I'm hurt and have a hard time accepting

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
I'm hurt and have a hard time accepting
Thu, 10-24-2013 - 1:54pm

Hi everyone,

I guess this would fit better under breaking up but since many of this forum know my sitch for so long. I'd thought put it here.

I've been talking to my x-bf again. he broke up in Aug. For over a month I was kinda ambivalent about dating so it was all good but lately I've been feeling the void and yearning for romance. Two weeks ago, he did come over on a Sat night, we went out to dinner and hugged good night. He hugged me a long time and kissed me on the head. I didnt' really expect anything fast, just wanted to see how it goes after being apart for a month, just restart as friends and see, I guess. He said the next day he would go on a bicycle ride with a group.

Later in the following week I called him. He said he was going to Oct Fest on a date that weekend (that was last wkend). Kinda secretive about it. Anyway, I asked if he would help me with painting a small cabinet, he kinda hemmed and hawed but said maybe. Last night, I called him again. Now, it seems he's been seeing a person supposedly knew her from before but saw her again at the biking event. This person is also a bicyclist and they bike almost daily at times 20 miles in a fairly hilly city.  He never told me he knew any woman before and all of the sudden turns into a quickly dating r/s already?  He also told me he didn't want to help me with anything.  How can people just turn off their feelings like that. Granted, we had problems but I've always have deep care for him and if it wasn't for the fundamental incompatibility - money issues- I would still be with him. 

He told me I was so cold, no affection at all. I told him I couldn't talk to him b/c every time I brought up something, he would ge defensive and sarcastic so I just kept my mouth shut.

I just don't see how someone can hook up so fast. It's not that easy but maybe sometimes people just get lucky or maybe they're not very picky and to the point he doesn't want to have anything to do with me. So cold. I just don't understand it at all. I was the much better catch in the R/S but now this person just flat out rejects me and has no feelings whatsoever? It makes me mistrust people now and very hurt. 




iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Thu, 10-31-2013 - 12:27am

Dear Julia,

What did I tell you about these two low-life's who prove my point, flaunt their T&A then sue people for sexual harrassment for extra income. Maybe I should also include people who are not from a working class families who are trash and use their sexuality for money. So it's not only the "secretary type" to be fair.

But I do believe that the difference is education. Women who spend the time to be educated don't have the time to learn to be manipulative. Either you make the money yourself or you manipulate someone into giving it to you.  Women who work hard as hairdressors, secretaries, clerks, etc...are not all low-lifes, but alot of the uneducated women are like that so that give rise to the stereotype.

I speak in general for ease of conversation and not have to qualify it with "not that there's anything wrong with that" or "generally, not all". you see what I mean? If you're are not in these categories I can see how you can be offended for that I apologize.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Wed, 10-30-2013 - 11:48am

So basically, in your world, there are two kinds of people: there are educated professional degreed lawyers/doctors - who are all brilliant, wonderful, respectable etc etc - and uneducated unprofessional low-life scum care assistants/secretaries - who should all go drown in some lake somewhere cause that's all they deserve for being cheap stupid idiots?

Can I ask, where do you come from originally?

Is your perception of the world perhaps based on the culture in which  you've been brought up?

Honestly... read what you wrote here. S** the snooping, that doesn't matter in the big scheme of things. What matters is the person that you are. And the person that you need to become unless you want to be alone for the rest of your life.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Mon, 10-28-2013 - 7:47pm
Woah! You snooped on his phone??? No! No! No! You can't do that! I think a clean break is in order. Snap. Break. Gone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Mon, 10-28-2013 - 4:49pm

I have thin, straight hair, not thick. It's been a big challenge for me over the years. Make-up, I think is a little easier to learn. I went to Sephora once a few years ago and they made me look gorgeous. The trick to learn easy make-up. the hair Idk, I will keep an eye out for a good hair dresser. I've had perms before but they damage my already fragile hair. I have lots of hair falling out so a perm just makes it worse.

Oh, a little update on the new woman. I don't know if they're still seeing each other b/c I decided not to talk about it any more with him. I'm a shameless snoop. I think this is the new woman but not 100% sure.

