Lessons learned - past relationships

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Lessons learned - past relationships
10
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 12:51pm

I have gone out with a guy recently who was previously married and engaged one other time. At first, that made me nervous. The more I think about it, however, I think it might make him more ready for a real relationship because he's been there and might have some wisdom from experience.

We shall see, but it started me thinking about what I've learned from past relationships that I can apply today.

- You truly cannot change someone, so don't try. If you love the person, faults and annoying habits included, then it just might work.

- Listen. Pay attention. People share valuable information about themselves in a variety of ways. Don't just hear and see what you want - pay close attention to what the person is really telling you about him/herself. (i.e. he says he hates kids, he means it; he stands you up three times, he's unreliable).

- You MUST have physical compatibility/chemistry. If you are a sensual/physical person and the other party is not (or vice versa), then it's likely not going to work out.

- You must have your own life. Don't give up the things you love just because your SO might not be into them. The things you love keep you interesting and keep you engaged with life.

- There must be at least a few things you enjoy doing together as a couple. Quality time together is imperative for maintaining a connection with your SO. Try to find things you enjoy doing as a couple.

- Men are not mind readers. If there's something on your mind, you need to TELL him.

Any to add?

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2007
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 2:35pm

Never make someone a priority who is only will to make you an option.

And I read this recently -
"Screwed up people are not more interesting than people with their heads together. Baggage is not fascinating, romantic or exciting. It is very, very tiring. Men who are polite and emotionally mature are hot. Learn it, live it, love it." I think Evan Marc Katz is the author.

If someone is constantly complaining that all their ex's are "psycho", then that someone is usually the common denominator.

~Heather~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 4:54pm

>> Men who are polite and emotionally mature are hot.<<

I LOVE that - yes, so true. Drama is not attractive.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 9:20am
A big one I've learned is that talking about the state of the relationship is a two-way street. If one person in the couple always has to bring up questions like, "where's this going?" "How do you feel about marriage?" and other relationship-centric questions, it's not a good sign. Both parties should be open to discuss where things are going and it shouldn't always have to be an uncomfortable subject. I've learned the value of a man who isn't afraid to say how he really feels when the time is right and not lead you on in silence. If one person isn't asking certain questions it could be because they don't see a future or just don't want to get married at all so it isn't a subject of discussion for them. People tend to focus on what's important to them.
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 3:35pm

I think one that I learned in my early twenties that I've really stuck with (and am proud of) is- if he says he doesn't want to be with you, then he doesn't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 6:49pm
A good one - so true!

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2004
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 7:33pm

Boy can I relate to that one!

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Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 9:09pm

I think it's one of the most unlearned lessons of dating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2005
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 9:19pm

Hey all!
These are all great and oh-so-true!! Here's some to add:

If a man is always "too busy" to spend time with you, let him go. If a man is truly into you, nothing will keep him from spending quality time with you. That 'too busy' crap is the oldest excuse in the book.

If you find yourself ALWAYS making excuses for your guy's flaky behavior, something's wrong. If the writing is on the wall, read it!

When going out on those initial dates, pay close attention to the guy's nonverbals. I am so convinced that body language says a lot about a person's character. Does he make eye contact with you when you two are talking? Do you catch him checking out EVERY woman who walks by? A quick glance is one thing...it's natural. A 'once over' of ever woman in the restaurant is rude and disrespectful.

Does he fidget, check his watch, cell phone a lot? Could mean that he's not really interested in being there with you.

Just some stuff I've picked up on...

Mali

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 10:11pm

I agree with what everyone has said...

1. Actions speak louder than words

2. I've learned to let a guy lead the way at first so you can really gauge his interest. If you are always the one calling and making plans you will never really know if he is with you because it's easy or because he really wants to be with you and if he is willing to make the effort, letting him make the majority of the effort in dating and in a new relationship has proven to be a good indicator to me.

3. This is probably sort of all encompassing, but being in a stressful/one-sided relationship is emotionally exhausting and lonely. It is so much better to be alone than with someone who doesn't make you feel good about being with them most of the time. When you are with someone who doesn't make you feel good about being with them and doesn't treat you well, it's almost like you are constantly trying to fill a void that can never be filled.

4. Stay away from bitter men :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 10:22pm
Pretty much ditto on what everyone else has said. I especially agree with everyone's opinion on the drama. I am so sick of drama. I've been involved in some drama lately, not with my boyfriend, luckily, but in other non-romantic areas of my life, and I HATE it. I just don't get why anyone would ENJOY it. All it does is make me feel drained.



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