. There are exceptions as with any group and not meant to be derogatory.  They have the Peg Bundy stereotype for this reason.  I can't be 100% politically correct all the time.

I have to admit I'm a baby in the attracting men area. I don't know how to flirt or act seductively. That's my disadvantage. Either that or I aim at the wrong men, usually they end up being gay or married. I have a gf who always seem to run into available men even in innocent places like the supermarket. How is it possible for these people I don't know.  

Online wise, I'm willing to see any man who is a professional, doesn't appear to have baggage and not too bad looking. This is actually how I have always been. Of course super-accomplished is always nice but I'm realistic too. 

 

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