It must be nice to have someone to rely on

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
It must be nice to have someone to rely on
13
Mon, 10-28-2013 - 11:26am

I was chatting with my cousin this weekend--she is the same age I am but she has been married since 1980.  One of her DDs is having the first grandchildren (twins) in 8 weeks, so my cousin said that she quit her job, which she didn't like, and she is going to stay out of work for a while to help her DD w/ the babies.  I am thinking that I really am hating my job right now but of course can't quit since otherwise I would have no money.  It's very scary sometimes being totally responsible to support myself.  Even when I was married to 2nd DH, he had an injury at work & was receiving worker's comp but he never would have been able to support himself & his DD on worker's comp and w/o me.  Lucky him.  I did lose my job one time when I was married to 1st DH but of course had to go right out & look for a job since I actually made more than my DH.  For a while there I had 3 part time jobs.  I have never been able to rely on someone else.  Another friend of mine was joking about trying to find a new DH so she wouldnt' have to work and actually that thought never crossed my mind since all the time I was married, I always had to work.  I didn't mind that but it would be nice to have that 2nd income.

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Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 10-28-2013 - 1:01pm

I often hear single women say this. In a way, it's not even about having someone else's money, but of having their moral support in lean times. There's nothing quite like the fear of not having enough money--it begins to take over all of your thoughts. Since I'm self-employed, I go through both lean and flush times. Things have been on the lean side for me the last two years, and fortunately right now they are on the upswing. 

I'm lucky in that I have my parents who have resources (but not wealthy) and my older sister who has money. They would both lend it to me if I needed it, but I have never really needed it. But it's nice to know. I have also been saving money for a really long time and am not in debt, so that really helps. But still. I do worry about getting older and not having enough money. What if I couldn't work at all? I don't have disability insurance, but shold. And the ultimate scary thing for me is being old with health issues and no one to help me. 

I was only married four years and never stopped working, so I've been taking care of myself for a long time. But oh, wouldn't it be nice to have someone to lean on (in all kinds of ways)?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 10-28-2013 - 2:35pm

I did go out & buy disability insurance and even though I can't afford the monthly payment I dont' want to cancel it because of that.  You can only get Social Security disability if you are unable to work for a year--and you also have to be unable to work in any occupation.  So if I could work in a minimum wage job, it would disqualify me for SSD but I still couldn't pay my bills.  If you get private disability ins, then as long as you can't work in your current occupation, they will pay you.  I also wish I worked in a large company where you can get all these kind of benefits.  My 2nd exH actually made a low wage when he first started the job he has now but he worked for a bigger company, so through him we got health ins., and he also got life ins, disability ins, 401K, etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Mon, 10-28-2013 - 4:54pm

Well forget the money but yes it would be nice to have someone in lean times which for me have been now for years... LOL

I do think though its nicer to have someone more for moral support and to be there when times are tough. Right now my mom who is 90 is back in rehab.. She has seizures now and a woman whom I had come to know and ran some meet up groups I attended just died last night at the age of 53 from cancer..

I take solace when I get down in that I have my sister and brother and some friends and my son and his gfriend and my cousins  but yes It would be nice to have someone to share in the good and bad times..................................................................

Just know that you are really never alone and that if you do have family and children and sisters and brothers and aunts and uncles and cousins around you.. You will surprised at the people you really come in contact with and might be there for you if you need them..................................

try not be so negative and not think so much of the future because there is no future.. Most people live for tomorrow but we should really be living for today..and whatever we seize for the day... Money will mean nothing when we are faced with other things.plus we need to take care of ourselves the best we can and the Universe takes care of the rest.. Dont fret so much about what you dont have and be greatful for what you do have like a job, house, friends, family and the abundance out there..

