A Lightbulb Moment (Off Topic maybe?)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
A Lightbulb Moment (Off Topic maybe?)
Sat, 04-28-2012 - 5:46pm

Hello folks;

Well Today I was thinking and this is just for me that I am too hard on myself.. I feel like a failure because I dont have too many things going for me right now. But that isnt true its just in my messed uped (sp) head.. I have a degree, I have friends, family, places to go, people to see and I have alot going for me..

All of my life I have always been over the top with getting ahead.. I have always been driven to find the man, the job, the friends, look good , the perfect place to live.. I have always been hard on myself in all ways and most of the time I have had all of these things because I strived to go after all of them.. Even in my 2nd. Bad marriage I refused to give up and stayed around for over ten years because I couldnt fail. I just couldnt..So I got out for other reasons but not for lack of trying and trying so hard..

That is probably why I suffer with things and even wanting someone. I feel like I am not acceptable if I dont have someone because its a sign of failure and its frowned upon in society

Avatar for floridagirl52
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Registered: 10-16-2006
Sat, 04-28-2012 - 10:12pm

I think you are on to something. Too many people struggle with perfectionism and are hard on themselves when they don't measure up.

Not to beat a dead horse, but the author I mentioned to you, Brene Brown has a book all about this called The Gifts of Imperfection. She really wants people to feel that they are "enough", even without the fancy job, perfect children, etc. and stop trying to measure up to some impossible ideal. Here's a link to one of her talks http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4Qm9cGRub0

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Sun, 04-29-2012 - 1:38am

As they say, "You can only be loved by others to the precise extent you love yourself."

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sun, 04-29-2012 - 3:48am

Free, excluding myself, you are in pretty good company here :smileywink:  The next time you are hard on yourself just imagine the kind of advice you'd offer anyone here - you deserve no less. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 04-29-2012 - 11:55am

I think it's a good start--you have to be less hard on yourself and try to accept that this is the way things are for now--but it doesn't mean that it will be the same forever.  I mean look at how many people have been laid off and can't find jobs now--everybody knows it's the economy in general, not that the particular person has something wrong w/ them if they don't have a job.  My friend was working for a big bank for many years & she got laid off--not because she wasn't a good worker but because they were just laying off a lot of people.  Then about a year later, another big bank specifically requested her to come work there in a partcular job because someone there knew her and wanted her for a job that not many people knew how to do--so you see the loss of the 1st job didn't mean that there was anything defective about her.

And you're not a failure in any way because you don't have a BF.  You could look at yourself as a success story because you were able to get out of a bad marriage and recognize that it was bad and not just stay there & suffer for the rest of your life cause you were too afraid to be on your own--don't you see all those stories on IV of women who say they know they are in a bad marriage & should get out but they have never lived alone, don't have a job and don't know what to do?  Instead of beating yourself up for being single, remind yourself that a lot of people are single--you have friends, so you must be a likeable person, so just enjoy what you can.  If you look at the number of guys who are on OLD you can see that there are a lot of other single people around too--so you're not alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sun, 04-29-2012 - 12:48pm

thanks guys and yes I truly want to believe all this things but its the thoughts that get me into trouble with it..

I was listening again to Bryon Katie and of course its always about our thoughts that give us stress and bad information. There was a woman on her show that was talking and saying that she needed a boyfriend.. So after listening to that show she always asks the person. Do you absolutely know that its  true . That you need a boyfriend.. The answer is or course no..

We are def. fueled  thoughts and that is where I fall short.. I try and work on this but those thoughts creep in all the time. Its probably same as the info. Florida gave.. where we are exactly perfect in who we are right now and right here with or without someone.. I know its tough for me to wrap  my head around it though..

sorry I got into something deeper.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Sun, 04-29-2012 - 1:52pm

I read about a technique that goes like this:

1. Choose one thought that reflects what you want in your life.  For instance, "I can easily imagine how great it would be to wake up beside a man I'm totally in love with."

2.  Let that thought fill your mind.

3. Add a related thought, whatever pops into your head.  My next thought would be  "...and who always wakes up hard."  

4. Let that thought fill your mind.

5. Add another related thought...until you've strung together 20-25 of them.  

6. Then go about your day until you hear yourself expressing a negative thought, like "Why don't I have a man in my life?"  When you catch yourself, repeat 1-5 above to "wash away" the negative energy of that one.