Is it time for a moratorium on love?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Is it time for a moratorium on love?
8
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 4:40pm
I really enjoy this board; I think it highlights a lot of what we as single people face in our everyday lives, and what we anticipate as a lot of us remain single for extended periods of time, if not forever.

Having said that, and b/c we seem to feel that there ARE other things besides love and r'ships in our lives, why don't we devote at least 1 day each week ON THIS BOARD to things in our lives BESIDES r'ships? Since we seem to feel so strongly that it's NOT all about finding and/or being w/The One, maybe we should take our minds off the subject COMPLETELY for just 1 day each week. Perhaps doing so will help all of us truly shift our focus onto things that really matter in our individual lives.

This idea came to me when I replied to Shywon's angst about the "Joe" saga. Maybe, by looking at things OTHER THAN "Joe" or "Harry" or whoever, we might be better able to see how great things are and how we should appreciate them more (or, conversely, how rotten things really are, in which case it's time to change and improve things for ourselves as individuals).

I say this b/c I've also come to see that, post-divorce, my life has actually taken a turn for the better, MUCH better; I just had to get my head out of that brown paper bag to see it. I mightn't have the Great Love I thought I had, but that doesn't mean that life isn't pretty terrific w/out it--and that love comes in all forms; I really appreciate the mute yet genuine affection from my cats now, and I take a real delight in their quiet companionship. There really ARE worse things than being single and/or alone...

Anyway, thought I'd share that for everyone's consideration...

Ash


Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 5:56pm
Ash, I think the reason we talk about being single so much is that is the ONE thing we all have in common. I could tell you about school- the boy I think is autistic, the girl who is 8 and I think is about to start her period, winning our volleyball game last night, etc., but the only person who really relates to that is Pooh b/c she's also a teacher.

I've mentioned master's classes, school, family, etc. many times here, but what happens is no one responds then I feel unwanted (yes, I'm admitting it- it matters to me if I get replies!). No one can relate, so no one adds anything.

I understand your thinking- we all need other things in our lives, and I think we all DO have other things in our lives. We just come here to relate to other singles, b/c a lot of us are surrounded by others who aren't single.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 6:05pm
Hello Ash,

I am new to this board and I enjoy reading everyone's

posts.

I definitely understand where you are coming from and

just today I was thinking about myself and how getting

married isn't important to me but it is to many many

women.

I think it's great that we all feel differently about

love and marriage but I also feel that past experience

plays a big toll on many of us.

Babies are a joy and I would love to have one naturally

but can't for unfortunate reasons. However, I would be

just as happy to adopt a beautiful baby girl or boy. My

biggest concern is that I'm not married and have no intention

of gettting married. I love my single life at 36 years of age.

Never married, engaged too many times, in and out of long and

short relationships with men, but my main focus has always been

on myself and what I am doing with my life.

It's important to remember that no matter what happens you

will always be with you. Love yourself more than any man that

comes along.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 10:45am
Somehow I think my point was missed.

I think a moratorium would take all of us OUT of OURselves; there's a big world w/a lot of people and things and issues happening, and it doesn't HAVE to be ALL about ourselves. I'm not talking about discussing jobs, or volunteer work, things that once again are just about ourselves and how that activity affects US.

There's a war going on, after all (no matter what our President says); there are people in this country who are starving and homeless, here in the wealthiest country mankind has ever known, et al.

What I'm getting at is, there IS a world out there, and by focusing on IT, instead of lamenting about "where can I find a man"--I think it's too easy to get caught up in that bemoaning than if we got out of ourselves and thereby becoming more whole unto ourselves. As I posted elsewhere on this board, the pool of eligible and worthwhile men does decline w/the passage of time, and many of what's out there right now aren't worth having (they're alone for a reason, after all). A lot of us (probably myself) may NOT indeed find The One--so why not make OURSELVES The One, if only for a day on this board?

Possible topics could be: what do we plan for our futures (BESIDES marriage and kids); what are we doing to reach that goal; who's our most influential role model; what have we done to BE a role model ourselves, etc.

But I think it's time we ALL stopped thinking--sometimes I think it borders on obsessing--about how we're going to find that "knight on the white horse." All of us individually ARE our own white knights! And if we shifted our focus just a little, and by refusing for 1 day to bemoan our status of "Miss" and talk/post about the things that REALLY matter, we might elevate our thinking into the realm of being a really well-rounded, informed and pretty worthwhile person unto ourselves--and being really and truly OK, no matter what (or who) happens.

Ash

Avatar for schnappsers
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 10:53am
I understand your point, but I think many people visit this board because it is about "the single life". And, as Shy pointed out, being single is really the only thing that we all have in common.

If we try to focus, even for only one day each week, on some of the other topics you mentioned, a lot of people will lose interest in the board. Besides, there are other forums in which to discuss those topics, if we so choose.

I think it's a mistake to assume that we all need to "elevate our thinking", since you really have no idea what most of us discuss or do outside the context of this board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 11:32am
I think it's a bad idea to put that sort of limitation on what people want to post about. I have a successful career, great friends, rewarding volunteer work, lovely parents and sister and nieces and nephew - but the reality is that I am 37, still hope to have a child in the context of a happy marriage and therefore that must be my number one priority - and to hide that fact or pretend it isn't (other than when I'm at work) is dishonest.

For example, a 33 year old man called me today from an online dating site - I thought he sounded great and I decided to take a very direct approach - I told him that he could just as easily date a 28 year old but I am 37 and I don't have years to decide whether to marry a particular person - he said he was on the same wavelength as me and ready to settle down and seemed to appreciate my directness especially when I said that while I look 27, my ovaries do not. If marriage/family were not my top priority I would meet this seemingly nice guy for brunch and just "see where it leads me" - but that is not my reality.

Having said all that I think our CL does a fabulous job at injecting variety into this board!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 2:45pm
I post on other boards on those topics. This board is for topics relating to being single. To the extent that the topics you propose relate to being single, I think you should post them, no matter what day it is!!!

And like Schnappers, I think it's presumptuous to assume that we don't have other aspects to our lives besides being single, just because we post on that topic on this board.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 3:47pm
Sheri, it's just that, if there ARE other topics besides finding love and marriage w/the right man, those topics never seem to surface BUT for those.

I'm simply trying to steer conversations onto "The Single LIFE." Maybe I feel that way b/c it took a bad marriage to show me what a really good life I had, single--and that that life shouldn't be so taken for granted while it's still extant. Then, perhaps by seeing it in its proper context, it's a way of broadening (not elevating--perhaps a bad choice of words) our perspective of singlehood. I see so many posts from what appear to be intelligent, perceptive, accomplished women, who seem to bemoan their fate and think the "white knight" is out there--when THEY are their own white knight. We shouldn't be in a state of "waiting to get" or "not waiting to get"--we are "getting" RIGHT NOW, w/or w/out a man, now or ever.

Thank God I was able to come back to my own good single life, a little older and hopefully wiser, if somewhat sadder (and somewhat poorer for the experience; divorce cost me more than it did XH). But $$ you can always get back; time you can never regain.

Ash

Avatar for schnappsers
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 3:56pm
I disagree...other topics do surface, but lately it seems there have been a lot of new people around and their first instinct is to post about dating, because that's why they came to the site in the first place. Those of us who have been around for a while post about other topics occasionally, but since we are in the minority here, it may be easy to overlook those posts.