Jealous of an ex fling and feeling awful

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2000
Jealous of an ex fling and feeling awful
11
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 9:34am

Hi,
I'm having a bit of a meltdown and I need some good advice.
This winter a met a very hot guy whom I thought I could fall in love with. He gave me butterflies in my stomach and that hadn't happened in years! Unfortunately he turned out to be a womaniser, he wasn't looking for a relationship and he only wanted sex. I told him no and he disappeared. My bubble burst, I was heartbroken and after a couple of month of doubts, of not seeing him,when he looked for me again,I decided to take him for what he was: a fling. If I couldn't have him as a bf at leat I could have fun with him. We had sex 3 times and in the meantime we both had sex with other people. No drama.
I haven't heard from him in the last 2 months but, recently,checking that damn Facebook I noticed a girl, a polish hostess, who posted regularly on his page so I began checking her page. They 've been dating only 1 month. Then she began posting pictures of the 2 of them togheter, all of her friends commented on how gourgeous they were, what a nice couple and so on. When I asked him about it he said that she was "a particular little friend but no engagement" (of course! After just 1 month!)..... Now she posted a pic of the 2 of them kissing and I can't take it. And this is just the beginning! She's obvioulsy in love (and I can't blame her!) but I hate that she's posting all this trophy pics, triumphantly flaunting her catch to the world. He has broken so many hearts and now he's happy, just like that! No regrets, no guilt!

It's not that I'm jealous, I'm envious! I wanted to find love, I wanted to be the one to post pics of the 2 of us togheter. I realize that love is a wonderful thing and I wish them the best but I can't help but wondering when the hell it's going to happen to me. She's 29 and has found happiness with a hot, smart guy who's obviously falling hard for her: I'm almost 38 and I'm growing old alone. I had found him but I wasn't special enough to make him fall for me and now he has found his soulmate while I'm alone and desperate. Why did she have such luck while I'm left wandering alone in the dark?


I feel so sad, I'm crying all the time and taking antidepressants. Cry I'll never find the love of my life,I'm getting old and, even if I'm always out and about, meeting people, I can't find a man to fall in love with. He was the only one who touched my heart but obvioulsy I wasn't enough for him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2007
Fri, 11-16-2012 - 11:35pm

I have to agree with everyone above. Walk away completely. Too many people fall into this trap, unintentionally, of choosing to not listen to the person, and believing things will work out, then getting hurt.

 As a man, i have been on both sides of this. and believe it normally has nothing to do with the person...it just happens. I dated a lady for a year, but at the time i was not ready for anything really serious. I had school, work and many others reasons i could not get seriously commited...after abt 10 mnths she cheated and we broke up. A few months later, a friend who helped get me thru the pain of the break, asked me out, 5 months later we were married... On paper DW was not any much better than my Ex-GF. But the "Click" was there and all of a sudden everything felt right...

I have also been on the opposite side of that equation. Being put in the 'friend zone', then the person dates the next guy that comes along, no matter how bad a match.. think abt it.. most women have someone in the friend zone who probably feels the same way. the only difference is most women don't develop a FWB situation with those guys...

But anyway, back to the point, don't torture yourself by keeping up with what their doing, let it go. Also don't doubt yourself because of it. Just focus on you and your happiness from within

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2007
Fri, 11-16-2012 - 11:35pm

I have to agree with everyone above. Walk away completely. Too many people fall into this trap, unintentionally, of choosing to not listen to the person, and believing things will work out, then getting hurt.

 As a man, i have been on both sides of this. and believe it normally has nothing to do with the person...it just happens. I dated a lady for a year, but at the time i was not ready for anything really serious. I had school, work and many others reasons i could not get seriously commited...after abt 10 mnths she cheated and we broke up. A few months later, a friend who helped get me thru the pain of the break, asked me out, 5 months later we were married... On paper DW was not any much better than my Ex-GF. But the "Click" was there and all of a sudden everything felt right...

I have also been on the opposite side of that equation. Being put in the 'friend zone', then the person dates the next guy that comes along, no matter how bad a match.. think abt it.. most women have someone in the friend zone who probably feels the same way. the only difference is most women don't develop a FWB situation with those guys...

