I'm living the life similar to a scene straight out of "Friends"

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2010
I'm living the life similar to a scene straight out of "Friends"
13
Sat, 08-02-2014 - 11:44am

Anyone remember when Phoebe and Joey are talking and Phoebe says something like "If we're both not married when we're 40, we'll marry each other"?

I'm almost 39, never wanted children (not that I don't love them, I love my nieces, but my reason is I have a bad back and sleep on my stomach - honest, I cannot fall asleep on my side!!!  i have tried because my back pain is getting worse - so how the hec am I going to sleep with a huge pregnant belly?)  Sorry to have digressed...

I just think that somehow it's fate.  Like I was meant to get married in my old age.  Or maybe fate is held responsible for the bad luck I've had with my younger-year- relationships.  Now I need to vent and get this out of my system, because I'm going crazy and getting anxious....  I met this guy on a dating website 3 yrs ago...yada yada yada.... he needs a green card.  Things happened and we never continued dating, although we are still friends today.  He dated a few women during those 3 years, and I dated men..... now we are both unattached and I offered to marry him.  I'm almost 40 and most of my friends are married, so I don't see them too much anymore and spend my weekends alone.  

Why not delay finding "the one" for another few years?  People can find love at any age.  It seems now, I dont' want love, I want company.  It sucks living alone.  My sis and niece live 15 minutes away, but still when I come home from visiting them, I'm alone, I sleep alone.

He and I really did not discuss this thoroughly yet but it looks like the marriage will happen. I've always had a crush on him and of course I am wishing he falls in love iwth me instead of divorcing me.  This is so weird!!!!!!  I fell really hard for him when we first met but he wanted children and I didn't, and whatever.  My stomach is in knots. Maybe it will happen, maybe it won't.  I just needed to come here and say this!!!  Sooooooo weird!!!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Well I think there is a lot to discuss here.  It would be fine if all you really wanted was companionship but you want him to fall in love with you.  If you are to get married, would it be a real marriage as far as you would both agree to be exclusive and not have anyone on the side?  Do you think he'd make the effort to stay married or would he just drop you once he got his permanent green card in 2 years (I assume you are American--if you aren't the laws might be different)?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2010

I do want companionship because I have never felt so alone.  I mean it's been years now because the guys I've dated, we never lived together.   I think my love for him has changed.  Like maybe I love him as if he's my brother.  When I found out his relationship ended with his GF, I felt bad for him.  We have not discussed the details yet on the arrangement.  I suggested he moves in with me because I have a co-op that I own and my maintenance fee is cheap compared to his $1,500 rent!!!!  His commute to work will be longer, but if it means saving over a $1,000 a month, I'd do it.  I would not mind waking up earlier and coming home later for extra money in my bank account.

As for me, I'll be saving $$ too.  He has to pay for half my expenses (except I can pay 100%b for my make-up and clothes. lol).  And I think he will give me some $$ when his status becomes permanent.  I'm not too happy with this co-op and have always been saving $$ and dreaming to move out of here one day. The walls are paper thin and I use my Brookstone noise machine alot.  Moving is so expensive. You have to pay your lawyer, the closing fee, movers, painters... ugh, it never ends. So at least if he does divorce me, I will be happy with the money I get.

I thought it was 3 years. Guess I should look for an immiagration lawyer

edited: I'm American

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998

I'm not single but I saw your post title on the main page and couldn't resist chiming in because I see some big issues in your plan. Some can be addressed with an attorney but others might need some serious soul-searching or even a therapist.

I'd start with the emotional issues. In your first post you have a crush on him, in the later post you love him like a brother? You hinted at not wanting to sleep alone anymore....so a "brother" wouldn't fill that need. Right now you've given up on love and want companionship, but what if that changes? If it is a fake marriage then would you both be free to discreetly see other people? Would you be a wreck if he met someone and you were there with your unrequited love? Before moving into the legal part of the deal, get very clear on the emotional part.

I'd suggest consulting with both an immigration attorney and a family law attorney. The immigration attorney to explain the time frame, the costs and forms, your liabilities and responsibilites, any restrictions, and problems that could arise. An explanation of the interview process--I think you will be asked things that only somebody living very closely together could answer. The family law atty to discuss how to protect yourself and your assets. A pre-nuptual agreement might protect you, but I'm not a lawyer and I've never been divorced so there are probably a lot of considerations that I don't know about. 

You mentioned financial benefits, but if he doesn't follow through then there would be financial liabilities. A payout upon divorce? Is there any way that $ could go into an account before the wedding? You're taking a big financial risk...I'm pretty sure that you agree to be financially responsible for him (immigration atty would clarify that). 

I have some strong feelings on this subject...I married a guy so he could get his green card. I was young (25) and didn't have the perspective that I do now, or that you do at 39, so I didn't think very hard about the risks I was taking. I had practically no assets and he had less, so if we divorced not a lot to lose, but we got a pre-nup anyway. He was somebody that I had a crush on too...I found him attractive the moment we met but we became housemates and he was too good of a roommate to risk messing that up with a romance gone sour. So he became like a brother/close friend, I dated other guys casually, and I got to know him well over almost a year---I learned his character and his values, his habits and the direction of his moral compass. Eventually his visa was due to expire and he mentioned marriage; I offered because I felt that I could trust him to abide by the agreements. Shortly before the wedding we slept together, and I fell in love with him. I was too naive to insist that we clarify the relationship, and there were some rough times when it seemed like he would get involved with another woman. Eventually we worked through all of that, we made it through the immigration waiting period and interviews, and he got the green card (back in those days it took less than a year). By then we'd decided that the marriage was for real, and we've been together for 36 yrs and 2 kids. So I have a happy ending but of course not everybody does.

