Irritated Beyond All Belief

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Irritated Beyond All Belief
10
Thu, 07-27-2006 - 11:27pm

So I quit my job the other day kind of on a whim. My sanity was at stake, so it had to be done. I have no job to fall back on, so I started to freak out. I have not been eating or sleeping very well and I utterally cracked last night. I needed to talk to somebody about it, so I called my friend. I left her a message that was litterally in tears. I told her that I quit my job and need advice since she works in HR. So being a good friend and you could hear that your friend was in distress, don't you think that first thing you would do would be to either call them or at the very least email them? Especially since I hardly cry. Ever. And I was obviously upset on this message. I am pissed because she I and I were the closest ever since college, up until she got married. What kind of friend does not call them back when they're in a complete break down? I truly don't get it.

I tell you, I will never be that girl who lets their friends down when I get married. But then again, I am one of the last ones, literally, so I guess that really won't matter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2006
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 8:23am

It strikes me as strange that your friend didn't reply to your message; especially if the pair of you are as close to one another as you say you are. It might be a case of simply not hearing the message or it being deleted without realising. However you speak about her marriage and it seems you almost resent the fact that she dosn't focus as much on your friendship anymore - that can be infuriating, especially when you're the last of your 'friendship group' to get settled down etc. Your friend might have had other issues to deal with, but it still isnt an excuse to simply ignore your phonecall completely. Even if she couldnt reply straight away, there is always time to make up for it by getting in touch later on.

I suggest you perhaps ring her up again one day this week and have a chat with her, when you're in a calmer state, and can be more concise and not as likely to get really wound up and emotional infront of her. Don't be confrontational but make it clear that she hurt your feelings by 'ignoring' your message. Remember to ask her if she even got the voicemail (because it's quite possible that she didnt)..but if she says "oh yes i did, sorry i didnt have time to ring you back.." be wary. She's probably giving you some sort of excuse and she shouldn't be allowed to get out of it quite so easily.

Thing is..it seems you still want the same level of closeness with your friend..and there's nothing wrong with that in the slightest, after being friends a long time, it's only natural - especially if your relationships arent changing too much around you. But she's married now..People usually end up having their partner as their best friend and confident. You might feel the same about your friendship, but she might have a different view of whats going on between you two. Its not nice to hear, trust me - i've been there and got the t-shirt, but sometimes you just have to accept it. Either way, let her know how you feel! She can't make amends otherwise if she dosnt realise quite how annoyed you are.

Hope it helps

Siobhan

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2006
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 9:23am
I actually don't expect too much from her anymore since she is married. I dealt with that issue a long time ago. My point was not to vent because we're not as close anymore, but more the fact that I was in a crisis and she never even responded when I needed her. I don't expect as much from my married friends anymore. I realize that they have a different lives and have new responsibilities. But that should not excuse her ignoring me when I was crying over the phone. It's been two days now. I find that completely selfish.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 10:00am

Kcole68,

I hope you are feeling better. I've left a job without having one to go to so I can imagine how you must be feeling. Can you do temp to get a bit of cash in while you look for another job?

I know how you feel about your friend. I have a best friend who is married with two children and I am Godmother to her first child. She lives around the corner from me but I see her literally once or twice a year. It is not her priority to make time for me in that way. She does make an effort to call or text message me though but I can't rely on her in a crisis. Yet if she needs something, I am supposed to drop everything for her. She basically screens her calls and answers her phone when she feels like it. I was so frustrated by her one day that I wrote her a text message saying that if the situations were reversed and I was the one who was married with children, I would not treat her in the way that she treated me. She did make an effort after that but it's gone back to the lax friendship it was. There are relationship women and there are women who are independent of relationships and I'm the latter not the former. I understand a relationship is important but I also know how to keep a balance between my career, my friends, my family and my partner. There are a lot of people on this board who claim to be the same way but judging from their 'woe is me' posts, their whole lives and happiness focus on finding a partner. I'm never going to be that person because I need more than that.

I get really frustrated that women do not see friendships as important as men. For a lot of women, it's really only a means to an end ie to find a partner. Most women neglect friendships and whilst most men know how to maintain their friendships. It's hard in your 30's to be single and have your friends enter relationships and leave you behind. It makes me want to put more emphasis on a relationship because I can rely on a partner to be there for me in a way I cannot rely on a women friend. This is not because I will forgo the friendship but because I have a fear they will and I'm not prepared to invest that much time in friendships anymore which is a really sad thing to say. The way your friend treated you is very wrong and I think you need to address it with her.

Feisty

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 11:35am

That's sad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 11:43am

Big hugs to ya! I hear your frustration (over the friend) and anxiety over the job situation. I hope you will be able to find something else better soon! Just take a deep breath and know everything will be just fine :) :). I can't comment much on your friend since I don't know her as well as you do, but I used to have a friend like that in college, so I can relate. My case wasn't as dramatic, but it's truly disappointing when some people just vanish when you need them the most!

If this brings any consolation, I'm sending you all the best wishes :)

Take care,
icuryy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 3:22pm
Just a lot of hugs and positive thoughts for ya. I understand :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 5:46pm
Hugs, I'm sorry to hear this. I have had that happen to me a couple of times. My sister in fact does this to me. Ever since she got married and had her baby it's like other's around her except for her friends with babies don't matter and she used to be one to swear that she will never forget her single friends or family in that manner. I understand that she must be very busy but when someone is in need, especially her own sister she should lend an ear. I guess I get more frustrated because I always listen to people and I'm caring by nature so when I dont' get the same back I get hurt.
I try to just chalk it up to that's just the way most people are especially when they get married and/or have children and they don't remember what it's like to be single and needing a friend to listen. Most are not sympathetic/empathetic because they are so wrapped up in what's going on in their lives.
I would tell her how you feel about this because if she has no idea what she's doing then she will never be able to step up to the plate when you need her to be around. Tell her how important it is for you to have her friendship and others' friendship during this time of need and if she doesn't try to make more of an effort after that then you should cut off the friendship and drift away and find other friends who will be there for you when you are in need. Meet other people and try to develop new friendships, especially other single people who can understand and be there for you more. I have a lot of single women friends that I"m VERY grateful to have in my life who understand me and who are available for me usually when I need them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 7:02pm
Thank you. It is nice to hear so many supportive and kind words. I do have more supportive friends, single and married that have been helping me. I guess it just frustrates me more because of the friendship we used to have. All the times I leant her a kind and supportive ear when she needed it. It just sucks to be on the other side without the same in return.
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 07-29-2006 - 12:47am

{{{HUGSSS}}} kcole.

I have learned to accept that people come into my life for the "right amount" of time and I should not try to hold onto them. I let go many people who I felt very close and emotionally initmate with because our lives moved on separate paths.

My guy friend uses the 3 call rule, if he calls 3 times without a response he drops them. I think if the person does not want to invest the time or energy into a reciprocal relationship then I move on.

Take care and let us know how else we can support you.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Sun, 07-30-2006 - 12:49pm

Hello Kcole68

How are you holding up? Hope you are feeling better. I know it is hard at this time. I went through something similar this January. Do you have other friends with whom you could talk to? Do that and just look at the positive aspects of life. It would really help you to get through.