Is this it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Is this it?
Sun, 01-13-2013 - 7:23pm

Tell me if I asking for too much.

My bf broke up with me last Feb b/c we had a long expanding drift over his money situation. He's 60 yo, has no savings, still working as hard as ever (as a solo practioner attorney)  for not very much money. At the time was in danger of losing his house bought at the peak 2007.

Shortly after we broke up, I met Mr. Belgium. We corresponded 5 months. I visited him last September and clearly this wasn't going to work. I was so exhausted after this experience. After this I thought about my ex bf and felt well, maybe he's not so bad. At least he's kind. I came back to my bf. He told me besides the unexpected mortgage remod (so now is able to keep the house), his view about money hasn't changed so why did I want to get back together. I told him how I felt, that I realized  he's a kind person and we could manage. At that time, he was seeing an old gf of his which I don't think was serious for either of them. Anyway, he stopped seeing her and we're back together again.

Now, I'm starting to feel again maybe this isn't the best I could have. Don't know. Maybe I could still meet someone just as kind, w/o as much baggage, who's more financially stable.  OTOH, while he has a career that has been supporting him in the past 30+ yrs, he makes enough to support himself and his obligations. Why not enjoy the R/S as it is?

How does one know?


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2011
Mon, 01-21-2013 - 10:08pm

Some of the best advice I ever read on love goes like this: Don't marry someone until you HAVE to. That doesn't mean that there's a baby on the way, but rather don't get married or even serious about someone unless you simply can't live with them. 

Judging from your post it seems like you could easily live without him. So enjoy his company, dont' sweat his money - it's his not yours - and avoid getting serious until you HAVE to. Best of both worlds. 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 12:22pm

CFK;;; I like what you said and I do believe there is truth to what you said..

I knew these few guys who do the outdoor car shows and they are about my age or a bit younger. Now I knew them through friends but one guy I was talking to last summer who never married and is single told me that he just doesnt date anyone and has no intentions of getting together with any woman.. He is n ot gay and I tho ught maybe he was making this up but when his friends told me the same thing I kinda was puzzled but yes there are men who do not want any women in their lives..

take care

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
In reply to: cfk_3
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 11:28am

Shy, I know some guys personally who will not persue women they are interested in . . . A couple of whom, were once like brothers to me and would rarely even call me.  They are both smart, gainfully employed, good looking guys who are not socially awkward and I know they aren't gay.  One of them has maybe dated three girls in ten years.  One of the girls I actually became quite close to, and she once told me that he never called her.  I am baffled by it to this day.   I can only assume that there were esteem issues that weren't outwardly apparent or they preferred being alone to having a GF.  A girl would come along who interested them but she had to do all of the work.  Once that became old, she inevitably ended the relationship.  

I'll reiterate that this is uncommon, and I would never encourage a girl to persue a guy who isn't putting forth at least half of the effort but again, it does happen cause I've seen it with me own eyes ;]

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2006
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 7:56am

Hi Free, you surely mean my twinsister and no, we are not one and the same person, i am Rocklady70 and she is Juliasuk, and no, she doesnt post on this board anymore. I, Rocklady70, would like to say that i am not *judging anyones moves* at all, never did, i have better things to do with my life than this. I am simply expressing my opinion on a public board, and i AM of a firm opinion that even the following four factors:

- enormous debts

- severe depression

- being insanely busy 24/7 365 days a year

- about to go to prison / war

wont stop a man from being with a woman he is really into. If a man wants to be with a woman seriously, he will move mountains to be with her, regardless of any surrounding circumstances. 

We all know its true. All the best to you Free.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2006
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 7:52am

and to White Satin - i am rather bewildered  by this question of yours

This is the confusing thing. Is this the right person and I need to be more passionate about or the lack of passion means it’s not the right one?

and dont even know how to put my words in an as polite as possible shape. Im bewildered by the fact that someone aged 46 still doesnt know that of course the lack of passion means that you are with the wrong person and you cannot ever ever MAKE yourself feel passionate, *in love*, *in lust*, *butterflies in stomach*, call it what you want, about someone, with whom this *certain something* is just not there.. The difficult decision here now is - is it enough for you, to live without it all, without love, lust and passion, to settle for a kind platonic companionship? (which sadly is a lot too nowadays..)  Or do you still have the wish, hope and most importanty, strength in you, to .. *aim for love*?

I truely wish you all the best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Wed, 01-16-2013 - 9:20am

Okay Shy then Good Luck with it and I dont blame you for not posting about it as yes we do know the person who judges every move..

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Wed, 01-16-2013 - 8:26am
Actually, Free, you are both very wrong. I'd probably think that too if I didn't know the whole story. Which I'm not willing to share here because someone- someone I've asked repeatedly NOT to respond to me- insists on judging my every move. He is definitely "into" me.
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 01-15-2013 - 11:03pm

  Just look to your own career and money.  What he has or does not have is not then an issue. 


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Tue, 01-15-2013 - 10:56pm

Yes, I’m drifting along without passion. This is the confusing thing. Is this the right person and I need to be more passionate about or the lack of passion means it’s not the right one?

At every stage in my love life, what I get is always less than what I want. With age, it seems the choices have gotten less desirable and I’ve lowered my standards over the years and no matter what the standards are, I can’t get someone that meet them. For instance, when I was younger, I had opportunities with guys who were on the right track and since we were both younger and starting life, no baggage as well. However back then I not only wanted smart and financially-on-track, I also wanted good looking. Now at this ripe old age of 46, I realized I’ve never been that good looking myself and settle for smart and financially stable (not rich b/c most rich men are jerks anyway).  With this guy can only get smart. Please note I haven’t mentioned kindness because I always date kind guys. If he’s not kind then we don’t even get to the point where I would wonder about all these things.

You’re right too that I’m settling. Since we’ve gotten back together, I’ve given up on having a life together. Since we really don’t see eye to eye on the money issue, we can’t marry. He’s not good with helping around the house either but it’s nice to have a man who’s ready to help me should I need someone to help move things around or do very small things around the house.  For a long time now, I’m not so interested in him sexually . I think it’s because I don’t feel psychologically connected.  At this time he’s a fun companion. I enjoy having dinners and good conversations over a glass of wine, do things with around town, talking about things I’m doing in my life, ect… And someday, God forbids, should one of us has a crisis, the other person would be around.

 So the question I have for myself is: should I give up on the dream of being married and should just be happy with a life companion?  Should I change my idea of what a good relationship should be. Is it settling or is it changing perspective to be happy with one has?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Tue, 01-15-2013 - 11:25am

I meant life life is not all cookie cutter.

Shy.. I would have to agree with Rocklady sadly.. The guy doesnt seem all that into you.. MOney wouldnt matter if someone really liked someone. Sorry.. but that is how I see it also..