About a year ago our dd approached us for feedback on her scheme to marry a guy so he could get immigration. There was supposedly a large financial incentive for her but of course that is illegal so it would be hard to draw up a contract for it. She would have no control over things like if he broke the terms of the process, such as made a visit to his home country--would she still get all of the money for her trouble? If he lost his job would she end up paying for the divorce? A lot of unknowns and uncontrollables. My advice to her, and to you, is that if you do not know this person's character well enough to be certain he is trustworthy and honorable, and smart enough to understand and follow all of the rules, then don't get involved.

In your case maybe you could live as roommates for a period to really get to know him, to know if you two are even compatible as housemates and if he is somebody with whom you want to take these risks? Please, proceed with caution!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2010

Thank you, Elc11.  I will say a quick thank you now and say more when I have time.  Smile

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003

Trail-girl,

This post just makes me very sad for you. You sound like an excited bride to be, whereas what you are is someone this man's using to stay in the US. He won't fall in love with  you, he won't live with you, he won't be your companion or friend.. .What is happening here is not marriage. Not you and him getting married.  He has found a way to get a piece of paper that entitles him to live in the US. You are his way to obtain this piece of paper. It's not fate and it's not weird and it's not marriage.. Noone gets hurt in these situations when both parties are very clear as to what they gain from the contract (around £3000 and a residency permit respectively). But if one party, i.e. you, is making this into a 'real thing' when it clearly isn't to the other party.. that's just sad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2010

Julia-suk

I remember your username for some odd reason.  I always thought you were a certain nationality becuse of your "suk" at the end.  I also remember all your repiles were negative.  As my dad told me when I was a little girl, let the words of others go in one ear and out the other.  :-)

BTW, I **DID** say this:

Why not delay finding "the one" for another few years? 

What does that mean to you?  Is English your second language or first?  I know what I am going into which is the exact reason I said I don't mind putting off finding the right man/future husband.  You do know that ione idea can be said in different words?  Can you comprehend that?  Maybe you're jealous because I will be richer than you in the end?  Can you read inbetween the lines and figure out what I"m saying without directly saying it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2010

Hi again Elc11

He and I met up Saturday night.  I think he just needed to let it all out - told me he is getting frustrated at work.  He knows he can get a better job, but his status is preventing him.  He does have his Masters Degree in Physical Education and desires to be a gym teacher again.. anyway... turns out his ex-girlfriend texted him the other day and he just wanted to hear a female's opinion..

Won't bore you with detials and I still have to reply to your comments but I am pressed for time again....

The important thing is, I asked him why he kept me as a friend once he got serious with his GF.   I explained to him that all we ever did was meet for drinks at happy hour and he could easily do that with his buddies. His answer was "You're a nice girl and I think you're cool"

Gotta run and clean my kitchen.  Thanks again for your advice.  Try to come back later.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003

Why Rocklady, we have the same POW again! :)

Seriously though.. It would be one thing if someone posted about this kind of situation saying 'I know exactly what's going on here; I know he's only around because he needs a green card and I can provide it for him by marrying him, and in the process I'm going to get £00000. I know  he already has a partner whom he loves and I am not kidding myself that he will somehow miraculously fall in love with me, move in with me and it will become a real marriage'.

I personally believe that these kinds of arrangements, whilst illegal, are essentially a victimless crime, whatever the popular opinion might be. But the OP IS quietly hoping that something MIGHT just happen once they 'marry'. That he WILL suddenly realise that SHE, the OP, is the one for him. She says she doesn't but one reads between the lines.

Love you, and metal rules....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2006

"The important thing is, I asked him why he kept me as a friend once he got serious with his GF.   I explained to him that all we ever did was meet for drinks at happy hour and he could easily do that with his buddies. His answer was "You're a nice girl and I think you're cool"

Sorry and with all due respect, but its hard to believe that the above is comming from a 39 y.o. woman. Based on own first hand experience AND imo: he will leave you penniless AND heartbroken when he is finished with you, when he has the green card in hands,  building his life with that woman of his own nationality. He just found someone naive and lonely enough - and American - to use for his purposes, sadly.

The only thing to do here is to move on. Stop all contact, block all lines of communication, and move on. Believe me i DO understand and felt for many many years that desperation of being alone and lonely, nothing is worse than that.. i KNOW the feeling of *anything is better than being alone* but really this is SUCH a dead end street in all respects, and can and will only end in tears.

Sorry again and best of luck to you.  

Rocklady

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

  Alone is not a good reason.  It can be destructive.  The problem being  what you think you know and what you know are different. It  As a roomate it has some promise. but the feeling i get is the  "I gotta have" coming form you.  Yes it is exciting to get attention. We all are vunerable to this feeling.  How ever, what happens if feeling develop or change he wants a full relationship or you do?  As far as marrying fo rthr green card don't.  The winds of change are upon us and many new laws or enforcement of those laws are in the offing.  Divorce is expensive and with marriage to a non citizen pre nups are not allowed.  Remember is is two seperate enities, the federal and the state.    Plus  there are going to be cultural differences.

chaika

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