I'm new... need advice please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2003
I'm new... need advice please!
6
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 9:37am
Hello everyone!

I'm 35 and have been dating a 24 y/o guy for 10 mos. He's great in SO many ways and I love him. The only concern/problem I have is money. I'm divorced with 3 kids... own my home etc. I have a good job and am financially stable -- nothing more, nothing less. My b/f on the other hand just finished school a year ago and has been working in his field since then. He's living with his parents to save money for a house. He is just getting started. I know I make a little more than he does. The problem is that I feel like he takes advantage of me when it comes to paying for things. Most times our entertainment costs are split evenly, but there are times when I end up paying more. On the other hand, he has bought me a couple of nice, more exp. gifts (one for Val Day and the other for no reason). I have bought him a few things here and there, but nothing big. Up until now, I've been letting it slide, but I just can't anymore. It's really starting to affect our relationship and how I feel about him. I'm becoming very resentful. How should I approach this with him? I don't think he really realizes that it bothers me and that I feel taken advantage of. I think he believes I do it out of the goodness of my heart LOL!

Thanks for your advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 10:38am
You've a very valid point: the two of you are in very different places in your lives.

That said, do you really think you could reconcile those places into a long-term and/or permanent match?

This, to me, sounds like it may have been a good "transitional" relationship. It was a good thing that came at a good time for both of you, but the times have changed, and now you want different things.

I agree that you don't want the resentment to build, and to avoid that you may have to call off the relationship. You may be able to salvage a friendship out of it, though, but that's your call. Broach it to him; I'll bet he feels likewise.

Ash

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 11:16am
Money is always a concern in a relationship. It's hard if he is still getting a free ride at home trying to save for his own home while you have kids and a house already and are paying for more than him. If he is still living at home he should be treating you more because you are paying for your whole life while he isn't. This is going to be a difficult discussion but, a neccesary one. The problem will only get worse if you do not say anything to him. Find out when he plans on buying a home and how much he has saved. Also how much he is putting away from every pay. Tell him you need him to pick up his share more and if he can't than you need to discuss other less expensive things to do that you both can enjoy. I guess in a way I am old fashioned that men should court you. In part taking you out and showing you that they can "take care of you." Not that I would ever or have ever expected or wanted a man to take care of me but, it's better to have one that can than not. Don't let the resentment fester. Either discuss it with him or end the relationship because if you continue how it is your going you'll to come to heads with it sooner or later and why not try and resolve it sooner.

rye

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 3:46pm
What's wrong with simply saying:

"Hey honey.. I want to talk to you about money. It's really starting to affect our relationship and how I feel about you. I'm becoming very resentful. I don't think you really realize that it bothers me and that I feel taken advantage of because of _______ __________ _________ _____________ (fill in the reasons)"

After dating for 10 months, an honest, open discussion needn't be that difficult.

Not to sound rude but... why is a 24 year old who's living with mommy & daddy dating a 35 year old woman with 3 kids?

What do you want from this relationship? Marriage?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 3:57pm
Maybe some of the resentment stems from the fact that you don't see yourself together in the future. Therefore, he is saving up to spend later - on a house with another woman? Otherwise, if you get married - everything will be yours, mine & ours anyway so who cares? Why are you "keeping score"? Are you used to men treating you and paying for everyhing? If so, then maybe this guy (somehow more conservative with money) is not for you? Or maybe you have "issues" from old bfs taking financial advantage of you? I think you really need to ask yourself WHY this bothers you so much...then you'll have your answer...

Welcome to the board! Go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 4:09pm
While I agree that things will become "yours, mine and ours," if you've ever been in a situation where "yours" is continually paying for "ours" (or "his" too often and not "yours" often enough), it gets old after awhile. That's when you have to wonder if you're being generous or simply being played for a fool and therefore taken advantage of. It's hard to feel loved when you feel more like a fool--and harder still to accept that the one you love is making you feel that way.

If you're that uneasy about the $$ aspect, you MUST ask; it's good sense to inquire. Love is love, and business is business, and you gotta take care of both. Which is why I think this relationship is probably headed for the rocks; these 2 have arrived at 2 very different places in their lives. What worked previously no longer does, so it's time to ask about what's going on. Then depending on the reply, and your own gut instinct, move forward--and know that this door will shut while another one will open.

Ash

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2003
Thu, 07-31-2003 - 9:21am
Thanks everyone for the advice. I guess I need to clarify a couple of things. First, he is paying rent to his parents while living there and I know that he plans to move out in the spring.

As for why a 24 year old is dating a 35 year old with 3 kids? Why does anyone date who they date? Admittedly in the beginning I did not think this would ever go anywhere. As time went on however, I found him to be charming, funny, sensitive, and mature. He knew what he wanted in life, where he was going, etc. I've dated guys my age, and older and NONE of them compared to him. I also admit that at this point, I'm still not sure where this will end up.

To answer the question of why this bothers me so much. After thinking about it, I guess I would like to have someone that can "take care of me". No I don't expect to live lavishly, but just to know there is financial stability there would be nice. I guess in some ways, it makes me feel like I'm mothering him. I don't need anymore children!

Thanks again, you've made me think!!!