Inability to be in a relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2007
Inability to be in a relationship
9
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 11:57pm

I have a problem you guys may be able to help me with.

I've only had a couple of real relationships, and none of them have been real serious. Its kind of gotten to a point where I like the idea of meeting that "special someone", but at the same time I know it is not a possibility for me but I don't really know how to explain why. I find whenever I start to get into a relationship with a guy, I kinda panic and feel like even spending time with them more than once or twice a week is smothering. I'm not a fan of them kissing me or touching me. Its almost like I long for some freedom I never really had in the first place. I don't really just do this with guys either, I am AMAZINGLY indecisive. I hate committing myself to anything really, because once I commit myself to something I stick to it unless something dire comes up (like I'm so sick I can't get out of bed or something) and I feel horrible if I can't stick to what I say I'm going to do, even if its because a friend backed out and has nothing to do with me. Anyone have any ideas as to what the heck my problem is?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 11:19am

I don't think a message board is the place to find the answers.

A really good therapist can help you work through it, though.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 11:30am

I agree with sisfox. If a relationship is something you want, but the reality of it physically scares you or causes you to tense up/get defensive of your time and space, there's likely a subconscious reason for that. Therapy can be a great way to uncover those hidden fears and start talking about them. Once you have identified the real issue, you can begin to work through it and be more ready to embrace a relationship when a great guy comes along.

Good luck. :)

AJ, enjoying life with C.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 2:05pm
For what it's worth, I agree with Sisfox and TG. There's no shame in it. Everyone has a therapist these days ; )
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2007
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 6:00pm

I also agree that thearpy might be the way to figure stuff out. I would also like to say a very close friend of mine is exactly like you. She has tried talking to me about it but I can only give her the same advice.

Good luck with everything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2007
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 7:13pm

Yeah, gee, thanks. I was only looking for an opinion and what a group of people thought, not be told that I need therapy to figure it out. 1) I cannot afford a therapist and my health insurance is crap and doesn't cover it, 2) if I wanted a more indepth answer I would have gone to a therapist in the first place. I mean, because a message board is a place to exchange ideas and opinions right? What good is it if you guys go "don't ask questions, just go see a shrink"? No, there isn't shame in seeing a therapist, but if I'd WANTED that I would have gone there in the first place.

So, thanks a lot. Nice to know I can ask questions. Sorry to have intruded on your little secret club, I won't be around to bother you anymore.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 7:29pm

I think the opinion everyone has given you so far is that we really don't have any suggestions for you, and maybe a professional can get to the root of the problem better than a bunch of women who don't really understand what causes detachment like you describe it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 7:58pm
I think there could be a lot of things that could be the reason why you are feeling smothered in your relationships which is probably why everyone suggested to see a therapist. I agree when you don't have the money to cover it, it can be rough but if you can swing it then I would do that along with asking others for advice.
Did you have a distant father who was emotionally unavailable? Do you like the chase or challenge better than being in a relationship? Some of these things indicate emotionally unavailability. But, there always is some sort of discomfort in a close relationship because of normal fears of getting too close. The thing to try to find out is if this discomfort is unhealthy and that you are constantly pushing people away as a result or if it's just normal "relationship jitters". Sometimes if you really like the guy and want to be with him it might help to just go through the discomfort and get used to being close to the person. I had to do that at the beginning of my relationship because i wasnt' used to a guy being around and as available as he is since my father wasn't and the guys before him weren't either.
Some people just don't require that much closeness in a relationship and would rather have the more independent type of relationship where they only see the person once a week or so and it works for them and you may just be one of those people.
Also how old are you? Sometimes when you are young and still wanting to have a good time and not wanting to settle down then you will feel uncomfortable getting close.
I hope this helps some.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 12:57pm

I honestly didn't mean to blow you off with my response or make you feel invalidated in asking your question. I think your question is one that a lot of people have experienced at one time or another, so you are not alone it that.

I recommended seeing a therapist because I personally went to one for a short while to work out some of my own relationship stuff. I found it hugely helpful, because she had this amazing ability to get to the root of what was really bothering me and then helped me talk about it. She helped me look at things from a new perspective and move past some major roadblocks I had for the first time ever. Sometimes a third party is the best for getting to those issues that are so deep-seated that we don't even know what they are.

These issues can be really complicated (mine were), so those of us who don't know you and don't know your story can't always provide a quick answer in a format like a message board. We can definitely try to offer support the best way we know how but, like Shy said, sometimes the best answer we have is that we don't know the answer.

Also, when I went to therapy, I was working only part-time and going to school, so didn't have any money to spare. I actually found a non-profit organization whose therapists worked on a sliding scale based on your income. If you could afford to pay $20, that's what they charged. I know a lot of cities offer those programs. There are also schools that offer inexpensive counseling with their counseling master's students.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2007
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 10:59pm
From a guys point of view, I was unable to even start a relationship past a few
nonsexual dates because I had a medical problem that I made a bigger deal of than what it was, that I had from my teens and I thought I was not normal, anyway I sought medical advice and had it taken care of well past when I should have. If I was unfortunate to of
not had medical insurance, I may still have this problem. On another point My ex
was raped as a teen, a few months after her father died, I think this affected
her thinking to make rational decisions. When I met her she had two children, from
the same guy eventhough he was never there once she became pregnant both times, not
even living together or being in her life to take up his responsibility. She claims
she wanted a full commitment but what she really wanted was me to be committed to
her , but she did not have to. You know, what is mine is mine, what is yours is mine,
I can lie habitually, but you have to be honest, you have to work continuously,
which I always have, but it is okay If I work sporadically,or drop out of school
multiple times. I have one piece of advice do not try to solve your relationship issues
at the expense of the guys heart, trust me I have been there. We both went to a relationship counselor, for which she stopped going after the counselor callled her
out on some lies she said. We all have had some rough patches in our lives for which
outside professional help helps some, and a selfhelp book may help with others, even others with someone else's own experiences.