I'm so wishy-washy!

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
I'm so wishy-washy!
15
Mon, 12-26-2011 - 8:39pm
I want him. Then I don't. I want more. Then I don't. Is this normal for most women, or are you always on board with a guy from the beginning?

It's been about four months since we've begun our "friendship". He chased me for a good six months before that and I turned him down, mostly because he already has three kids. I thought he wanted to date me until my girlfriend gave him my number and his pervy side came out. That's when I decided he just wanted sex and he'd be okay for that.

But now I'm stuck, as most women find themselves in this situation. Does he want more? Do I want more? Sometimes I miss him and want to see him (like at this very moment) and other times I just want to blow him off (like just a few hours ago). I go from one extreme to another in a short period of time! I haven't seen him in three weeks at this point. I've been sick or busy since then when he's texted me. We did text off and on from Thursday to Saturday afternoon. I suppose I need to ask him what he wants, but I'm so baaaaad at that! Plus men get scared off so easily.

I'm sure I've posted about this before with this guy. I just figured it'd work itself out by now, either by things ending because he got bored or started dating someone, or by me getting annoyed by him. But it hasn't. I also realized that I'm like this with every guy I date. I never have consistent feelings about anyone!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 12-26-2011 - 9:07pm

So what do you have now?

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Mon, 12-26-2011 - 9:28pm
We haven't gone out on any dates or told any common friends that there's anything going on. It's only a matter of time before someone figures it out, though. We do occasionally end up at the same place and tend to be more affectionate than just normal friends.

I honestly don't know his feelings about having more kids. I know he hasn't had a vasectomy so he's capable. He also isn't paranoid about the fact that I could end up pregnant if bc fails. That seems to be the thing holding me back, yet it's not a conversation you have with a FWB. He could be holding back because he doesn't know what I want.

I obviously need to figure this out, and part of that is knowing what he wants. I'm just horrible at speaking up about things.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
Tue, 12-27-2011 - 11:01am
I think this situation is more wash than wish. He wasn't a wish - when people say - I wouldn't date you if you were the last person on Earth - well, this guy was next to last. It was a long time so you finally settled on at least having the physical side of a relationship. But there is no dating here - no nights out, shows, flowers, and he doesn't even follow up regularly and definitely hasn't stepped up. I would think a woman would want a guy who makes it clear that she means a lot to him - I guess the only advantage to this guy is that you don't have to buy batteries.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 12-27-2011 - 11:11am

I tend to agree w/ what you said.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Tue, 12-27-2011 - 12:02pm
Personally, if I were in your shoes and I was sensing that I *might* be having feelings for this guy, I'd probably have an honest conversation with him at that point and based on his reaction, either take things to the next level, or move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Tue, 12-27-2011 - 12:07pm

I have to agree with Music and JT.. I love having a man's point of view..by the way.

I dont think this guy is going to change his mind either if as they say the relationship just started with sex..and as we all know women can fall in love with a man and want things to change.

I think shy you want the whole package of love and committment and kids and I feel you should move on if that is what you want and like JT said before anymore romantic feelings get in the way if they havent already. Its sad but true.

There are some days I feel I could handle a fwb but then again there are some days I know I couldnt and I would want more. It would be painful emotionally for me as I know I wear my heart on my sleeve. Not that anyone is asking me but I would love to have sex but not sure I could separate that from my heart.. That is how women are and that is the facts and you are kidding yourself if you think you can dodge that bullet.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Tue, 12-27-2011 - 12:53pm

Oh, no, he wasn't next to last or anything like that.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Tue, 12-27-2011 - 12:54pm

I know I need to have that conversation....I'm just REALLY, REALLY bad at it!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Tue, 12-27-2011 - 2:13pm

Its not easy to have that conversation, but at the same time, I don't tihnk anyone is good at it. So stop telling yourself you are bad at it, that is just giving yourelf permission to avoid it.

I don't tihnk there is anything wrong with having the conversation with him, and telling him that you don;t know if you want more. You could tell him you are not ruling it out, that you are trying to figure out what you want. And then if he is not interested in more, that can shape your decision, which is different from making it for you.

For me, not kowing would make me more crazy. Its clearly already in your head, so find out what is in his.

And let the rest of us know :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Tue, 12-27-2011 - 2:37pm

Oh, Shy, it sure does seem that you're selling short - your DREAMS, not just yourself.

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