Yesterday, sunday, I came to his house to pick up some stuff of mine. He was playing video game in his office. So I was just roaming around the house looking for my wet suit and memory foam pillow. I went to the kitchen where the phone was being charged and looked at the phone messages and put two and two together. There was friendly messages between them making a lunch date (nothing sexual or flirtatious) in July this year (we had gotten back again for 8 months at the time).

Then there were messages where she greeted with "Hi Sugah" then proceed to refer him some work. This was around Sept 28th, a month after he broke up with me. She is also on his facebook.  On her facebook, there she posted pictures of chicken. He commented makes him think of chick fillet, then she responded "are you asking?" that was in Feb 2012 (he had just broken up with me).

I googled her. She's a contract/corporate lawyer, 48 yo but only admitted to the bar for 10 years so must be 2nd career. I would call her big - not really fat - taller and slight overweight but pretty. Idk, some people just posted so much stuff online. She's into aviation and flies planes, serves on a handful of committees - local community ones as well as charity ones. she's a political conservative. So all these things they have in common. He doesn't fly but is obssessed with cars and airplanes.  She also posted lots on pininterest: her taste in clothes, quotes about love, food, etc...

So from what he told me: he knew her from before and seeing how active she is makes sense that they bike together.

I can't really say anything bad about her unlike the fb hooker. Although her facebook pictures are kind strange b/c she took the picture of her face while lying down. Nothing cheap or revealing like the hooker.

I know he's been able to attract quality women before. I don't doubt it but ending up long-term is a different story. Looks like the strong ones don't last b/c they are too scathing for his machismo.

Now back to the FB hooker. goes to show this is one low-class dirt-ball. I saw a couple of messages to him also at the end of sept. Apparently is suing her employer for sexual harrassement and she also advertised to him she made a superior prostate health drink (she started an onlne "gourmet" food website a year ago and has sent him samples). His second dirt-bag wife -an unskilled leech, is also suing her emplooyer (finally got a job-as some sort of nursing home assitance) for sexual harrassment and he actually had to go to a depo a couple of months ago.

The desparation of these low-lives, advertising their goods to the world and sue for harrassment to make extra income.

anyway,I realized I was too mean to him, questioning him, saying nasty things about his past mistakes and felt bad about it. I wrote an email to that effect and he wrote back a nice one to me teeling me how he's been feeling. A mute point to argue it really. We're not right for each other and he should be free to find his own happiness. right? I shouldn't be so abusive and mean. It's just the low-life women make me feel degraded and angry thinking if he has low standards, then I'm not that desirable. Besides b/c of the low life x-wives didn't have any money left for us.

But this current one, if they're still together, I do wish him the best. she seems like an indenpent professional.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 10-28-2013 - 12:28pm

Oh, to have thick, straight hair. I think Asian hair is gorgeous. Obviously it needs a professional cut, but thick works to your advantage.

My hair is thin and wavy in a bad way. I wore it short for many years thinking I couldn't do anythig with it. I had gone to the same stylist for many years until one day, he had serious health issues and I had to go to someone else. Well, that changed everything. She convinced me to grow it out, and with a new cut and the flatiron, my look was transformed. I never used to get compliments on my hair--but I do now. So I say--go to the most expensive place in town and have that person do your hair--after all, you have the money. And makeup--I think it's true that men don't like overly made up women. But you can learn to use makeup effectively. Going to the cosmetics counter is a good start, but I'm sure there are dozens of professional makeup stylists that could help you out (you're in LA, right?) Do it! Why not have as much confidence in your looks as possible? The effort it takes is so worth it. I simply don't look good without makeup, especially at 59. I can't imagine not wearing any. In fact yesterday, I spent $50 on a few things at Ulta.

And clothes--yes, what Musiclover said. Wear clothes that show off your figure without being slutty. Don't wear baggy clothes either, I don't care who the designer is. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 10-28-2013 - 11:21am

Hair can be tough.  My son always asks me why I keep the same hair style and I tell him because I can't figure out any other hair style for me.  My hair is kind of thin  and not curly and I don't want to spend a lot of time on it in the morning.  Makeup is really not that hard to learn to do.  Men usually don't go for women who are heavily made up.  They say they like women with no makeup but I think what they want is women who wear natural looking makeup.  Just go to a department store makeup counter & tell them that you want to learn how to do a natural looking makeup.  It takes me less than 5 mins. in the am to put on eyeshadow, mascara, blush & lipstick.  

