I've sunk to a new low

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
I've sunk to a new low
24
Sun, 10-27-2013 - 10:10pm

now settling for a texting R/S. In the past, if the guy suggested texting, I just told him I don't text,call me. Now I've setteld for texting back and forth. The guy is traveling for a job for two weeks. Too lazy to call so text back and forth maybe 1-2 messages a day.

He even has the nerves to ask for more pics. He asked for my email so he could send more pics and hope I will "reciprocate'. I'm actually OK with the 1 pic he has online. You see, I'm not super picky about looks, as long as he's not too fat or ugly. It's more than just a a static one-dimensional picture, you really do need to meet the person to get a feel of his attractiveness. In the past I would tell the guy to buzz off as well. I've told guys so many times if they want to know what I really look like then meet in person, I don't have more pics to send. Only one guy actually was impressed enough by my attitude and met me. The rest just disappeared.

Now this one, I said OK,send me more of your pics and I will send yo more of mine. I have some pics with my little nephew taken last year. It was an outing with my family so hair was completely undone and no make-up. But rreally even agreeing to send more pics is already below me.

Boy, have I hit rock-bottom!

 

 

 

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Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Mon, 10-28-2013 - 12:56am

Have you ever thought the stumbling block in your relationships, was YOU?  "...He even has the nerves to ask for more pics..."  Nerves??  Why would you refuse to send someone more than one pic?  I wouldn't buy a pig in a poke, and I'm sure most other people wouldn't either.  One pic can be a phony.  A dozen, in different locations and times, usually are not. Plus, it gives the other person a better idea of what you do, where you go.  You can tell someone you love hiking, but a pic of you on the Appalachian Trail is worth a thousand words.

"...Too lazy to call..."  What century are you living in?  People text today.  People text because they are busy, they are at work, they are with other people, they are on the can, they're trying to eat dinner, they've talked all day and they're SICK of talking, and they can reply when they have a second, or in the middle of the night, or when they have an interesting pic to send.

You are unreasonably demanding, and have a miserable attitude.  Your feeling that these guys are "beneath" you, and are the bottom of the barrel, comes wafting off you like a miasma.  No one wants to put up with that, especially during the "getting-to-know-you" phase, when you SHOULD be on your best behavior. 

Get over yourself.  Go volunteer at a children's hospital, a nursing home, or a homeless shelter.  Find out what REAL pain and lonliness are, and spend some time thinking of others instead of yourself.  Learn how to be compassionate, flexible and giving, and how to be a friend. These are qualities that will support you in ANY relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 10-28-2013 - 9:38am

Umm,  in White Satin's defense, she IS a physcian and I am sure she has seen her share of pain and suffering (and done her fair share in helping people).

In response to this thread and other recent threads, White Satin, are you clinically depressed?  (I mean, you are the doc, but sometimes we don't see things in ourselves).  Instead of focusing on dates, I would suggest taking a break on OLD and maybe just to look for new friends and/or connect with old ones.  If you like fashion, perhaps you have friends who are friends of designers, not with the intention to date, but just surround youself with interesting people that share your interest.

Perhaps it is just me, when I was depressed, I tend to attract the bottom of the barrel types.  (Misery loves comapny)?!  When I felt good about myself, I tend to attract better people.  So if you try to date when you are depressed, you attract loser, then you feel bad and starts the downward spiral ...  Really,, try to take some time off and organize your house, take up something you enjoy (doesn't have to be a formal class - for example, I have a book about fibers: wool, silk, cotton, hemp, etc.   It is a very in depth discussion on raw materials, spinning, weaving, fabric quality - something that could be interest to a fashionista), and for heaven's sake, read books you enjoy, not because it helps you to carry on an intellectual conversation with men!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 10-28-2013 - 10:50am

Have you said to the guy that you would like to talk on the phone so you could have a longer conversation?  personally I'm not that much of a fan of talking on the phone.  I don't even like talking on the phone w/ my friends.  But if he is going to be gone for 2 weeks and you are only sending 1-2 texts a day that is not giving you much info about each other.  How about saying "this is my work schedule for this week.  Is there some night that we could arrange a phone call?"  Or since you have his email, how about sending him a message where he could respond at his leisure but could give you a longer answer.

As a veteran of OLD and someone who encountered a scammer on the 1st try, I would beware of people who say they are "traveling" or "out of the country".  Does he have the kind of job where it would be expected that he would travel?  I'm not saying that he is definitely a liar, but if he keeps putting you off, then cut him off.  The guy I was in contact with supposedly went out of the country for business but he never had a definite date when he was returning--and that was right before Christmas and he supposedly had kids!  Then it got to the point where he lost his wallet w/ his credit cards and his bank account was frozen and he couldnt' get money--well that was the end.  It was very disappointing too because we did have long chats on the phone.  So after that one, it was if you can't meet in a reasonable amt. of time, then don't bother with me any more because I am not on OLD to have a pen pal--I want actual dates in person.  I like chatting w/ all you girls here and talking about our problems but I have friends in real life that I actually do things with, you know?

