Is this it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Is this it?
25
Sun, 01-13-2013 - 7:23pm

Tell me if I asking for too much.

My bf broke up with me last Feb b/c we had a long expanding drift over his money situation. He's 60 yo, has no savings, still working as hard as ever (as a solo practioner attorney)  for not very much money. At the time was in danger of losing his house bought at the peak 2007.

Shortly after we broke up, I met Mr. Belgium. We corresponded 5 months. I visited him last September and clearly this wasn't going to work. I was so exhausted after this experience. After this I thought about my ex bf and felt well, maybe he's not so bad. At least he's kind. I came back to my bf. He told me besides the unexpected mortgage remod (so now is able to keep the house), his view about money hasn't changed so why did I want to get back together. I told him how I felt, that I realized  he's a kind person and we could manage. At that time, he was seeing an old gf of his which I don't think was serious for either of them. Anyway, he stopped seeing her and we're back together again.

Now, I'm starting to feel again maybe this isn't the best I could have. Don't know. Maybe I could still meet someone just as kind, w/o as much baggage, who's more financially stable.  OTOH, while he has a career that has been supporting him in the past 30+ yrs, he makes enough to support himself and his obligations. Why not enjoy the R/S as it is?

How does one know?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Mon, 01-14-2013 - 3:39pm

CFK.. I keep thinking about this and after I read the resonses I am feeling more confused about it (lol)

I guess what I am saying is that I speak from the voice of experience in all matters of the heart and money.. When I was married to my exH we had money and a nice house and vacations and cars and it was very nice.. Only thing he was a NUT case and abusive.. So I knew that I was going to struggle again when I divorced him but I wasnt thinking of that at the time.. All I was thinking was I want out of this and I will hope for the best.. I have stated in previous posts that I do miss that lifestyle but fast forward to now and if I met a man who was healthy and had money that would be icing on the cake and that would be great.. Atleast I wouldnt have to pay for him nor support him hopefully ...

Now lets say I met a guy who was so nice and all but had limited funds I would probably date him also and as long as he didnt rely on  me for money it would be okay I guess. I wouldnt want to be the one to support both of us or even him..but if he didnt have savings or retirement and just had some income I think that would be okay with me .. Not sure but I would hope that money wouldnt come in the way of liking someone.. I mean how much longer is our lifespan anyway at my age .. I would be happy just to have someone to go on a picnic with. (ha ha)or maybe that is how I feel today because I am alone and lonely.. I will let you know when I meet a poor guy who has nothing..

Awwwww.. Yes; my friend is lucky eh!! I even bought a whole meal once to make pot roast and stew because he wanted a low fat meal. So I bought all of the indredients with my own money and made the whole stew thing.. and he even took some of the leftovers home..but I am creative so I enjoyed the new recipe and enjoyed cooking it.. It was  night when sis wasnt going to be home so I had the kitchen to myself and it was fun .. So when N came over we had the meal and watched a sci fi movie and it was fun.. It works both ways I guess.

lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 01-14-2013 - 7:03pm

Considering the guy is 60, do you think he'll want kids?  But I do agree that kids are expensive.  My ex has a really nice never married friend who is an architect.  He'd buy everybody else's kids (even mine who he didn't know that long) nice presents for Christmas, so one of my kids asked "Is uncle Scott rich?"  I said "He never had kids--that's why he has money."  lol

But I also think that there is some kind of sexism going on--if a man has a nice career and makes a lot of money, usually he doesn't want to reject a woman who has a job but doesn't make that much because men are socialized to support the family, but if a woman makes a lot of money, she might reject a guy who makes less than her even if he's a hard worker and otherwise decent because she doesn't want to support him--but in that case, if they are younger, why can't she work & have him stay home & take care of the kids?  There are situations like that even if they are unusual.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
Tue, 01-15-2013 - 9:47am
The thing that strikes me in all of this, is the way you both just float along. He has 30 years in a career no money, no savings, probably will have to work the rest of his life. Apparently no problem for him. You both drift apart and it ends. No problem for him - he goes back to the ex...but oops, you're back - no problem, dump the ex, go back to you. This guy sounds like a blade of grass who goes toward whatever direction the wind blows.
 
You're with him, drift apart for a concrete reason, have an email thing with some stranger from another country, that amazingly doesn't work out, and now you're back wondering about Non Money Guy as if now that's probably no longer any kind of a problem although it wasn't long ago is was enough to end things with him.
 
