Letting her know & what would she think

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2003
Letting her know & what would she think
4
Sun, 08-31-2003 - 1:59am
I'm in my early 30's and I've known this girl for the past 5 years, but just as friends. We got to know each other through a mutual friend and group outings. We had some 1:1 outings in that first year, but not sure if they would be called "dates" or just going out, but we had fun together. I liked her at the time, although I didn't come out and say it. Unexpectedly, she decided to move to another state to pursue her goals. In the past few years, we have remained friends and have kept in touch via e-mail as to what's been happening in our lives. A few months ago, we met for dinner and I realized that I was still very much attracted to her. Through the years as I've gotten to know her more, she impresses me more. In some ways we are very different individuals with our own pursuits at different stages of life, but we tend to admire what we've each done.

We both have individually travelled extensively and are considering taking a long weekend trip together. I would like to let her know that I like her, but would prefer to do so face-face. Not sure what's she feeling or thinking ... whether I'm just a friend, someone to travel with, or if there's any potential. Hard to read as she's personable and has travelled to meet with other male friends.

How should I approach this? Should I let her know before, during, or after the trip? Should I ask her to go on this trip as a "date" or leave it more open-ended? Should I consider some romantic touches? At the same time, I don't want to create an awkward situation. It would be easy to say go with what feels natural, but I'm not sure any of this feels natural to me. I think that we will still be good friends and keep in contact regardless, but recognizing a change would have occurred. And even if she is interested, trying to build a closer relationship long-distance could pose difficult issues as we have strong ties to where we each currently reside.

Any thoughts, advice, pitfalls to avoid, or suggestions?

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sun, 08-31-2003 - 10:06am
We have a theory here. That theory is that if a man is interested in a woman, and he's not a psycho, married, etc., he will ask the girl out. Of course, then we have a man like you saying you're interested in a girl, but don't know how to ask her out. Hmmm...I wonder about that theory sometimes.

You have two choices. Let her know or don't let her know. Only you know which one is good for you, but my thinking is that if you think the friendship will be able to continue, let her know how you feel. It doesn't have to be a huge gesture. You could just sit her down and say "You know, I've been thinking....". You could become more "touchy-feely" with her (tastefully, of course). Put your arm around her, hold her hand, etc. See how she reacts.

Of course, then you have the long distance thing to deal with. If you're willing to put yourself through that, with the possibility of moving later, then go for it. However, if you're not willing to move, then don't expect an actual relationship. You can let her know how you feel without it developing if it comes to that.

Good luck with her, and PLEASE let us know what you decide and how it goes! Hardly anyone does that!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 9:01am
I would say pay attention to her body language. What is it telling you? Is it saying she is interested romantically? What do her eyes say? If you are getting vibes that she is interested romantically, this should make it easier for you to broach the subject. For example, this one time I was spending time with a guy and he apparently thought it was a date (it wasn't). At the end of the evening he made a move to kiss me and I moved away from him. He totally ignored my body language and kissed me anyway. This guy was not a jerk, he was just clueless about body language and signals. If you are similarly clueless I suggest you do some research. Every human should know about this because it is useful! Iri
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 11:55am
I disagree with the others completely. DO NOT sit there and try to be subtle, try to "read" her reactions. You may be wrong! And worse, you may ruin your trip! Be in the moment and enjoy this time with her. Wait until the last dinner together, then look her in the eyes (you know the look I am talking about?) and TELL her. Then there is no time left to be akward, there is no miscommunication and understanding. You don't have to profess your undying love for her, just tell her you'd like to explore a little romance and see what happens...you think the friendship is strong enough to handle it and you are mature enough ;-) Then be quiet and let her talk.

Good luck,

Go.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 11:28pm
Go, when I read your first line, I thought you were going to tell him to grab her and kiss her or something!

I don't think you disagreed with me at all. I don't recommend subtlety, but I do think that feeling her out a little beforehand can make him more confident about his confession. If she squirms a his touch, then that's a sure sign.

I do definitely, 100% agree that he should wait till the last night/day to tell her. Don't ruin a wonderful vacation with tension. Best case senario is that she'll want more, and they'll spend the vacation basking in each other's glow, but that only happens in the movies!