It's hard, trapped, I need some advise

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2006
It's hard, trapped, I need some advise
3
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 10:11pm

Hi, need a little advice. Ok, I come from a real tight knit family. I’m 23 and a Male; I have been living at home with my parents all my life. I feel so trapped for several reasons. My parents over socialize with me. I have friends; but my parents are still overwhelmingly in my life, from beginning, to end of the day there is no escaping. When I try to change my behavior and avoid them , it never works. You can't fully understand it unless you are in it. There is no where to go because I still have a year and a half left on my college degree and I go to a 4 year commuter college. I tried to go away for college a few years ago it was great. I met a lot of friends and was socializing; only for it to end in disaster. They kept calling and calling and giving me a guilt trip (your father is so sick and sad because you went away ect.). My parents are Turkish immigrants and they don’t speak English well and don’t have many friends or family. I spend the weekend watching TV usually with them.. I have a part time job in Engineering firm (sadly all men). To make the problem worse I have been diagnosed with mild social phobia. I don’t meet too many girls at school. I just show up and leave. The only bright spot is they will definitely move to Florida when I graduate to retire. So when I graduate I’ll have a job here locally in Boston while they are in Florida. But, then that leaves me by myself in a empty apartment. Getting in a long term relationship would be good for me. But, the way things have been going I feel progress will only come once they move to Florida. They just won’t let go. Does anyone have any suggestions?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2005
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 11:36pm

i too come from a tight-knit family, but i'm in my mid-20s. i too still live with my family and my siblings too. i'm always with either my parents, brothers, or my brothers' gfs. i think that since my dad isn't so close to his family (7 bros/sisters) because we are the "less wealthier" families, he always told my siblings and i to stick together. on top of this, being asian and its culture/traditions go a long with it...however, our parents are a lot less stringent then other asian kids i know. my bros and i have contemplated leaving because we want to live our lives without having a parent around, but the cost of living is ridiculous and we are really just too close to even think about move thousands of miles away.

so with your background, it seems like the traditional turkish roots are held strongly within your family. honestly, your "friends" that mocked you about staying home with your parents, hanging out with them too much, etc. probably reflects how distant they are from their own family...their relationship is not as strong as yours. for me, i've had some people ALWAYS questioning me things like...why do you always talk about your brothers? why do you always hang out with your parents/relatives?...well, i'm close to them! and i view them as my friends. don't get me wrong...i DO have friends that are not related, but those friends of mine understand that family is a priority to me.

in regards to your long-term relationship idea, are you even prepared for that? you may just want to start first with hanging out with some friends or making new friends...then start dating. let's suppose you start dating someone without making friends first...if she dumps you...who do you have left to go to other than your parents?

do you have any siblings? if so, do they still live with you and how do they feel?

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 11:37pm

You need to cut the cord, because they are not going to.


Of course your parents would like for you to be close to them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2005
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 11:03pm
I read your message a couple of times.. and I know that your culture and your upbringing is very family-oriented. But that does not mean you cant slowly gain some independence from your parents-lets face it, you will find dating a little difficult as long as youre living at home, unless you meet a woman who is from the same culture as yours and understands. As far as your folks being really involved with everyting you do and "oversocializing" as you put it, you need to let them know you are an adult now and want privacy-you dont have to tell them everything. You being diagnosed with a mild form of "social phobia" doesnt mean you are handicapped in any way. The specialist who diagnosed you should be able to give you some advice as to how to interact with people, meet friends, etc. Someone should also be helping you be able to deal with your parents in a manner that will get them to back off a little bit without jeapardizing your relationship with them. The best thing about college is, there are so many student groups and associations you could join, and Im sure there are many students from Turkey or that region you could relate to. You need to take advantage of these, force yourself to meet people, and you'll start to trust people more and some of your social phobia will start to disappear. I dont expect youre going to be able to get your very own place since I know the cost of living in Boston is very high, but the fact you work part-time, you may be able get a decent apartment to share with a couple of other students. I know a guy who went to a private college near Boston and he had to do the same thing-share a cruddy apartment with a friend or two to make ends meet. My friends younger brother finally left home at the ridiculous age of 28, and he seems to be functioning just fine-I think he's matured a little bit and its forced him to be responsible, make new friends and his love life has certainly improved. I think he regrets not moving out sooner and I dont want you to feel like that. You need to tell your parents you need your independence and cannot wait until they retire and move to Florida. It is not normal for kids in America to live with their parents past the age of 21 or so. I know in other countries, it's different. Also, Im not sure what a "Commuter college" is,, but I'm assuming its a graduate school of some sort. It may benefit you to enroll in another reputable college in another state to finish your education-alot of people leave the East coast since there are more opportunities for students and cheaper housing. Most of the students that go to school in my state (Arizona) seem to come from out of state since housing is so much cheaper here, and theres lots of employment opportunities. You may want to consider this-it will surely force you to detach yourself from your parents. Good luck