just a question
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just a question
| Mon, 12-26-2005 - 10:25pm |
Hi I am trying to figure out a way to let the guy I am seeing know that I love him but I don't want to tell him yet. Does anyone have any idea how I could do that?? Kaylee thank you for any help :)

Hi,
How long have you beeen dating him? What do you hope to accomplish by this expression? Why the urgency? Do you know if you really love him?
We women seem to have to express everything & sometimes it's ok to just sit with it. The reason I say is because you could scare the guy away or put un wated pressure on him...
Just my 2 cents.
Hi,
I do understand how you feel but IMO, you are still in the honeymoon phase where everyone is on their best behavior. It's not that I am down on love, but be careful. It takes a long time to get to know someone.
Here's a link that has been helpful to me: http://www.barbaradeangelis.com/advice.asp
Here are articles---even though they are not exactly your situation, I am sure you can relate somewhat.
IS THERE SUCH A THING AS FALLING IN LOVE TOO QUICKLY? WHAT DOES IT MEAN IF A PERSON EXPERIENCES THIS OFTEN?
I’m madly in love with my boyfriend, and we’re talking about getting married. My friends think I’m crazy, since we’ve only known each other for about six weeks, but our relationship is perfect! The only thing that makes me a little nervous is that in the past, I have been engaged or lived with two other men, both within the first three months of meeting them. Am I falling in love too fast? How do I slow down?
You are a bona fide "Love-at-first-sight Junkie" !! You are addicted to falling in love, and the instant high it gives you, especially in the beginning of the relationship. Love-at-first-sight junkies are in love with love, and it doesn’t usually take much for you to feel it. Once you get hooked on a new partner, your mental faculties seem to all but disappear, and you say things like "our relationship is perfect" when the truth is, you hardly know the person. And that’s the point. You don’t really want to know him, because if you did, you’d have to take him off of his pedestal and see him as a flawed human being, and that would ruin your fantasy.
I wouldn’t even call what you’re doing ‘falling in love’. It may be more like "falling in lust", or an infatuation with who you think the other person is. You are so commitment hungry that you are looking for a commitment rather than looking for a good relationship. True, some people do know the moment they meet their partner that it is right, but in your case, you’ve made a profession of instant love affairs, so I am pretty sure this isn’t the real thing. And the problem is that once the relationship does become more real, and you are forced to deal with all of the challenges every couple faces, you become disenchanted, feel like you’ve "fallen out of love", and break it off, right?
There are two issues you need to deal with. First, why you keep doing this, and second what to do about your present situation. Let’s talk about the why. "Love-at-first-sight junkies " are usually people with very wounded hearts. I know--I used to be one. When you were small, you probably did not have the loving family you wanted, and in some way felt rejected, abandoned or not good enough. You grow up with this huge, unfulfilled desire to belong, to have someone, anyone , there for you, to fill the emptiness you’ve carried inside you for as long as you can remember. And it doesn’t take much to fill this order. A person comes along, usually someone who is also desperate to feel wanted, and you latch onto each other like two drowning sailors who just discovered a plank of wood floating in the ocean.
If you ever want to have a truly healthy and lasting relationship, and I know you do, you are going to have to face the demon you’ve run from your whole life: your pain. You’re in need of intense emotional healing work. Stop hiding behind your infatuations, and find the courage to look within. There you will find the answers to all your questions and, ultimately, the love you’ve been seeking.
Now , about your boyfriend. You don’t necessarily have to break up with him. Hopefully, you can both do this emotional work together, and actually begin to create a real relationship. But whatever you do, do not live together and do not get married. Don’t even talk about it. Slow down. Date each other, and get to know yourself, as well as the other person. Day by day, week by week, your relationship will grow, slowly, like a tree sprouting from a seed, planting it’s roots firmly in the soil.
*******************************
. WHEN IS THE RIGHT TIME TO START BEING SEXUALLY INTIMATE WITH A NEW PARTNER?
