I've been thinking about this for awhile

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
I've been thinking about this for awhile
Fri, 04-25-2003 - 6:04pm
Do we all have a common link besides being single? Do you think there is a trait we all seem to have?

I think I may have come up with something. I'm not a risk taker with men- I never have been. Really, waiting on Joe isn't a risk for me at all b/c it's not like I'm meeting lots of guys, and my life is no different from it was before we got back together. It's not a risk because I'm not losing anything. If a suitable guy asked me out, I'd probably say yes and try to keep things casual. THEN I'd be taking a risk, and I'd probably go nuts with the decision.

So, whaddaya think? Are you a risk taker with love? Can you give examples of times when you have taken a safe risk with someone? (I'm not talking about moving in after a week or anything like that. Maybe a time when you kept a guy around when you weren't sure of the spark or something like that.)

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-26-2003 - 12:51am
I too am tempted to look for common ground but with all the different issues and lifestyles we all have I don't know if it can be done. I am taking a risk right now in a new relationship - feels very different from other relationships where it was a safer bet for several reasons. It is definitely a safe risk however. I was a big risk taker over 4 years ago when only 8 months after meeting my mentor at a different firm, I followed him to another firm even though I loved the firm I was at, and took a paycut - but something told me that it was more important to stick with this mentor and develop a skill in a new specialty. And, yes I have taken risks before with men - but my hunch is men have taken more risks with me. I risked getting engaged when I wasn't truly passionate about my bf, in 1997 - that risk did not pan out - and yes it was a risk because it was so "public." I took a huge risk ending things with Jeff in January - at 36, he had been described by 2 therapists as potentially my last chance for motherhood - but I had to risk that given my ambivalence and anxiety. Great question!!
Avatar for cl_shywon
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Sat, 04-26-2003 - 10:43am
You know, the funny thing is I can take risks with other parts of my life with no problem. I've moved three times to a place where I knew no one. I quit my last job before I had a new one lined up because I hated it so much. I enrolled in school this summer without knowing how I was going to pay for it (student loans came through last week, thank goodness). But when it comes to people, I just have a very hard time with it.

After I posted, I realized that it's harder for me to take a risk with strangers. I can't risk rejection or getting myself involved with a toxic person. Recently, I've cut contact w/ a guy I had been chatting with (platonically- we think we're related) online b/c he's such a pig. I forgave him the first time he made me feel awful. The second time, he's gone. He doesn't know it either. I think it was a good decision, however, I also know that if I had never started chatting w/ him, he wouldn't have been able to say the mean things to me.

I think I'm rambling now.

I guess my point is that I wonder if there is a certain quality that makes a person more prone to being single longer (and I'm not saying it's a bad quality, just a quality).

Do you think that you're a little more guarded since you accepted that engagement in 1997 and then it didn't work out?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-26-2003 - 12:41pm
Sure! But not risk taking...

We have the same quality in common that me and my single gal pals have: we won't settle and we are independant. As IT guy said, we have higher standards. I honestly think that is true - maybe not higher - but certainly much more defined.

Most of my married gfs were looking for a nice looking guy who would love and treat them right. Nothing else mattered. Some of them lucked out and some didn't. But none of them analyzed and looked at it from such a clinical view as we do. I think we have the right idea tho! I could not understand why I would put up with the abuse I did from my xSO. Thru the boards and introspection, I've realized I LOVED talking to him. We could sit and talk for hours on end...TV off...I had never had that before and now I know thats what will hold any future r/ships together. I have a few married gfs who try to talk to their husbands and he's got the TV on - she is fustrated and can't understand why he can't talk to her if he loves her. But his "glue" is the fact that he builds her customized wall units (listened to her enough to figure it out w/o asking, in a color that matches her decor pattern :)...and that they take the kids camping every year...etc...

So we know what we want. And we won't settle for less.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-26-2003 - 5:23pm
You know, I was going to say that too - I have taken big risks with jobs, vacations, and socially. As far as my failed engagement (the second engagement - first failed one was in 1989) I am more guarded as far as knowing that I am prone to believing that someone is right for me where there is insufficient chemistry/passion - and I get easily attached even without the passion because yes I do love being part of a couple and have been part of a couple much more often than not in the past 20 years. What being engaged in 1997 taught me was how very serious it is emotionally and financially - i remember registering for gifts (was fun!) but then seeing the pile of gifts on my future in laws' kitchen table and the first thought that came to me was "good, since they're from the registry they probably can be easily returned." As I found out later, I was right. Of course, sometimes I oversompensate by going for "all heat" as a friend described it last night - a "bad boy" but that never lasts beyond a handful of dates and I've never had sex in that context.

So, to answer your question - I still think there are so many qualities that can prolong singledom in a woman - being career driven (that was not a reason for me), too independent (same) painfully shy, an unhealthy family background, etc. I still say, great question - sure made me think!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-27-2003 - 2:07am
" As IT guy said, we have higher standards. I honestly think that is true - maybe not higher - but certainly much more defined. "

lotsa truth to this...

Avatar for secrets86
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-27-2003 - 1:58pm
I am in a non-traditional relationship w/ someone right

now (which I'd rather not get into... too long to explain,

and no, I don't mean it's a sex relationship.. b/c we dont

have sex) but b/c of the circumstances I am able to spend

time w/ other guys if that's what I want to do. I have. I

have been having fun for the most part. My heart really lies

w/ the guy I'm in the non-trad. rel. w/, though. Unfortunately,

for *various* reasons, we can't be together completely.

I know I've been badly burned by my last 2 rel. (esp the last

one.. he was my 1st love), and so it's been common for me to

avoid being close to anyone b/c I didn't want to get hurt. I

am young - still in college - and I don't really feel like this

is the time for me to be completely settled down w/ one person.

Perhaps I would feel differently if I had found "the one" It is

also nearing the end of the school yr and I will prob. be

elsewhere next semester so it's really not good circumstances to

start a rel. w/ anyone anyhow. And so that's why I am single

right now. Not b/c I have higher standards than other ppl but

b/c I just don't want to be right now and know that my situation

in life right now is not at all conducive to beginning a rel.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sun, 04-27-2003 - 7:22pm
That makes sense, but I also think that there are a lot of women out there who have high standards and aren't single. Are there really men out there that meet our standards? I think there are, they are just in fewer numbers, and a lot of them are already married!

Maybe we have higher standards b/c we won't take a risk on a guy with flaws?

I guess I'm thinking about this so much because I have friends from college who did meet good guys and who are now married. My best friend seems to date lots of guys- guys I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. Yes, her standards are lower (I think) or maybe just different. Who knows.

I'd hate to think that having high standards equals being single forever, though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-28-2003 - 12:38pm
"I think there are, they are just in fewer numbers, and a lot of them are already married! "

why not think of it as...

there are good guys out there - they just need time to mature. ;-)

i think i've changed a lot in the last couple of years, and i'm turning 31 in about a week. (i'm still me, but i've just grown up some)