Is it ok to feel this way? Am I normal?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2005
Is it ok to feel this way? Am I normal?
11
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 5:48pm
I have been single from an abusive and manipulative relationship for the past 3 months and 3 weeks. It was a terrible relationship in which lasted 1 year and 8 months. I have not dated any men or anything, because I felt the most healthy thing for me was to concentrate on going to therapy and healing from a broken heart and an abusive ass that I went out with. I have not dated or really even put myself out there to begin dating since I was still hurt and emotionally attached to the wrong man. Now recently I met a personal trainer at my gym and he seemed very outgoing and handsome. We spoke but then he started to give me this impression that he was pretty cocky. For example, we had just met at the gym and 20 minuts later he was asking me to go out and eat with him...ok that seems innocent i guess. But then he would tell me little remarks like, "are you always like this!!" and I replied with what? and he goes, "always like falling assleep" I replied, I'm real mellow and I'm tired from working out for a whole hour. And then he calls me a "baby" and kinda gives me the impression he's cocky and perhaps puts woman down to make himself superior. I am not sure. I mean, these are little clues from the first time I met him, but I am not sure if he would be good to date. I told my brother he seemed pretty annoying and pushy, and he stated that "my personal trainer" crush was a man who thought highly of himself and didn't belive in trying too hard to get woman in bed. I don't know if I should continue talking to this man. I am not looking for anything serious but I am also not willing to sleep with a man who will perhaps later degrade me in any way. I am not sure if I should jump back in the pool and date again or give myself more time. If anyone has suggestions on this, tell me please! thank you much :)
love,
sandra

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 6:05pm

Well you just got out of an abusive relationship. Learn from that experience and if you're seeing all these red flags now, best to just let him go. If he's not behaving in a manner suitable to you, then trust your gut.

There is no timeline for getting back into dating but to do it when you feel you have healed from your past relationship. Good luck! :)

Rubyshoes

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Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 10:05pm

Trust your instincts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 11:29pm
Listen to these other two posts. Red flags are red flags and they don't turn green just because someone buys dinner. Part of your recovery and learning from your last relationship is going to be your ability to see these red flags and not ignore them. Trust your instincts, they sound pretty right-on to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 9:05am

I agree that all of the other posts are good advice.

To the OP: If you are seeing a therapist, it might help to discuss your confused feelings with that person who should have a special insight. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 12:49pm

Hi sandra,
I basically live at the gym so I can offer quite a bit of insight..., on the Personal Trainer issue; although some of these guys are normal enough, most of the ones I've met treat each new client as a possible relationship or piece of azz..., this really makes me sick because 1) that woman is a CLIENT and should be treated as such, and 2) that woman is looking to them to acheive a goal in her life and that should be the focus of the interaction..., not sexual connection.

You know..., if you accidentally meet at the coffee bar after working out and have a pleasant convo, then by all means he should date her..., but as with all other matters a trainer would be better off to transfer you to another PT due to his love interest in you.

Finally there is the muscle head factor..., where a lot of these guys just have way too high an ego from all the testosterone..., you only need talk to them to find out. The signs are; cockiness..., personal jabs at you..., agressive tendancies...,

This guy has all the signs..., keep your relationship with him businesslike and focus on your goals and not his.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 1:58pm
I completely agree! Sandra, you are perfectly normal.


Edited 1/5/2006 1:59 pm ET by hal_9000
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2005
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 3:15pm

Sandra,

My advice. When you see a snake crossing the road run for the hills.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2005
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 6:42pm
light a candle , sit down in your own space and meditate.
i would have to say...RUN, SANDI, RUN...
instead of hangin out where this guy is attempting to be your saving grace..take up running. or walking outdoors. I am from a patterned abuse lifestyle from the time i was say 15. my high school bf was a bully and boy i am glad i never stayed with him...even tho we were togetherin hs till i was a sophomore. I ended up married to a college mate of mine who beat the crap out of me in places no one could see and to this day he wont come clean and admit he physically hurt me. but he did admit the verbal, emotional,mental and sexual stuff. Then if that wasnt enough torture for me ...i thought i had a great bf after a while of being divorced. Turned out he got protectively possessive of my every move after someone else raped me. I left him a long time ago.
honey...stay single as long as you can...that is where i went wrong..i look back and in retrospect i wish i had stayed single longer than i did ....i divorced my mate about 97..reunited with him a year later and two years later send him packing because he started his patterns all over again. not even 3 months after tossing him out i started dating another guy who was a gem for at least 2 years...then i moved in under the same roof with him...6 months later i knew i made a mistake and it took me 3 years from that point to permanently leave him and it took my being raped by some stranger to really change my perspectives of life and of men. No, i am not gonna date women,ewwwwww, not my cup of tea to become a lesbian. I am taking my time now, with therapy and my children from my marriage. ME...is top priority: to heal properly and on my own terms.
Yes, i do talk to men, in fact i am sitting next to a guy right now. i am accessing the net from the library. He is really cool, we talk everytime we are in the library and thats about it. Do i think something more will come of it? No, i have no intention of that happening. I have another male friend who i see once in a while when i am in town and we too talk a bit and i leave it at that even though he has been forward with me and hsa told me he would like to bed me(not in those words...he was more polite in his expression of it) and i made it clear to him the answer is NO...and we still communicate at least 3 times a week.
Sandi..U are normal. Just give your body and mind time to adjust to being single. Find God everywhere u can, anyway u can. Let his hand guide you..not your hormones. its been 6 months since i have had sex and i still am normal. I enjoy my life and when the time is right i will know.
Good luck and God Bless.
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 10:45am

What a great opportunity to practice what you learned. You have noticed "little" things about him that you probably would not have noticed or paid attention to in your last relationship. What great way of learning and growing.

The trainer's behavior toward you is enough for you to check out and validate your feelings with us here on iVillage. Good for you. My take on it is to TRUST yourself on this and act accordingly, whether to move on or continue to talk with him and practice standing up for yourself. This is a safe way to practice since you are not in a relationship with him.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 10:50am
not with this jerk for sure! Take a break from dating..it is ok.I am taking a break..for about a year now!And i am happy!

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