No advice, no comment, just kind of a bit amazed by the lack of passion to any of this, I'm a guy who takes both my finances/investments and relationships very seriously. It's interesting to see a different perspective and lifestyle with these things.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2006
Tue, 01-15-2013 - 9:48am

@ White Satin - sorry but in my opinion yes, you are absolutely asking for too much

@ Shywon - * He doesn't want anything serious and I wonder if his financials are why* - sorry but in my opinion and experience it has nothing to do with his finances but all to do with the *he is just not that into you*..

Best of luck for you both.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Tue, 01-15-2013 - 11:22am

Okay everyone.. Hold the phones. (do they still say that?)
I just read JT response to this and hey everyone do you see how differently a man's emotions and thoughts are so different than a woman.. Most of us women responded with a type of emotional component to our message. Like awwwwwwwwwww just stay with him because he isnt so bad blah blah blah but JT responded with the exact point on what is going on here. So you see how women and men just as we always knew think way different from each other..

JT..I would hope that people took their relationships and finances seriously but we all befall on things we have no control over. Now we do make choices and yes I suffer now because I made some doozies .. Some things are a choice and some are bad luck or unforseen circumstances and life.. Now i have no idea what happened to Satins guy in life or he is just bad with money.. Lets say he had to pay alimony and child support or he had medical issues and he has limited funds because of that.. Or does he just throw his money away and spend foolishly..
I keep saying its the value of the person as you have stated JT......... Not the money ...........................I would date a man treated me well but he had no money because he became upon hard times as I have and going on a picnic would be fine with me.. I dont need to be wined and dined.. nor do material things mean that  much to me.. Now if the guy had money and he threw it away on things that didnt matter that would bother me..

As far as women well the guy is 60 and maybe got lonely so he reached back out to his exgfriend.. There could have been a reason for it.. At times I reached out to by crazy exHusband because there was no one to rely on and I needed someone to talk to or go to lunch with because yes I was an emotional mess at the time.. thank goodness that is over but at the time it was what was okay in the moment..

Lie is n ot all cookie cutter and roses and to discard someone because of circumstances or bad choices in this time where its hard to find someone to me doesnt seem like a great idea.

JMHO

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Tue, 01-15-2013 - 11:25am

I meant life life is not all cookie cutter.

Shy.. I would have to agree with Rocklady sadly.. The guy doesnt seem all that into you.. MOney wouldnt matter if someone really liked someone. Sorry.. but that is how I see it also..

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Tue, 01-15-2013 - 10:56pm

Yes, I’m drifting along without passion. This is the confusing thing. Is this the right person and I need to be more passionate about or the lack of passion means it’s not the right one?

At every stage in my love life, what I get is always less than what I want. With age, it seems the choices have gotten less desirable and I’ve lowered my standards over the years and no matter what the standards are, I can’t get someone that meet them. For instance, when I was younger, I had opportunities with guys who were on the right track and since we were both younger and starting life, no baggage as well. However back then I not only wanted smart and financially-on-track, I also wanted good looking. Now at this ripe old age of 46, I realized I’ve never been that good looking myself and settle for smart and financially stable (not rich b/c most rich men are jerks anyway).  With this guy can only get smart. Please note I haven’t mentioned kindness because I always date kind guys. If he’s not kind then we don’t even get to the point where I would wonder about all these things.

You’re right too that I’m settling. Since we’ve gotten back together, I’ve given up on having a life together. Since we really don’t see eye to eye on the money issue, we can’t marry. He’s not good with helping around the house either but it’s nice to have a man who’s ready to help me should I need someone to help move things around or do very small things around the house.  For a long time now, I’m not so interested in him sexually . I think it’s because I don’t feel psychologically connected.  At this time he’s a fun companion. I enjoy having dinners and good conversations over a glass of wine, do things with around town, talking about things I’m doing in my life, ect… And someday, God forbids, should one of us has a crisis, the other person would be around.

 So the question I have for myself is: should I give up on the dream of being married and should just be happy with a life companion?  Should I change my idea of what a good relationship should be. Is it settling or is it changing perspective to be happy with one has?

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 01-15-2013 - 11:03pm

  Just look to your own career and money.  What he has or does not have is not then an issue. 

chaika

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Wed, 01-16-2013 - 8:26am
Actually, Free, you are both very wrong. I'd probably think that too if I didn't know the whole story. Which I'm not willing to share here because someone- someone I've asked repeatedly NOT to respond to me- insists on judging my every move. He is definitely "into" me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Wed, 01-16-2013 - 9:20am

Okay Shy then Good Luck with it and I dont blame you for not posting about it as yes we do know the person who judges every move..