I do agree with Demontespan that trying to date when you are depressed is usually a losing propositing.  You know that most of the peoople you meet, whether IRL or on OLD are not going to work out, so if you are already feeling bad, then why would you want to add rejection to that?  You have to be in the position that if a date doesn't work out, it's not such a big deal because you are still busy and having fun so it's not gonig to ruin your whole life.  What kind of things do you do for fun--and do you have women friends?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Mon, 10-28-2013 - 2:07pm

Demontespan,

The title of the post was meant to be funny. But, you're right, I'm depressed and have been since my 20's. I'm not suicidal depressed, just a low grade depression. I can make myself do things that have to be done, i.e. get through with school, go to work but outside of these survival things, I don't do much. I see a therapist every other week and lately have occupied with myself with activities, many of which are kinda low-pressure, low-effort things, like going out with a gf on the wkend, getting together with a small group (they're also friends) every friday. Occasional meet-up events, and doing things with my family.

Other than that I don't have much motivation to do anything else. The volunteer things sound great, i.e. there are a couple of professional volunteer opportunities that I've set aside to do, like helping out with the medical alumni group or even some community things but boy, it's hard to get myself up by the bootstrap. I'm currently involved with the local professional group but it takes very little effort - we get together once a month and my job is to set up the meetings, that's it. I don't know how some people are on 10 committees in their city.

I don't read to attract men. I read b/c I want to - not that much but enough so I have a good general knowledge. Besides I have satilite radio and listen bloomberg on the way to work. No other interest other than shopping.

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Mon, 10-28-2013 - 2:17pm

Hi Musiclover,

The guy seems legit. I found him on Linkd with a picture and professional resume. He's a mining engineer and I don't quite understand everything he describes but it sounds professional. The trip he's taking is a two-week trip, and will be back in town. We did talk about meeting when he comes back. 

But that may not be relelvant. he may not like my new pics.

He sent me some pics. He's a good looking guy. I sent back a three more  pics.  The one pic I have online was one with makeup and hair done.  I generally don't take many pics and the new ones were taken by my family when we went out last year. My hair was completely straight and long, no makeup. I myself don't see anything wrong with these au naturel pics but some men may have specific standards.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Mon, 10-28-2013 - 7:42pm
I was very anti-texting at first too. I've just learned to deal with it. The guy I'm dating now has lots of downtime at work, so he texts when he's bored. It's annoying at times because some of them really don't make sense. I don't have the heart to bring that up yet, though. I used to hate the request for more pictures since I'm always the one behind the camera. I guess I can understand it. It's still a pain, though. Have you ever tried taking anything for your depression?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Mon, 10-28-2013 - 10:47pm

Shywon,

I don't mind texting for essential things but you can't really have a conversation. I guess my new level of desperation has made it OK. I give the benefit of a doubt. He's out of town on an assignment so he doesn't have lots of time. A text or two to keep in touch a day is not bad. I can deal with it for now.

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 10-30-2013 - 12:58pm

I don't read to attract men. I read b/c I want to - not that much but enough so I have a good general knowledge. Besides I have satilite radio and listen bloomberg on the way to work. No other interest other than shopping.

That could be problematic, and compound with the somewhat classist undertone you consciously or sub-consciously express, finding a suitable partner will be a challenge.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Thu, 10-31-2013 - 12:16am

I'm also into fashion and decorating and shopping for those things. I think that's an interest. But you're right I'm not passionate about anything for instance I don't bike or do anything on a regular basis.

I don't see what's wrong with wanting someone who is more or less my equal. Many women in my position do, even women who have less education, less sophiscation than me want men like that so am I supposed to feel guilty for wanting that. I'm sure many woman also look down on low-lifes who have nothing more than flaunting their sexuality and file sexual harassment lawsuits for lving. Difference is I speak my mind b/c I'm not afraid to be potically incorrect.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 10-31-2013 - 2:05am

"I don't see what's wrong with wanting someone who is more or less my equal".

Did I ever imply there is anything wrong with that?  The challenge is, what YOU want is only half the equation.  You also need to find out what those kinds of men want and where to find them.  In my limited experience, I have had good luck at ski slopes, airport hangers, golf courses, and the opera/symphony, but never at stores, not even Saks' Fifth or Neiman.  (Actually met my current guy at the airport - we are both private pilots).

"I'm sure many woman also look down on low-lifes who have nothing more than flaunting their sexuality and file sexual harassment lawsuits for lving".

Huh?!!  

Perhaps you are reading too much into what I wrote.  Stop being so defensive!  I am simply stating a fact that statistically you are less likely to run into sophisticated high-earners unless you frequent their stomping grounds and share their games.

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