I just met someone I really like, and we've been going out for a few weeks. We seem to be getting really close really fast, and there's a very strong physical attraction between us. When is the right time for us to make love? I don't want to rush things, but I don't want to lose this person either?
Stop....slow down....you hardly know this person. You may be a victim of "lust blindness"--in love with the feeling of passion, and not necessarily the person. You might simply have the hots for him or her. Then again, this may be the soulmate you’ve always been looking for. So...how can you tell which it is? How can you be sure you’re not jumping into something that is all wrong? YOU WAIT....YOU WATCH.....AND YOU POSTPONE HAVING SEX UNTIL YOU CAN’T STAND IT ANY LONGER...AND THEN YOU POSTPONE IT AGAIN.
One of the most common and most deadly mistakes many of us make in relationships is "premature intimacy." Several things happen when you have sex too soon in a relationship. First, your judgment of your partner’s character becomes blinded for a while, since you are sexually intoxicated. It will be very difficult for you to be objective about the new relationship for months after you have sex. You’re swept away by the lust, and perhaps only later do you see the warning signs of trouble you should have paid attention to in the beginning. Second, you are mixing someone else’s energy with yours without really checking him or her out first. Sex is an intense sharing of mind, body and spirit, whether you experience it that way or not. You are merging your energies with those of another person. Do you want to spiritually and psychically merge with just anyone? I didn’t think so. Third, becoming sexually intimate with someone has become a much more serious and possibly deadly undertaking in the past few decades than it used to be in the pre-AIDS era. There is no one hundred percent risk free sex, so you’d better be sure about your partner in every way possible.
Here are my guidelines for deciding when it’s right to become sexual with someone:
· You should be intellectually and emotionally intimate before you are sexually intimate
· You should spend at least twice as much time talking and learning about one another
· as you do necking or fooling around.
· You should like the person. I have a saying:
DON'T SLEEP WITH SOMEONE YOU DON'T WANT TO BECOME LIKE
· You should respect the person and his or her values.
· You should have gone through some difficult times together (one of you was sick, family crisis, job stress) and seen how your partner operates under stress and howhe or she treats you when you are under stress
· You should have discussed birth control, sexually transmitted diseases such as herpes and AIDS, and know as much as possible about your partners sexual history. If you haven't been tested for the AIDS virus, you should do so immediately, and insist that your partner to do the same.
· You should have agreed on what form of birth control and safe sex you are going to use.
· If you are a woman, you should ask yourself:
WOULD I WANT TO HAVE THIS MAN'S CHILDREN? and
WOULD I WANT A SON JUST LIKE THIS MAN?
These questions serve two purposes: first, they remind you that pregnancy is always a possibility, and will ensure that you are careful about birth control; and second, it will help you to be sure that you are ready to become sexually intimate with this man. Whether you actually want children or not, if you don't like this man enough to want children that carry his genes, characteristics and personality, then what are you doing sleeping with this guy?!!
If you are a man, you should ask yourself:
WOULD I WANT THIS WOMAN TO BE THE MOTHER OF MY CHILDREN?......and.....WOULD I WANT A DAUGHTER JUST LIKE THIS WOMAN? Am I really and willing to support a child if this woman became pregnant?
Now you may be thinking that I’ve taken all the fun out of sex. My answer is:
What's fun about getting your heart broken because it turns out the person you slept with is seeing someone else? What's fun about lying in bed at night next to someone you just made love with and feeling alone? What's fun about having been sexually vulnerable with someone only to find out that they lost interest after they got you in bed? What's fun about an unwanted pregnancy? What's fun about finding out your partner gave you herpes or HIV?
Making love can be one of the most beautiful and healing experiences in the world when you experience it with the right person at the right time, but I've seen it cause tremendous pain, humiliation and heartache for people who experience it with the wrong person at the wrong time. Having sex with someone out of the fear of losing him or her is always a mistake. If this person is right for you, he or she will understand and honor your wishes and values.
I recommend you read 2 books: Are you the one for me/BN. DeAngelis & Mars & Venus on a date/John Gray