Is it ultimately just about...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2005
Is it ultimately just about...
4
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 3:14pm

deciding to love the one you are with?

I posted this in another post:
"And regardless, is this how I'd feel after being in ANY relationship for 9 years!?!?! Even if I meet HIM tomorrow and everything is how I'd ALWAYS envisioned... do I honestly believe it will stay like that forever!? After 9 years, will his "appeal" wear off and I'll be RIGHT BACK HERE!?!?!? How can ANYONE base the rest of their life on what they initially feel with someone? Even after giving it a year or so!?!?! Seems like I'd need to date a guy for 9 years or something just to see if the feeling stays or if it fades to this again!??!"

Do you think anyone who still has a good marriage after say 10 years - isn't necessarily still "IN LOVE" but has learned to love what they have and feel content that there just isn't anything better out there!?

People have said to me "you just know" when you're with the right person... these are the same people that are now divorced and I often wonder... is it really a matter of convincing oneself?

Anyone have any thoughts or is this just too deep!? LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 3:42pm
Good question. I have no idea since I have never been with one guy for 9 years but I have been in relationships for 4 or 5 years. I think no matter if you think you've found one of the ones for you and things seems so perfect to begin with, the chemistry will always fade after awhile but i hear in healthy relationships both partners discover new things about each other to recreate that chemistry and a stronger bond and a stronger love grows in place of the fading chemistry. But you must have 2 ready, mature and willing people to be able to keep a healthy relationship going for years and years. Those feelings will fade no matter how perfect it is but it really is a concsious effort on both peoples parts to work at it to recreate those butterfly feelings again. Granted I've never been married but I've talked to people in healthy marriages, read articles, have read posts on boards and gathered enough info on relationships to think that I might know what's going on. If you really love someone and you made a commitment to that person it is a choice to stay with that person through thick and thin even if that person lets you down because we are all human and our partners will let us down from time to time. I just never found anyone that fit me well enough yet that i felt like I wanted to stick with that person through all the ups and downs and some men i"ve dated probably didn't think I was the one for them either or else we would still be together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 6:21am

You are asking a good question, which I think pre-tv/movies wouldn't have been as relevant 100 years ago. TV/movies sell us on the idea of finding a "soulmate" and the "in-love" chemistry will last forever. And that is just so not true.

The "in-love" chemical reaction to another is the body's physiological response and has been a natural instinct for thousands of years... the body doesn't change as quickly as society's expectations.

I believe finding a soulmate is a combination of short-term selection and long-term choice. Absolutely, at the beginning of a relationship (0 - x years), you have to know what works for you and what doesn't. If you are looking for a leader and he is a follower... probably won't work.

Long-term, when the chemistry burns off, there has to be a person left who you relate to, who you consider to be a very good friend, who you are proud to be with. It is also a matter of choice to accept a person for all that they are. The good with the bad, the compatible with the incompatible, and I think the marriage vows say something like that.

Compromise is sooo advocated in our society, but agreeing to disagree is entirely acceptable. If both people in a relationship have exactly the same beliefs, preferences, quirks, then one is redundant. I mean really... how boring would it be to live only with yourself for the rest of your life??!!!!

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 5:46pm

Like someone else said, I think movies and TV depict a very hard example to live up to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 8:04pm

An additional thought and this is totally my opinion... I haven't read this anywhere.

I think getting married because "I love him/her soooooo much" is a poor basis for getting married. Love is an emotion and emotions are not stable enough to be a solid foundation for a marriage.

The foundation of a marriage needs to be shared values, compatible goals, compatible lifestyle choices, good communication skills.... things along those lines. And when you find a partner who you share these things with, love blooms, but marry him/her based on the things shared, not love itself.

Again, this is all just my opinion, but I've been married twice, have two kids and am going to do it right the next time, so I think about this stuff and talk about it a lot. :D