Learning to Live Again

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
Learning to Live Again
4
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 1:49am

A little over a year ago I was with the man who I thought I would marry and then we'd live happily ever after. Ick. So not the case. Now I have finally moved on and I'm with a man who makes me say "Chris who?" But I'm still dealing with fears and trust issues and all the other baggage and crap that the ex left me with. And on top of all that, I am totally naive when it comes to relationships. So I have a few questions:

1. Is 6 weeks too soon to ask if we are exclusive? Up to this point it hasn't really mattered to me (since I'm sort of afraid of commitment anyway), but then today he texted me and for a moment it occurred to me that he meant to text someone else. I realized that I don't like the idea of him seeing anyone but me and so I'd like it to be exclusive.

2. In the same vein as #1, should I ask him to take down his online profile? We met in real life, but he has been actively online dating - I don't know if he has since we've been dating, but today he mentioned something that told me he still has his account open.

3. How do I inquire about his sexual history without offending him? We have slept together a few times, even though we say each time that we won't do it again...sigh...anyway, I think I have a right to know about his history, as he should know about mine, I just don't know how to bring it up.

Thanks in advance! I'm a total novice with this whole dating/relationship thing. Ugh. Sometimes I think it'd be easier to just stay single :P

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 11:36am

Well, personally, I'm not really comfortable sleeping with someone until we've had the discussion about being exclusive and have agreed that we are. So my thought is that the fact that you're sleeping together is more significant with respect to exclusivity than how long you've been dating. So I would definitely be having that conversation!

As part of that conversation, I include a discussion of what exclusivity means to me and make it clear that taking down profiles is part of that. But it's also important to ask what it means to him and whether he's on the same page about taking down profiles.

And I would also note that exclusivity and sexual monogamy are not the same thing. The first is that you agree not to date (or seek to date) anyone else; the second is that you're not going to have sex with anyone else. So again, you need to clarify your terms with him.

I personally think sexual history is not something you should be discussing. Sexual *health*, OTOH, yes, you should ask about. Asking when the last time he was tested for STDs and letting him know when your last tests were might be a way to start that conversation. I'm curious though--why do you think his history (or yours) is pertinent?

Sheri

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 3:01pm

1. Is 6 weeks too soon to ask if we are exclusive? In my opinion, yes, but everyone is different. What might seem like a very short time to me may seem like an eternity to someone else.

2. In the same vein as #1, should I ask him to take down his online profile? It depends on his response to number one, should you decide to ask him. If he wants to be exclusive with you, then I think you have every right to ask him to take it down. I am assuming this is a dating site though, and not just myspace, etc.

3. How do I inquire about his sexual history without offending him? All you can do is ask. I think a person has a right to ask before they even have sex with a person. I'm not sure about your reason(s) for asking him, but for me, it's a health issue. I think even with the use of condoms there is risk involved.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 4:20pm

Hi Sheri,
I also don't feel comfortable about sleeping with someone before we've had "the talk". But I didn't even plan to sleep with him, period. It just sort of happened. And that's the reason I want to know his sexual history - it's a health issue. Even if he tells me he has been tested and all is fine, I'd feel better about sleeping with someone who has only had a few sexual partners, rather than someone who has had lots. It also says something about his character and his intentions with me, as well. And I don't need or want a commitment right now - he just needs to understand that I will not sleep with him if he is dating anyone else or even still looking, because even if he agrees to not sleep with anyone else, if he is dating the opportunity will be there. After all, he and I didn't plan on it...but things happen.

I think I'll sit him down this weekend and just have it - I'm referring to "the talk," not the sex ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 9:12pm

I think that if your instinct tells you that he's dating other people or open to dating other people, then you have your answer and you don't need to ask him. I usually feel like you just know when you're exclusive or not. You see it in his actions. So you can ask him, but be prepared for the answer, and also be prepared that he might not be totally upfront with you if he doesn't want to lose you. I don't mean to sound callous, and I don't think, even if he is dating other people, that you two won't EVER be exclusive, but that just seems to be the situation at the moment.

I also don't think you should feel bad about sleeping with him. You were both having fun, and as long as you used protection, no harm done. The only problem would be if YOU feel uncomfortable having sex w/o a firm commitment.