I'm hurt and have a hard time accepting

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
I'm hurt and have a hard time accepting
25
Thu, 10-24-2013 - 1:54pm

Hi everyone,

I guess this would fit better under breaking up but since many of this forum know my sitch for so long. I'd thought put it here.

I've been talking to my x-bf again. he broke up in Aug. For over a month I was kinda ambivalent about dating so it was all good but lately I've been feeling the void and yearning for romance. Two weeks ago, he did come over on a Sat night, we went out to dinner and hugged good night. He hugged me a long time and kissed me on the head. I didnt' really expect anything fast, just wanted to see how it goes after being apart for a month, just restart as friends and see, I guess. He said the next day he would go on a bicycle ride with a group.

Later in the following week I called him. He said he was going to Oct Fest on a date that weekend (that was last wkend). Kinda secretive about it. Anyway, I asked if he would help me with painting a small cabinet, he kinda hemmed and hawed but said maybe. Last night, I called him again. Now, it seems he's been seeing a person supposedly knew her from before but saw her again at the biking event. This person is also a bicyclist and they bike almost daily at times 20 miles in a fairly hilly city.  He never told me he knew any woman before and all of the sudden turns into a quickly dating r/s already?  He also told me he didn't want to help me with anything.  How can people just turn off their feelings like that. Granted, we had problems but I've always have deep care for him and if it wasn't for the fundamental incompatibility - money issues- I would still be with him. 

He told me I was so cold, no affection at all. I told him I couldn't talk to him b/c every time I brought up something, he would ge defensive and sarcastic so I just kept my mouth shut.

I just don't see how someone can hook up so fast. It's not that easy but maybe sometimes people just get lucky or maybe they're not very picky and to the point he doesn't want to have anything to do with me. So cold. I just don't understand it at all. I was the much better catch in the R/S but now this person just flat out rejects me and has no feelings whatsoever? It makes me mistrust people now and very hurt. 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 10-25-2013 - 4:39pm

I think you have to ask your GF who runs into a lot of men for lessons--and I'm being kindof serious about that.  I watch my friend who I mentioned before, how she acts when we are out in a club to see how she attracts guys.  First of all, she's very direct.  She doesn't act aloof or shy--she'll ask a guy to dance or go right up and talk to him.  I think as professional women we get used to acting kind of asexual at work, which we have to do, and then sometimes it's hard to let our hair down when we are out.  Believe me, my personality at work & outside of work is very different.  I don't mean that you have to limit yourself to medical organizations.  Alumni orgs. might be good--how about your college?  Even if you didn't go to college near where you live now, sometimes they have clubs in different areas.  But getting out and doing things is key.  Just go out without the idea of meeting anyone & see what happens.  I think it's when you go out with no expectations that you have the most fun.  When you go out hoping to meet someoen it's usually disappointing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Fri, 10-25-2013 - 9:05pm

How about trying to meet new people through meetup.com? In my area they have meets ups for professionals, for common athletic or outdoorsy interests, books, cooking, you name it. Are you interested in art? Some art museums have a weekly or monthly "culture and cocktails" type of event for socializing with other art lovers. Bookstores and libraries have lectures, programs, readings. When you start looking for things to do where you might meet people with similar interests you may find activities that you will enjoy regardless of whether you meet someone. When you're busy having fun you won't miss xbf, and the bonus is that when you're enjoying life you become more appealing to others looking for new friends (or more).

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 10-27-2013 - 10:27am

I have been reading through your posting and wonder if you have any interests/hobbies?  So you are a physician.  Unless a guy is after status or something like that, people get together often based on common interests and not professions.  The "mere secretary" may be a very talented artist in her spare time.  As a matter of fact, the plumber I hired to help remodel a bathroom turned out to be an accomplished pianist and lead vocal in a local group.  Sometimes people take up less demanding careers to pursue thier passion.  If you are still screening for potential dates based on career and social status, you are vastly limiting your choices in an already limited pool.  You are not 25 anymore and whether we like it or not, it is not as easy for a middle age woman to find suitable dates.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 10-27-2013 - 5:00pm

I think actually that women like it when a guy has a high status professional job but men really don't think it's an asset.  When I would write to other lawyers on OLD, I never once got even a nibble.  Ironically I'd get these emails from guys w/ blue collar or even no jobs (and I"m not against blue collar since my 1st DH worked for the post office, but there has to be something that interests me about the person) and finally it dawned on me that some low earning guys are probably under the impression that I have money and maybe they are looking for the sugar mama--the joke would be on them then.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Sun, 10-27-2013 - 10:00pm

you're right about status is an asset for a man but not for a woman. I'm well aware of it now. My pool has gottne a lot muddier, I rejected drs, now I get high school guys answering online. Too many. I'd be lucky to get an attorney or a master degree level person once in a while. Even six years ago, I ran into a (rare) doctor at a Sierra club volley ball game and dated for a while but like I said, I was unrealistic back then so I let that one go too. Now he's happily married for 5 years. I rarely met men who work out so the couple of drs that were very interested in me like this last one was wonderful but it's too late now.  I think many of these men were hoping for a sugar mama too but the thing is they're old, fat, poor, ugly looking, and full of baggage. What are they thinking? I thought gigalos are supposed to be young, attractive, and virile. There were some very young one too with high school ed. Clearly not what I want as well.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Sun, 10-27-2013 - 10:18pm

