Interfering friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Interfering friend
6
Sun, 06-09-2013 - 11:43am

Well this is kind of embarrassing but here goes.  As the regular people know, I met a guy and had 2 "dates" with him where I could never tell whether it was really a date or how much he liked me--he was kind of giving me mixed messages.  We have a female friend "S" in common--she is actually his exGF--they broke up at least a year ago & she has another BF now so she is definitely out of the picture.  I've actually seen her a couple of times at meetup events--that's how we met.  So the last time I saw her, she asked me what was going on with him.  I said I didn't know and told her about the last time we were together--and I clearly said that I did not know whether he was interested in me or not.  She said why don't you tell him you are interested and then you'll know.  Well that is not me--I can't see just emailing someone to say you're interested, I wouldn't even suggest a man do that.  But I did invite him to a dance that I was going to do a group performance at.  When I didn't hear back from him, then I just assumed he wasn't interested and that would have been clear enough to me.

So I also knew that the same day as the dance that both of them were running a race that a.m.  That night (and I'm glad I didn't get this email til the next day cause I had a really fun night) I got an email from him that said "S told me that you think that we are having a relationship" and he went on to say that he's sorry that I misunderstood, he only likes me as a friend and dance partner--and he's dating someone else!--but he hopes we can still be friends and dance together.  I know he was trying to be as nice as possible.  But now I am embarrassed for no reason!  I surely never thought that we were "in a relationship."  Who would think that after 2 dates anyway even if it was clear that the guy liked you?  And I'm sure that S did not say that after we had a long discussion about how I didn't know how he felt--maybe she told him that I would like to be in a relationship which, again, is something that she should not have said.

So now I am pretty annoyed.  I'm sure she felt she was trying to help this along because she likes fixing people up, but it really backfired.  She could have been a lot more subtle about it or just asked him if he was dating anyone--and then he would have told her about the other woman.  Now I have unncessary embarrassment with him that could have been avoided.  If he had just stopped calling for no reason, then he would have been the one in the awkward position, not me, or I could have just pretended that everything was fine.  Now I really hope that we just don't run into each other.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Mon, 06-10-2013 - 9:55pm

Totally agree with Florida.  And Music was smart enough not to push things.  Man, how old is this "S"?  It's really sad that in our 50s + we have to be dealing with this bulls-it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 06-09-2013 - 8:18pm

I was originally going to email her & ask her what she said & say that I was unhappy that this all happened, but then I thought about it & discussed it with friends and figured what is the point?  Would it change anything?  It sure wouldn't make him like me.  She is not a close friend since we only see each other at meetup events in this one single parents group but she is actually someone I like a lot and I don't want to make a big deal out of it and I might not see her for months.  If she does bring it up, then I might say that I wasn't happy with the way things turned out.  It was my choice not to tell him I was interested and I had already figured out that he wasn't interested when I hadn't heard from him in a few weeks (as floridagirl said) so if nothing was ever said and we saw each other again, I could have acted like it was no big deal and now everything is out there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 06-09-2013 - 8:09pm

Oh I did reply to his email to clear that up (although who knows if he would even believe me?).  I said that I never thought we were in a relationship and that S had asked me if we were dating and I said "I don't know." which is exactly true (I omitted the other stuff we talked about).  I didn't even say that I was interested in him.  Of course I said that we could remain friends and he should not feel awkward if we happened to run into each other again.  Honesly I think that now I would avoid a meetup event if there were only going to be a few people at it, like a dinner, cause I would feel terribly awkward--but I wouldn't want to miss an event that I really wanted to go to just cause he was there, esp. if a lot of people were going.  And it's unlikely that we would just run into each other but you never know.

After thinking about it, I doubt that SHE was the one who said that.  I think generally we women tend to discuss relationships more and get into all the nuances and I doubt she could have misconstrued what I said that much.  I could see her saying something like "she likes you" or "she wasn't sure whether you were dating" and this guy getting it all screwed up.  There would be no reason for S to misrepresent me because 1) she has her own BF so she is totally not interested in the guy and 2) she said she thought we would be good together so maybe she was trying to push him--who knows?

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sun, 06-09-2013 - 1:14pm

Wow. That's awful!  I would also reply and tell him that you're not sure why she thought that, but it certainly was not what you thought. I'd probably also tell him you aren't interested in dating- just friends. He doesn't have to know that you were open at one point. At this point, though, I'd definitely not want to date him!  Are you planning on confronting her about it? 

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sun, 06-09-2013 - 12:12pm

OMG, I would skewer this twit!  When did he send you that email?  If I were you, I would reply to it (if it was sent fairly recently) and let him know that you were curious as to his intentions or what have you, but DID NOT think you were in a relationship!  I would also add that this S person totally misrepresented you.  I'm sorry, but if he worded that email verbatim, she was not trying to help.  I'm not saying that you shouldn't be her friend any longer but she grossly twisted your words and if I were you, I would be wondering why.  

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Sun, 06-09-2013 - 12:12pm

That's just excruciating. I cannot believe your friend is so bone-headed. Obviously, you can never confide in her again.

And on another note, once again it has been proven that if the guy ain't calling you up to ask you out, he's just not that into you. I know many people encouraged you to call and nudge him. I'm so glad you didn't. But now you have to deal with this totally unecessary embarassment.