I'm too in my head!

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
I'm too in my head!
Sun, 08-11-2013 - 12:02pm
I should probably just go with it and not think. I should. But that's not on my nature! So one of the guys I posted about before is rather smitten with me. He told me so. Said he's been smitten for awhile. The problem? He's the one I'm not sure I can be attracted to. Now, in the past I've initially found men unattractive and that changed once I got to know them. In fact, the strongest chemistry I've ever had with someone was with a guy I found downright ugly when I met him. I can't help but think I'd be leading him on if I go out with him, though. He wants to do something Saturday. I did give him my number, so he can call if he wants. I just don't know what I'll say if he does. He did also says that he got the impression that I wasn't into him. I told him I'm just really cautious when it comes to men. My single girlfriend says she can't see us together. I can't really either, but I wasn't uncomfortable last night when he sat with his arm around me or kissed my head when I left (he's 6'5"- that's all he could reach, thankfully!). Why can't a guy I'm attracted to right away be smitten with me?? That would be way easier!!


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Sun, 08-11-2013 - 12:35pm

It would definitely be a heck of a lot easier, that is for sure. 

For me personally, if I feel no chemistry with a guy, I won't go out with him.  But what you could do in this scenario is meetup for coffee.  Something simple and casual.  That way, if you're just not feeling it, you can bow out early.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sun, 08-11-2013 - 3:22pm

I'm like that too usually. I just can't decide if I've given chemistry time to develop or not. I don't expect to want to rip his clothes off right away, so I do think I need to give it time. I think maybe I just need to tell him I want to be friends first. Then I can decide. He did text me this morning to see how I was feeling since I've been sick. I didn't let a conversation develop. I think that was my mistake with the last two guys who were incessant texters. I encouraged it because I liked the attention.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 08-11-2013 - 5:39pm

I have mixed opinions about the chemistry thing.  There's the small group of people who are so gorgeous that you would just die to be able to be with them.  Then there's a small group who you find so unattractive for whatever reason that the thought of touching them makes your skin crawl.  I think the majority of people are in the middle.  I think for those people, chemistry is a combination of looks and personality & I think that you should try to get to know someone a little better before you write them off if you don't know the person that well.  Like you, I found my exH unattractive when we first met--he's kind of a biker dude and I never went for that type.  I am so much more into the clean cut businessman or at least a regular guy.  But I got to know him and after much effort on his part, he finally got a date with me.  My attitude was more of a challenge--ok, show me what you got there. It worked.  I do remember that on our first real "date"--going out to a nice dinner, it was raining very hard when we left and I basically told him to get in my car & kiss me.  Needless to say, he didn't mind that offer at all--and that was that for the chemistry.  It was not based on looks.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sun, 08-11-2013 - 6:29pm

Music, you have the best stories.  The one about your ex, oh so romantic ;)

Shy, I hope you have fun on your date!  

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2005
Sun, 08-11-2013 - 7:15pm

If you think that it's possible to develop an attraction to him, then I think that's a good sign.  Sounds like it's worth spending time with him, even if just as friends.  Don't be too hard on yourself, it is fun to have guys interested and you haven't been dishonest with anyone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Mon, 08-12-2013 - 7:44pm

gee. Not sure about when I was thirty ish but now being 59 I am not sure I think chemistry is a big deal anymore.... I would think that if you like someone and there is some sort of connection it could work.. Not sure if there are any bells and whistles that go off in this day and age or someone who really knocks you out.. and waiting for that may take a long long time and being alone is worse ..

You have nothing to lose by going for it.. If it doesnt float your boat then you paddle away..... No worries..

There are so many different scenarios these days with relationships......so this could work for you..

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Mon, 08-12-2013 - 8:16pm

Music- I thought of you when I was posting this. I remembered your story!  

Free- I don't put much emphasis on immediate chemistry. It does have to develop somewhat At some point, though. Otherwise, he's just a friend. 

I've decided to just go with the flow. I think he was upset that I didn't create a long texting conversation yesterday bc later he texted again "Great talk!" I told him I'd been running around all day and was getting ready to nap. I really am at a point where I could take him or leave him, so maybe letting him chase me will be to my benefit. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Mon, 08-12-2013 - 10:58pm

Withour a hint or promise of chemistry, why bother, in my opinion.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 08-13-2013 - 1:13am

I do not trust chemistry.  I do not trust at all.   I had a event that showed me how unreliable chemistry really is.

  A friend needed a ride to get something from a friend of hers.  When we arrived the woman who opened the door and i felt chemistry.  if the friend had not been there we would have jumped into bed.   A couple of days,weeks later we met again and nothing, nada.  That is why I do not trust chemistry.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2006
Tue, 08-13-2013 - 3:21am

Hey Gleannfia, as per usual i couldnt agree more with you.. there HAS to be this *something* from the beginning - otherwise, indeed, no point to bother..