It amazes me, the lack of compassion

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2001
It amazes me, the lack of compassion
14
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 4:59pm

Hi there single friends!

I know on this board we often talk about friendships because they are so important especially when you are single.

I am just amazed at the lack of compassion for those who are alone or might be lonely.

Yesterday I was on the phone with a new girlfriend of mine. We were talking about another older gal we both know of who is in dance with us. "J" (my friend on the phone) said "Oh, and "C" seems so needy! She always seems like she needs companionship or someone to talk to". She said it as if it was a terrible faux pas or sin.

I was shocked to say the least and was inwardly bothered by her comments. Inside I was wondering if I ever committed the "terrible" sin of wanting someone to talk to or be with. I know I have, many times in my life. *GASP!* The way she said it was like it was this terrible, terrible attribute in a person. Almost like having a terrible communicable disease.

After she said that, I actually felt more for "C" the gal "J" was talking about. "C" is a very attractive woman in her 40's who is single and kind of poor. She also does not have family. She did seem to like to talk when you got her on the phone or in person but it didn't seem *needy* to me. She just wanted to talk! I am like "so what"? What is wrong with needing/wanting to talk and wanting company? Isn't that how we get our needs met?

The whole thing made me mildly angry. My friend "J", although a very fun person, is not very compassionate. I wonder if she'll ever be needy in her life and be wanting to talk and be rejected because of it. I wonder what made her ever think that was a horrible quality? I wondered when she would get a "compassion chip" implanted in her brain so that when she comes across someone like that, she is nice, and listens to them without judging. I really wish I had spoken up when I was on the phone with her. I wish I said something like "Oh, I don't think it's bad if someone wants someone to talk to, I don't think it's bad at all, it's very natural". I wish I said something just to get her to think. Another wrinkle..."J" has an active family life. "C" does not. I often wonder if "J" would be more compassionate if she understood how hard it is to not have family. I wonder if this even crossed her mind.

This whole experience made me realize that there are definitely two groups of people out there. There are the people who you can admit and express your needs, sadness and loneliness to them and who won't run away and hate you for it. And then there are those who you cannot. You have to make sure all the time you are not coming across as needy and to pretend that you are never sad or lonely. I never saw it so clearly as I do now.

I am very glad I am one of the people in the prior group.

Soliel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 1:10pm

I guess my take on this is a little different.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 1:54pm

Exactly!!!

Perfect example. My dad's cousin lived with a woman for years since her divorce probably 20 years ago, we pretty much believe that Rita was her girlfriend but according to them they were best "friends" but whatever they did everything together, they owned a house together fine. So when my dad's cousin died last year of cancer, basically Rita was all alone, her parents had died years ago and she had nobody, was now our family just to write her off now because she was not really a "family member" she was just technically a "friend" of my dad's cousin. My mom calls her all the time and my family invites her to all the family functions just as they always would if Daph was still alive. People that do not have family, need to be welcomed into a new "family". You don't turn your back on people that don't have anyone you welcome them into a surrogate family.

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 1:58pm
Oh how I'd love to have a surrogate family. Not that mine is horrible but they aren't involved in my life and when holidays come around, I don't always have plans or ones that last longer than 2 hours.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 2:15pm
My family adopts everyone you can be a part of ours too if you want. but you'd have to drive up to NH. lol and our family can get CRAZY at the holidays our family parties are a riot...But I live in Southern NH (Manchester) so it wouldn't be far. LOL

Smile,

Deirdre

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