Just curious what you all think.
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| Fri, 05-04-2007 - 4:50pm |
Would you start plucking and arching your eight and ten year old daughter's eye brows? Would you allow them to wear padded bras which, in my opinion is not necessary at eight years old(well in some cases), and only accentuates that part of their anatomy?
I've never been the aunt of preteens before and while I would never scrutinize someones parenting, I knew I could come here and vent about it ; ) I know it's off-topic for the singles boards but . . .
The same two girls have been wearing make-up, polished nails, high heels, SHORT skirts, and two piece bathing suits since they were five and six. I have also discovered that they can go commando if they are so inclined. I know I shouldn't care what others think but when I am out in public with them and the ten year old has mascara smears under her eyes and a base line on her jowl, it's a little embarrassing.
I've tried to gently persuade their tastes a little since I know that they are emulating someone at home who they see (and admire) every day. It's not a matter of being girlie either, it's a matter of enjoying being a kid while they are still kids.
Some of my views are a result of being raised in a very conservative household, I'm sure. I just wanted some unbiased opinions. Ordinarily, I think I could easily not care one way or the other, but I happen to spend about 75% of my free time with these two nieces. Also, I am not thinking of approaching their parents . . . no way. I would just like to know if I'm being unreasonable in my thinking.
Thanks.

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These young girls will end up in big trouble when they are teens or twenties.
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Kids these ages aren't in a position to be able to think their choices through and the mom might have a master's degree but there is a saying, "Smart in school, dumb on the bus" that really seems to hold true here.
You've mentioned that you spend quite a bit of time with them. Is it ever possible to pick them up after school and get close enough to see the oldest one leaving with her friends? The reason I ask is it might give perspective. (And the 8 year old may simply be mimicking her older sister, right or wrong.) If all of her friends are wearing the same sort of clothing and amount of makeup, it would help to know. It would also explain why they're wearing makeup when it's supposedly "off-limits" at home (they're putting it on after they get to school). If she's the only one, you can ask why she does that when no one else does. Alteratively, find out who her favorite celebrities are -- if they wear less makeup, that might be a point you can bring up.
I think you're doing a great job and I applaud you for spending so much time with them when clearly they need it -- they need an adult with a different, more common, perspective even if you don't agree with what they're doing. My guess is that they're picking up on that. You're right that they're way ahead of their time, but you're also right that you do have to take a back seat on this, I think. They have enough conflicting messages coming through. Continue to be their favorite aunt; continue to spend as much time as you have. Enforce your own rules ("Why don't you leave a pair of jeans with me so you can change when we get together?"), and maybe start shopping for some body-changes and sex ed books that you think are appropriate for their ages (who knows what Mom would come up with! The Kinsey Report?!).
Cosmetics, short skirts, heels, bras... they're all harmless by themselves: they're props. But they can also start a reputation. Because these girls have embraced the look and it's endorsed by Mom, I think the best work you can do is to keep the mindset of "cheap and easy" away from them; teach them a strong sense of self the best you can. If you can, you're going to more good there than calling attention to what's "wrong" with them (neglectful parenting -- which they can't help).
Have you ever had a chance to hear what their mom was like growing up or seen a high school annual or other pictures?
I know they're emulating their mother. I have had lunch with them at school several times. The only makeup I've noticed on their peers is a little gloss or some glittery sparkles on cheeks, no color. Their mother, in public, has a very jovial personality - very quick witted. Sometimes, when we're out in public, I catch them watching her in awe. However, I don't know how to say this without sounding awful, umm, there is a certain level of taste which is absent.
I remember the jewelry she used to get me for X-mas when I was a teen. I always got the impression that she thought I should "try harder". I had my moments but I suppose I'm a bit of a feminist in some ways . . . au natural, take it or leave it. I wear makeup but only because I'm a red head and there is almost no existing palette ; ) I wish their mom would go natural. Her hair would be so much healthier and I think people would take her more seriously. This isn't about being a blond, either. I just don't want to go into detail.
I appreciate your words of encouragement. The little one came over the other day, right after school, and she had on eye shadow. I tried to tell her that I didn't want people to think badly of her, in the nicest way possible, and she said: "You shouldn't care what people think". I had no response. She was right.
Another reason why I take such issue with all of this is because I have struggled with esteem for as long as I can remember and I see it in the older one so much that it hurts. She is shy, although she will not admit it, and she struggles with basic conversation. She is very bright, she knows it and we all know it, but for some reason she plays this silly, boy crazy, gossipy act. She gets next to no attention from her father. My father was the same way and I was starved for male attention growing up. I fear for her future. I really do. This may be something that I should actually take to a therapist instead of discussing it here. I almost feel guilty.
Edited 5/6/2007 11:48 am ET by cfk_3
My mom (a preacher's wife) would have never let us do such a thing. So that, coupled with the fact that I think it's kinda gross, no offense to anyone out there, made me sort of blow the whole thing out of proportion. I made my oldest niece cry. All I said was that it was disgusting but I guess at that age, hormones are raging and they are hyper sensitive. I should have reacted with more grace.
I can't even wear a thong!? I went and bought a weeks supply, LOL, to try them out. I hated them! I think it's actually pretty common for some women, and men, to go without their undies, but I find it extremely uncomfortable. To each his own, I guess.
>>I fear exactly the thing that shy touched upon (teen pregnancy) but I guess there comes a point where I have to remind myself that they aren't my children.<<
I think the good thing is that you are in their lives, even if you're not their mom. You can be a positive female role model for them, and maybe help them see that there's more to life than boys and makeup. Even if you don't talk to them explicity about these issues, just having another woman in their life can influence them.
The boy crazy thing really scares me for them. There was a program my middle school created for just that reason. They noticed that girls who were smart and did well in school hit a phase in 7th grade when their grades went down because they started to become boy crazy -- and started to think school didn't matter. The program was designed to get girls together to focus on fun projects and outings outside of school that had nothing to do with boys -- it helped build their self esteem and interest in educational and recreational activities. I was a part of it, and I think it was a good idea. It helped me see that I was worth something for more than my face or my body - that I had a mind, valuable opinions, talents, etc.
I hope that program still exists.
For your nieces, I'd say encourage their participation in things like art, sports, music - whatever they like. Help them realize that life is really interesting -- and not everything has to involve makeup, shopping, looking good and attracting men/boys.
LOL. As I type this, I am realizing that they should have this same kind of program for adult women. This issue is always a challenge, regardless of your stage in life. The difference here, though, is that an 8 or 10 year old who is not exposed to other options doesn't even know those options exist.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
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