Is this it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Is this it?
25
Sun, 01-13-2013 - 7:23pm

Tell me if I asking for too much.

My bf broke up with me last Feb b/c we had a long expanding drift over his money situation. He's 60 yo, has no savings, still working as hard as ever (as a solo practioner attorney)  for not very much money. At the time was in danger of losing his house bought at the peak 2007.

Shortly after we broke up, I met Mr. Belgium. We corresponded 5 months. I visited him last September and clearly this wasn't going to work. I was so exhausted after this experience. After this I thought about my ex bf and felt well, maybe he's not so bad. At least he's kind. I came back to my bf. He told me besides the unexpected mortgage remod (so now is able to keep the house), his view about money hasn't changed so why did I want to get back together. I told him how I felt, that I realized  he's a kind person and we could manage. At that time, he was seeing an old gf of his which I don't think was serious for either of them. Anyway, he stopped seeing her and we're back together again.

Now, I'm starting to feel again maybe this isn't the best I could have. Don't know. Maybe I could still meet someone just as kind, w/o as much baggage, who's more financially stable.  OTOH, while he has a career that has been supporting him in the past 30+ yrs, he makes enough to support himself and his obligations. Why not enjoy the R/S as it is?

How does one know?

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Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sun, 01-13-2013 - 8:17pm

I don't think anyone get's any guarantee's in love.  Hence the saying, love is a gamble, I suppose.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 01-13-2013 - 8:24pm

When I was reading your 1st para, I thought you were talking about the male version of me--I'm an attorney in a small firm, 55 yrs old and barely making enough money to make ends meet.  I don't remember that much about this guy, but I am in this situation basically because of being a divorced mother--when I got divorced, my kids were little and I couldn't take a job where I'd have to work the long hours that a job making the big money would require (if I could have gotten that--who knows?) and now I'm looking for another job.  I'd hate to think that someone would discount me as a partner cause I don't make a ton of money and not consider my other good qualities, which are many.  I do think that having vastly different views of money can cause a lot of problems in a relationship though--like if one person was a very careful saver and the other person wanted to blow all their money on fun stuff and never save, that would cause a lot of conflict.  I do suggest if you stay with this guy not to ever combine your money so that his lack of money will not become your problem.

So leaving aside the money stuff for now, are his other good qualities enough to make up for the lack of money?  You could get a rich guy who is a complete jerk too.  What about companionship, common interests, someone who could take care of you in other ways, like maybe fixing things around the house, helping you out with things that need to be done, taking care of you when you're sick?  Are you physically attracted to him and do you have a good sex life?  I don't think anyone else can tell you whether he's the guy for you, but I think that you have to weigh whether you would feel like you just settled for any old guy just not to be alone--or how about if you did break up with him again and then you didn't meet anyone else?  Or if you are with him, will you constantly be thinking there might be someone better out there and that being with him is stopping you from meeting that guy?

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sun, 01-13-2013 - 9:45pm
I sort of went through a similar internal conversation a month or so ago. I met someone I really like, and he likes me as well. I was concerned about his financial situation, though. He's 33, no kids, and still lives in a rented apartment. When I asked about his work, it seems he does a variety of low-paying jobs, but no one thing that would bring in a decent paycheck. I kept asking myself if that was something I could deal with. I did decide I was willing to give it a chance (one of the things he does could be quite profitable and I wouldn't know), but it doesn't matter right now. He doesn't want anything serious and I wonder if his financials are why. I didn't ask because it doesn't matter. We're just friends now. Would that be an option with your guy? Could you maintain a friendship for awhile to see if he steps it up? The other thought I have is- he may be thinking that's at 60, he doesn't really have a reason to change. He's done what he's done for so long, he may see it as the way things have to be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sun, 01-13-2013 - 10:18pm

Gee I dont know how to put this without making anyone upset but what does money have to do with anything.. In these tough times and with people without jobs or homes or places to live why would that matter?? Life is short and for me at 58 I would be happy if a guy was kind to me and treated me well. I wouldnt care if he had money but I would care about his values..and whether or not he threw his money out the window or he used it wisely..

Is it his values more than the money?? How does he feel? Does he know you feel like that??

I am thinking if I can live on bare bones alone then I can live on bare bones with someone else.. Not in the street per say with no food but I dont need alot to make me happy... (just saying) and not sure I made much sense..

 

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sun, 01-13-2013 - 10:21pm
When you want to have kids, it matters.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sun, 01-13-2013 - 10:31pm

I know what  you are saying shy loud and clear and yes one needs money to have kids but I raised a child alone with no money when his dad decided to leave us when he was a baby... Yes it was hard and I wouldnt wish that on my worst enemy but we did it. I did it and my son is the best person ever.. Yes; i did have my family but we had no money and all turned out thank God pretty well.

Plus if someone waits so long to have a kid because of the  money most people wont have kids because there will never be enough money.. I have heard it cost 1 million to raise kids.. Who has that kind of money in theory..

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 01-14-2013 - 5:52am

It sounds to me like you feel as though you are settling with this guy. I know the money thing really bothers you, so I'm not sure you'll be able to overcome this. In general, when people break up, it's rare that they can get back together, especially if nothing has changed. And at 60, there's not a lot of time left for him to make money (assuming he retires at 65 or even 67). 

On the other hand, you say he is kind. But do you love him? Do you feel attracted to him? 

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
In reply to: cfk_3
Mon, 01-14-2013 - 11:04am

Free, I may be wrong, but I usually assume that the reason they want someone as financially set as them, or better, is so he can take care of himself, basically.  If I'm barely scraping by, I wouldn't be able to take care of another person, were he to fall ill or something.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Mon, 01-14-2013 - 1:05pm

Oh; well the guy is a lawyer and sounds like he is taking care of his financial stuff no?? At his age of 60 he will have a problem as he ages with health and might need someone to take care of him? I am 58 and I am not as I was when I was younger. These are just facts of life.

So lets say this guy goes into retirement with no money and he is broke and he has to work till he is 70 what kind of quality of life is there for him then?? He might need someone to take care of him??

Yikes.. I have no idea what I mean now.. (lol)

My guy friend whom I go out with is dirt poor and he is 58.. He works but never has any money or its rare that he ever has money.. When we go out we go dutch treat but there were times I paid for him and he paid me back .. I dont care because I enjoy his company and its not like its a lot of money.. It might be going to a diner for like 20.00 or something..

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
In reply to: cfk_3
Mon, 01-14-2013 - 3:07pm

I absolutely know what you mean.  I was actually thinking when I typed that, that a lot of men marry women with less income (I would assume) fairly regularly.  I guess my comment is a little sexist, maybe or perhaps there's another word for it?  I'm just being honest, though.  I wouldn't want the financial burden of taking care of someone else.  However, I wouldn't expect my partner to bear that re$pon$ibilty either. 

That's sweet of you to treat your friend.  He's lucky to have you! 

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