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| Sat, 08-04-2007 - 1:18pm |
On Thursday my psychologist and I were talking about battered self-esteem and failed parentings. I told her about how my father used to yell at me like I am stupid. The worse thing is that he never yells at my brother and treats him more affectionately. Once, he remarked that although he and my mother love us, they will not show it overtly by hugging, saying "I love you," and so on. Yet, when my brother was six or seven, my father would still pick him up and coddle with him.
I also told her that when I was small, I never got any thing I wanted by asking. Yet my brother would always get his way by asking and nagging until my parents cave in. The only times that I got new toys were when I did well in school. So my brother is "entitled" to what he wants whereas I had to earn them. (No wonder I am always afraid of asking a girl out -- Asking had never worked for me!) To be fair, I have to admit that the family is now doing better economically than it was before, but that does not change the fact that there has been a double standard.
It feels really painful to see how so many things could go wrong in my life. At the end, my psychologist gave me an advice, that it was my parents' loss that they neglected me. I don't remember what else she said, but something like how can a person feel good and enjoy himself when his parents did not enjoy him.

I honestly think that it's time to let go of what your parents did.
I thought the same thing. It's time to let that go.
I think most everyone had a rotten childhood - to different degrees of course. Mine was pretty bad. My parents were good but everyone and everything else was pretty crappy.
But at this point, all that happened some 20-30 years ago. Time to get over it. That was then... this is now.
Yes I should let go of the past, but each week when we talk, we find more "rotten" things. Also it is really tough when you know that your siblings are luckier, that they will not go through the same pain .... My parents, especially my father, are still clueless. He thinks that the family is perfect when he is screwing up so much. I understand that no parent is perfect but how can he be so blind? A few years ago he forgot my mother's birthday and he blamed me. Go figure!
You guys are right that I need to pick myself up. I have long forgotten how to have fun, enjoy myself or like myself, but I want to start. Any more suggestions?
You really need to realize that you will never change your father, your mother, how they treat your siblings, or your childhood experiences.
I don't mean to be rude, but I just don't see this as being as big of a deal as you make it sound, unless I'm missing something.
To me it sounds like classic older sibling syndrome (my non-technical term for it). My family was pretty much the same way: I was only rewarded occasionally (and I hardly ever did anything wrong), while my brother STILL complains until he gets what he wants (though he's a lot better...and 20, by the way). On the other hand, he'd get in trouble constantly for throwing temper tantrums and doing poorly in school. He lives at home now and all my mom was going to ask him for was 100 bucks a month...here, that barely covers food! He ended up volunteering to pay more, but still. When I was younger and I'd point out him getting something that I never even would have asked for, the excuse was that I'd travelled and learned how to play an instrument and he'd done neither...sure, but I WORKED my a** off for everything I got, unlike his asking for, I don't know, random toys and games and whatnot.
My parents never really showed physical affection, but that's just the way they are. It's affected me a little in that I have a little bit of a hard time showing physical affection toward friends and family, but I think I'm pretty good in relationships still. I don't think it was necessarily a "problem," just the way my mom and dad were in the first place.
My dad and I haven't had a good relationship since I was about four. I told my ex as much after my dad had made me upset over a particularly callous and hurtful (and uncalled for) comment (which he made quite often, would apologize, then do the same exact thing a week later....I eventually got fed up and simply talked to him less), and he became upset and thought it was awful that we had such a strained relationship. For me, I just accepted it and went about my business, I still don't think it's such a big deal. Believe me, I didn't choose to have a distant relationship and I don't think I've ever done a whole lot to cause it or make things worse.
That being said (and I know I'm complaining a little bit, but for the sake of illustration :) ), I just don't let it bother me. Part of it I take as a compliment, that my parents don't (and didn't) dote on me because they knew I could and can take care of myself; they know that I'm ok alone and even prefer it. Like I've said before, I verge on being stubborn about being independent and maybe that's something good that's come of being the older sibling. I'm my own person now, and things that far in the past are in the past and I try either not to let them affect me or to learn from them. I couldn't even say I think about any of my family issues unless something (like this or my parents angering me in some way) brings it to the surface, which isn't all that often now that I'm out of their house.
Again, I don't mean to offend, I just think you might not realize how many people have had similar issues. I feel like people think of this "perfect" upbringing that, as it happens, almost NO ONE has had.
I can relate & I do agree with everyone, but you know I never realized for myself that I would be in therapy for so long. I feel like my parents did a lot of damage & now I have to spend xyz money & years to build my self-esteem back-up. Further my sister still remains estranged/distant & it hurts because I think that I am to blame...and I have asked yet she is one of those that says "it's never too late to have a happy childhood crap" & that she knew at age 5 to set boundaries, yet she did nothing to help me & a lot of times I felt there were 3 people against me.
I think that you have to go through certain things in therapy but at the same time he/she needs to explore ways to live in the present. One person said "you never lose your place in your family" It's sad, but even my sister's kids treat me like I am the crazy one.
It's the hardest thing at times. I sometimes feel very hopeless & have thought of suicide.
Anyway, know you are not alone but do get some closure on it.