Is it better to ignore?

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Is it better to ignore?
10
Sat, 06-29-2013 - 9:13am

I know this has been discussed before about OLD. I'm of the opinion that if a man contacts you and you're not interested, it's better to just not respond. I hear men complain about this, and I know it's harder for men on dating sites. I know they contact many women and get few replies. And I feel bad for them, I do (well, most of them).

I heard from a guy who's actually younger than me, and we have a few slim things in common, but he's overweight. He's only posted one shot of head and shoulders, has a fat face, and admits to "a few extra pounds" and usually this translates into a gigantic gut when you meet them. If we had a lot in common and I felt like he were "my type" I think I could overlook the weight (maybe). I did meet a guy about four years ago who was overweight, and I admit, I wasn't sexually attracted although I liked him. We have dated casually these last four years and he actually lost the weight about two years ago, which was impressive. Alas, we're really not connecting on a deep enough level, so it's never progressed past casual dates. So there is the hope that a man could actually lose weight, but I'm also of the opinion that you should assume that what you see is what you get.

I haven't actually met anyone new in a while and I'll think, "FloridaGirl, you need to meet some guys." (The last time I did that I met Toothpick Man) So I consider answering the guy, but as yet have not. Having done this so long, my thought is, "Look, the guy is overweight and I'm just not attracted. What's the point?" But how do you reply to a guy's email saying, "I'm not interested because you are fat."? Seems harsh, doesn't it? Or do I reply, making up another reason? Do I use the canned match.com thanks but no thanks emails (I've never done that)? Or do I strike up an email exchange with him, hoping I will be so charmed by him that I'll not care about the weight? Or just ghost after a while if I don't want to meet?

I have replied "thanks but no thanks" in the past and have gotten some nastygrams back which is so disheartening. But I know that some guys say they really appreciate hearing back. 

You might be wondering, "Well why don't you contact some guys you are interested in?" Normally I don't do that, but I did contact some guys fairly recently. And guess what? Crickets. I'm not offended, I just take it to mean they aren't interested. Personally I don't want to get an email telling me I don't measure up physically.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Sat, 06-29-2013 - 9:51am

When I did OLD in the past, if the e-mail seemed canned or very brief, I would ignore it if I wasn't interested. If a guy put some effort into a long e-mail specific to me, I would feel compelled to reply. I would usually thank him for the nice comments and then say, Good luck in your search. I received those kinds of e-mails myself sometimes. It's hurtful and no way around it. I wouldn't say the real reason, that they were overweight or too short, etc. Once when I answered a man and said Good luck, he e-mailed back, "Why do you dismiss me so quickly without even getting to know me?" I then replied, "Everyone has a type who they are attracted to. I'm sorry, but you're just not my type." It makes it easier if a guy is too young, then you can say that you have a rule about not dating a guy more than 7 years younger, or whatever age you're putting in there. 

Since you haven't met anyone lately, I recommend also trying meetups.com. Also, go to Lowe's or Home Depot workshops, join a co-ed sports team, take a cooking class, volunteer for environmental cleanups or Habitat for Humanity. Cast your net wide to get a good catch. Foot in Mouth

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sat, 06-29-2013 - 10:26am

I'd just ignore. It's best not to get into an argument, and a lot of times they like to try to "convince" you of how great they are if you respond.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 06-29-2013 - 11:20am

Well of course it's rude to tell someone you're not physically attracted to them.  If the guy sounded nice and seemed to make a big effort to write something personal to you (more than the standard "hi") then maybe you could write back and say something nice to him, like thanks for writing but I don't feel we're a good match--I wouldn't give specific reasons.  Sometimes I have heard back from a guy and he said that he wasn't interested but did write something nice and it made me feel good about him and think he was a nice person for responding even though he wasn't interested.  I don't really take offense if someone doesn't write back at all cause I know that's just what most people do when they aren't interetsed.  Somehow I find the canned responses from match more offensive but I guess it prevents someone from waiting around & hoping, but it's like "wow, it took you only 5 minutes to click on that button."

You can never assume that someone is going to lose weight--I think that's rare.  I know I shouldn't be that judgmental cause I could certainly stand to lose some weight, but I guess there's a certain line.  I don't care if a guy is a little overweight.  I actually don't like guys who are too skinny.  But there's a point where the guy is huge and I don't think he could keep up with physical activity & I know I would want to see him naked, then that's too much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Sat, 06-29-2013 - 7:42pm

I ignore them to be honest with you.  If they are not my type and they only send a three word email, "hi. what's up."  then I delete and move on.  When I was doing OLD several years ago, there was one guy who just would not leave me alone.  I finally told him (nicely) that he just wasn't my type, seem like a nice guy, and good luck in your search.  He took it way too personally and blocked me lol.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Sat, 06-29-2013 - 9:57pm

Me too.  It is so not worth all of the acrimony.  I have had some hideous sentiments sent my way by men I have never met.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Tue, 07-02-2013 - 7:45am

Since you haven't met anyone lately, I recommend also trying meetups.com. Also, go to Lowe's or Home Depot workshops, join a co-ed sports team, take a cooking class, volunteer for environmental cleanups or Habitat for Humanity. Cast your net wide to get a good catch. 

@Safire1023: I know you're trying to be helpful and I appreciate it, but if I had a dollar for every time I'd heard this advice, I could retire. I am a member of four meetup groups right now (in fact, I started one of them); I'm quite handy around my house and so have been to Home Depot and Lowes many, many times. I've never taken a workshop, but honestly, has anyone in the history of dating met a man at Home Depot? It's true you could of course, but you could meet men anywhere, not just a place where lots of men go. When I go to Home Depot, I observe lots of suburban dads dashing in to buy a lawnmower filter. And husbands and wives with a cart full of kids picking out tile.

Most volunteer things I have been to have been 80% women. Same with cooking classes. And, I don't really like to play sports.

I get the concept of casting a wide net, but honestly, you can waste a lot of energy fishing in the wrong places and you can try too hard. I think that all you can really do, other than online dating, is to live your life and take part in things that are meaningful to you.

I don't know how old you are, but I am 58 and my pool of men is more like a kiddie wading pool. It's just a lot harder to find available, desirable men, period. And unfortunately, my most reliable source for meeting men has been OLD. It has its flaws, but you do meet men. And of course, you have to go out and be social, not just rely on OLD, which I do.

Avatar for slah54
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2012
Tue, 07-02-2013 - 11:12am

Here's a laugh for you.  

Last summer, my brother was renovating my bathroom for me.  We went to the hardware store to pick up some drywall.  I was dressed nicely, having come from work, and my brother was in torn sweats and t-shirt as he'd been working in my bathroom.  As my brother was loading the stuff into my van, a man stopped and started talking to me in the parking lot.  He wanted to make sure I had the right type of drywall, and started telling me all about the improvements he'd made in his own home.  I even discovered he was divorced.  My brother was in the car, laughing his head off, as this guy was trying to pick me up in the parking lot!  

Just goes to show you, you can meet men anywhere, and just when you least expect it!  (I am 55 by the way.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Wed, 07-03-2013 - 9:29pm

So,are you dating him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Wed, 07-03-2013 - 9:29pm

Agreed.

Avatar for slah54
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2012
Wed, 07-03-2013 - 10:40pm

No - I am not looking.  I just thought it was funny that another poster had mentioned Home Depot and this was my experience one of the few times I went to a store like that.