But anyway, back to the point, don't torture yourself by keeping up with what their doing, let it go. Also don't doubt yourself because of it. Just focus on you and your happiness from within

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Fri, 11-16-2012 - 11:00am

I know EXACTLY how you're feeling.I too was in a somewhat situation.A friend of mine thought that this guy would be  good for me.Well he had told me that he wasn't looking for a relationship...well I fell in love with him.I would hang out at his house,we'd sleep together...basically a FWB...which I didn't want.I really enjoyed being with him and told him how I felt about him.By the way I had fallen in love with him before I had ever had sex with him...anyways told him that I didn't want to do the fwb thing anymore...I told him that he should take a chance on me...I tried everything...well sometime in June he 'met someone whom he clicked with' as he stated and I was so crushed...OH and then she moved in with him!! Yeah...I had known this person for almost 3 YRS!! anyways he;s also taken this person out of town on trips...yeah so imagine how hard this was for me!!! It's really hard when you tell someone who you really love(no infatuation) and you've KNOWN them alot longer then whom they have 'clicked' with...but there is NOTHING you can do.I am sure that you are a nice person that if he ever needed anything you would be the 1st one there for him BUT as long as he doesn't see you that way...as long as he has in his mind that you're NOT the one he wants to be with in a relationship way...there is NOTHING you can do.

I have tried being just friends with my ex fwb..because he says that he wanted to be if next week pans out the way that I assume it will...then he will no longer be my friend and I will never have contact with him ever again because in my heart...I know how one should be with just a friend and he can't even be that way with me...he's shown me over and over and I have refused to want to admit it but I need to be stronger and so do you.I completely understand your pain BUT you have to let go.What I have been doing is going out alot..at one point it was 4 times a week!!! Whatever it took to get over him..obviously I"m ont still BUT I'm in a lot better place then I was in April....You deserve someone who will see you for you.Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 11-15-2012 - 10:30am

Planning a trip abroad with someone you hardly know is just idiotic--and no one can be in love so quickly.  I don't believe in soulmates either or in love at first sight--it's infatuation.  You can't really know someone until you've been together for at least a year.  And if you have the attitude that you will never meet someone & be happy, you probably won't.  I won't say there is a guarantee--it's true that some people never meet someone.  I'm over 50 & divorced & things aren't looking too good for me, but you have a choice--you can either sit around and wallow and say "poor me" all the time or you can try to make the best of it.  Not that we all wouldn't like to find someone but it can't be the center of your existence.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Thu, 11-15-2012 - 8:22am

That doesn't mean anything either.  It's not real love at this point.  It's infatuation.  Stop looking at what they're doing!  Unfriend him already! 

I don't believe in soul mates.  I think the concept makes people think a relationship will be easy, and they are never easy. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2000
Thu, 11-15-2012 - 8:17am

Well,they are already planning a trip abroad togheter after 2 weeks of dating! If it ain't love..... Cry

I don't have a soulmate so It's never gonna happen to me.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 7:46pm

  Hi

     IMO this is the time for a therapist.  It is your thought causing you pain.  I suggest not looking at Facebook.  It has done nothing positive for you. 

  "I feel so sad, I'm crying all the time and taking antidepressants. Cry I'll never find the love of my life,I'm getting old and, even if I'm always out and about, meeting people, I can't find a man to fall in love with. He was the only one who touched my heart but obvioulsy I wasn't enough for him."

   This type of thoughts blinds one from what is in front of them.  If your mind and emotions are in the past how can you be in the present?

Goldfish

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 7:14pm

I'm going to echo what the others said- it's just been a month, so who knows if they're really happy.  Also, I find that the women who have to flaunt their "happiness" all over Facebook are the most insecure.  It makes me want to gag, quite frankly.  She's probably just into bragging, and eventually she'll get tired of it and move on. 

I understand feeling like you're growing old alone.  Trust me.  The only thing we can really do is try to stay positive, because if we  don't have hope, we really don't have anything.

 

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 4:10pm
I told a friend of mine the other day . . . she was kind of disheartened over a male/female friendship that was ending because he wanted more, and she didn't . . . even if he was a wonderful friend to her, she was tucked away somewhere with him most weekends and she wasn't out meeting potential suitors. Now that they've decided to make a clean break, that will free up a lot of her time. I think the same applies to you, in this situation. Try to look at it (moving on) as an opportunity gained instead of an opportunity lost. Good luck!
Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 1:39pm

I agree with Musiclover, and wanted to add: it would help if you could look at this as not that you didn't measure up, but that you weren't a good fit, especially since he is a womanizer. And the fact is, you did measure up to being a temporary playmate, and who's to say this Facebook girl isn't also temporary? I think it's a little pathetic when people post pictures so quickly of themselves as a "couple" when it hasn't been that long. Perhaps she had been alone a long time and is just very anxious to prove to her friends that she's "got a guy."

I totally get wanting to find love, but you didn't find that with this guy. Yes, you had sexual attraction for him, but then you compromised by becoming a fling. I think a lot of women will say in the beginning of these sorts of arrangements that all they want is a fling and that they can take it, but I think most are kidding themselves.

And how about just hiding his posts on your newsfeed? Or delete him altogether. 

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