Demon,

I actually don't have any passion. I do many things occasionally. I'm not athletic even though I like to be outdoors. The only thing I'm really into is fashion and shopping. I;m not a avid reader but I am well-informed and sophistication for culture so I can usually carry a conversation with an educated man better than the even most professional women.

I'm not a bubbly person so you wouldn't see me flirting up a storm or being very sexual in a social situation. I look like a boring wall-flower - even when I dress fashionably, it's just how I look, my hair is usually flat and I dont' wear much makeup. It's only when a man - usually would take a very nice man who would approach me and pleasatnly find out I am a sophisticated lady.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Sun, 10-27-2013 - 11:27pm

Honestly, I would not apologize for who you are.  We are who we are.  If you see some areas in which you can improve, do so for your own well-being but not to get a man. I am sure if you look around, you will see that there are all sorts of women who fall in love and get married and there is no rhyme or reason to it. They are certainly not all beautiful nor highly accomplished. Sometimes I believe it is about the path we are predestined for.  No, does not seem fair, but it is what it is.  I recall that you mentioned wanting to have a baby yet (forgive me if I am wrong.)  But 46 is really pushing the envelope on that. Unfortunately, men have much more latitude in that area as well.  I work with a pharmacist who is never married, and went for artificial insemination, and now has fraternal twins.  She is 47, and is handling it all well.  That would not be my cup of tea, but it is a valid choice.

For me, making myself happy is my focal point.  The only people you can truly count on are yourself, and according to your belief system, God.  I have come to believe that if love is meant to happen, it will.  Living your life on your terms and making changes where necessary is the best tactic, I have finally come to believe.  Then, if someone comes into your life that you click with, great.  But I think when you reach a certain age, say mid-40s, we have to accept that it might not happen.  To not do so is to guarantee yourself a life of misery.

 

Anyway, this guy never sounded worth the angst.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 10-28-2013 - 12:11am

 Listen up.  learn how to fix your hair and do makeup. If you know that you project a "wallflower" persona no one will take you as worthy.   I know several Dr's who have great physique and can't put on make up.   If you are smart enough to achieve that much education but fail at doing hair then there is a disconnect.  

   You may be actually sabotaging your social success.  Look at it as it you were a man.  They cannot see your intelligence when there is a disconnect between wearing good quality clothes and are not groomed to that level.  Look at your fashion magazines and look at the models.   Observe their hair and makeup.   It is so very important that everything fits. 

You would be a trophy for the wealthy man who needs a person who has the intellectual skills.  Find out where wealthy businessmen are.  $$$$ likes intelligence.  You say you like fashion.   Are you in an area where there is a fashionista crowd? 

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Mon, 10-28-2013 - 3:47am

Anyway, this guy never sounded worth the angst.

Thanks for your words of encouragement. I'm trying to be strong.

xxx, I find hard to fix my hair. it's straight, think and wont' cooperate. It's easier to find nice clothes since I have a nice figure. as far as makeup, it takes lots of work. I put on foundation and mascara at most.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 10-28-2013 - 11:21am

Hair can be tough.  My son always asks me why I keep the same hair style and I tell him because I can't figure out any other hair style for me.  My hair is kind of thin  and not curly and I don't want to spend a lot of time on it in the morning.  Makeup is really not that hard to learn to do.  Men usually don't go for women who are heavily made up.  They say they like women with no makeup but I think what they want is women who wear natural looking makeup.  Just go to a department store makeup counter & tell them that you want to learn how to do a natural looking makeup.  It takes me less than 5 mins. in the am to put on eyeshadow, mascara, blush & lipstick.  

I think as far as clothes, if you have a good figure, you already have an advantage.  I dont' mean to look slutty but you want to dress in a way that's attractive.  If you wear very boring clothes that no one will notice, that is a detriment.  I like wearing red to stand out.  But if you are going to an evening event, the little black dress is always a good option.  I love fashion too, but again, not something that men care about.

Now if you do go to a social event, do you just stand in a corner & wait for someone to talk to you?  That is going to get you nowhere.  You have to go up and start conversations.  Practice doing it with women to get over your fear & shyness.  People love to talk about themselves, so just say hi & start the conversation.  I met a guy from meetup because I saw on his meetup profile that he said he was a "fun loving lawyer."  I went to this dance where I did not know one person--that was a little intimidating.  So I found out who he was, went up to him and said "Hi, I'm a fun loving lawyer too"  and we became friends.