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Mon, 10-28-2013 - 5:22pm
I have always only relied on myself, and I think I like that better than relying on someone lse. I do have family who would never let me be homeless or hungry, but in reality, I am more likely to be the one bailing someone out than the other way around. There are some safety nets with unemployment and social security but I think the advice to build up a six month emergency fund is also a good plan. And insurance.
Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Mon, 10-28-2013 - 7:51pm
Do you ever wonder if our lack of dependence is what keeps us single? I wonder about that sometimes. Men like to be the rescuers. If we don't need rescued, they may feel pointless.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 10-28-2013 - 8:29pm

I am very grateful for the non material things that I do have, like good kids, a loving family, good health, etc.  I might hate my job right now but it's better than not having a job.  I try to focus on the positive.  But it's really more the money thing that I am talking about.  As one of my friends said, she was talking about the qualities that she would like to have in a BF and she said "hopefully he has a good job so he can buy me dinner sometimes."  My ex & I were talking about child support one time and he said something about the fact that we both make about the same amount of money.  I tried to point out to him that was true, but his DW has a very good job--so that means that, unlike me, he is not paying 100% of all household expenses.  We have the same income, but he has 1/2 or less of the expenses, so it's like he makes a lot more money.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 10-28-2013 - 8:31pm

Right now I can't build up any kind of emergency fund because I can barely meet my current expenses.  I have cut down on things, take my lunch to work instead of buying, raised the deductable on my car insurance, even canceled the newspaper.  My income kind of fluctuates so maybe 2 yrs ago, things were great, but now it's less and I really can't afford to live on what I make.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 10-28-2013 - 8:36pm

No I really don't.  I'm sure there is a certain group of men who like to be the rescuers, but not all.  I think a lot of men would prefer a woman who has her own job and income and wouldn't be totally dependent on them--just look at OLD profiles and that seems to be a theme, esp. among men who maybe got divorced & taken to the cleaners.  I think there are certain women who are so used to being independent that they are emotionally closed off too, like they wouldn't think of asking a man for help.  They have the attitude of "I can do it all myself."  I don't think that's very attractive.  I'm not talking about just money.  I wouldn't necessarily go around asking a BF for money, but I remember when I was dating my 2nd DH I bought a new washing machine & didn't realize after they dropped it off that I couldn't just plug it in & go--some kind of wire had to be connected, which of course I didn't know how to do.  I was so happy that he was able to do that.  So just because I have a job & own a house doesn't mean that I would never need a guy's help with something.  And of course we need them for sex!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Mon, 10-28-2013 - 10:18pm

I think Shy you are right.. Men do like women who are somewhat dependent because I see it all the time with couples..Most of the women who are with a man came across dependent.. Its just that we cant help being independent because we have to being alone and not having anyone else to rely on.. Trust me I would become dependent soon enough if someone came along and wanted to help or take care of me or whatever.. Well I guess we would take care of each other...

As far as the money thing again there are no guarantees that the guy that comes along will share his  money or help out with money or whatever.. He could be the nicest guy on the planet but paying his ex wives out and child support and all of that..So there might not be any dinners or going out or things like that if the guy has limited funds....

I personally dont care much about money at this point and the over 50 coowd here really has to lower their expectations a bit.. I am saying date a serial killer or a bum but lets face it we arent perfect nor rich nor gorgeous.. Well I dont think we are...

So Music if a nice guy who was decent  and good looking and had some great qualities came along and wanted to take you out but he could only afford Burger King or a night over your house with sandwiches would you date him??

If we dont lower our expectations and I know how much you guys hate that but if we dont expect to be alone for the rest of life..

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 10-28-2013 - 10:51pm

Right about now I am not holding out for a guy with money.  The most important thing to me is how the guy treats me so I'd certainly rather have a nice guy with limited funds than a well off guy who is a jerk.  Of course personality and looks matter too--all of those matter more than money.  Remember the guy I met this summer at salsa dancing?  Even though he's a lawyer, he doesn't seem to work all that much so I could imagine that funds are low there.  After I found out that at least he owned a car, I was relieved about that, although since he lives in the city, most of the time I think he takes public transportation or rides his bike. But knowing that I still wanted to go out with him even though he doesn't own a house & now has student loans.

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