I think as far as clothes, if you have a good figure, you already have an advantage.  I dont' mean to look slutty but you want to dress in a way that's attractive.  If you wear very boring clothes that no one will notice, that is a detriment.  I like wearing red to stand out.  But if you are going to an evening event, the little black dress is always a good option.  I love fashion too, but again, not something that men care about.

Now if you do go to a social event, do you just stand in a corner & wait for someone to talk to you?  That is going to get you nowhere.  You have to go up and start conversations.  Practice doing it with women to get over your fear & shyness.  People love to talk about themselves, so just say hi & start the conversation.  I met a guy from meetup because I saw on his meetup profile that he said he was a "fun loving lawyer."  I went to this dance where I did not know one person--that was a little intimidating.  So I found out who he was, went up to him and said "Hi, I'm a fun loving lawyer too"  and we became friends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Mon, 10-28-2013 - 3:47am

Anyway, this guy never sounded worth the angst.

Thanks for your words of encouragement. I'm trying to be strong.

xxx, I find hard to fix my hair. it's straight, think and wont' cooperate. It's easier to find nice clothes since I have a nice figure. as far as makeup, it takes lots of work. I put on foundation and mascara at most.


Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 10-28-2013 - 12:11am

 Listen up.  learn how to fix your hair and do makeup. If you know that you project a "wallflower" persona no one will take you as worthy.   I know several Dr's who have great physique and can't put on make up.   If you are smart enough to achieve that much education but fail at doing hair then there is a disconnect.  

   You may be actually sabotaging your social success.  Look at it as it you were a man.  They cannot see your intelligence when there is a disconnect between wearing good quality clothes and are not groomed to that level.  Look at your fashion magazines and look at the models.   Observe their hair and makeup.   It is so very important that everything fits. 

You would be a trophy for the wealthy man who needs a person who has the intellectual skills.  Find out where wealthy businessmen are.  $$$$ likes intelligence.  You say you like fashion.   Are you in an area where there is a fashionista crowd? 


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Sun, 10-27-2013 - 11:27pm

Honestly, I would not apologize for who you are.  We are who we are.  If you see some areas in which you can improve, do so for your own well-being but not to get a man. I am sure if you look around, you will see that there are all sorts of women who fall in love and get married and there is no rhyme or reason to it. They are certainly not all beautiful nor highly accomplished. Sometimes I believe it is about the path we are predestined for.  No, does not seem fair, but it is what it is.  I recall that you mentioned wanting to have a baby yet (forgive me if I am wrong.)  But 46 is really pushing the envelope on that. Unfortunately, men have much more latitude in that area as well.  I work with a pharmacist who is never married, and went for artificial insemination, and now has fraternal twins.  She is 47, and is handling it all well.  That would not be my cup of tea, but it is a valid choice.

For me, making myself happy is my focal point.  The only people you can truly count on are yourself, and according to your belief system, God.  I have come to believe that if love is meant to happen, it will.  Living your life on your terms and making changes where necessary is the best tactic, I have finally come to believe.  Then, if someone comes into your life that you click with, great.  But I think when you reach a certain age, say mid-40s, we have to accept that it might not happen.  To not do so is to guarantee yourself a life of misery.


Anyway, this guy never sounded worth the angst.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Sun, 10-27-2013 - 10:18pm


I actually don't have any passion. I do many things occasionally. I'm not athletic even though I like to be outdoors. The only thing I'm really into is fashion and shopping. I;m not a avid reader but I am well-informed and sophistication for culture so I can usually carry a conversation with an educated man better than the even most professional women.

I'm not a bubbly person so you wouldn't see me flirting up a storm or being very sexual in a social situation. I look like a boring wall-flower - even when I dress fashionably, it's just how I look, my hair is usually flat and I dont' wear much makeup. It's only when a man - usually would take a very nice man who would approach me and pleasatnly find out I am a sophisticated lady.