A little update on me....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2004
A little update on me....
8
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 11:04am

I wanted to give everyone a little update on my "situation" with the guy I've been hanging out with....it's been about a month now, things seem to be going well, I guess you could call us "dating" but we had a talk a couple of weeks ago and he was honest and said he likes me a lot, but he can't get serious with anyone right now, and he did have a date with someone else, but "no sex with anyone unless I'm exclusive with them."

Well, we had sex the next night...so much for the no sex rule, right? He swears to me I'm the only person he's been with in the past 3 months, and well, I believe him. I appreciate him being honest and up front with me, he doesn't owe me that, but well, I leave for my cruise tomorrow (yay!) and he said "well, if you have sex with anyone, use a condom" and I said "I'm only going to be gone 7 days, I'm not having sex with anyone" and he said "7 days is a long time." and then he said "well if I have sex with anyone, I'll use a condom"

WTF??? Apparently the fact that he's only sleeping with me is null and void if I'm out of the country? I mean, he doesn't owe me anything, he is free to sleep with whomever he wants, but I did some thinking last night and realized that I am not the kind of person that can get involved with someone (sexually speaking) without some type of committment. When he said that last night it just really got me thinking. I was discussing this with my cop friend, and his advice was to keep things how they are but keep the dates short and don't have sex with him every time, but just back off slowly and when he asks me about it, to just tell him that I'm not comfortable sleeping with someone who is sleeping with someone else. He told me "if you tell him you want to slow things down and you guys shouldn't be sleeping together unless you're exclusive, he's going to run". I'm not asking him for a commitment, I'm not giving him an ultimatum, I'm really not asking for anything. This is the first guy that I've gone out with where there has been the attraction on both ends, and I'd like to keep seeing him to see where it goes, but not at the expense of getting hurt. What would you say if you were in my situation?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 11:19am

I think doing what your friend suggests is a pretty sure-fire recipe for you getting hurt.

What you *should* say to this guy is "I've realized we're looking for different things, it's been fun, see ya".

Have fun on your trip...and consider that if you end it before you go, you can use the 7 days as a jump start on being ready to meet someone new who wants the same things you do!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 11:31am
That's a tough one...I, too, would feel kind of skeeved out at the idea of sleeping with someone who is also sleeping with someone else.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 11:33am
On second thought, nevermind....I like Sheri's suggestion better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2004
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 11:49am

Ah, that's why it's nice to be a woman, we can change our minds so easily ;) I do know that I need to talk to him and well, I like him, but I like me better :) I would like to keep dating him but things definitely need to slow down...who knows though, I may meet a guy on the cruise that will sweep me off my feet and I'll forget all about this one!

My friend on another board said "maybe he's saying that because he's nervous about you going...you're going to be gone for a week with a girlfriend and he's nervous about what may happen" but I'm not so sure about that...it's just been forever since there's been a mutual attraction, but at the same time, I'm not going to wait around for him to decide he just wants to see me, you know?

Thanks for the advice ladies! Always appreciated and I'll keep you all updated!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 12:32pm

>>I like him, but I like me better<<

I *love* that!! Great attitude. I think too many women get so wrapped up in the guy that they forget to love themselves first and look out for their own needs as well as the guy's.

My first reaction to him saying "7 days is a long time" was that seven days seems like a long time to *him*. As if he was saying that he'd have sex for sure if he went on a seven-day cruise.

That may not be it - he could be jealous or worried that you will, but that was just my first thought.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2005
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 1:07pm
If you are not willing to be in a casual sex type of relationship I say dump him before you leave on your trip. He already told you he is not looking for a relationship so what is the point of holding on to him if what you are looking is the very thing he doesn't want. Like the other poster wrote, start your vacation fresh and break up with him this way you won't be on your vacation worrying and thinking the what if's of this guy.
BABY #3!!
 
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Fri, 02-03-2006 - 12:49am

I think you need to figure out what you really need and want. On the one hand you say you're not the type of person to get involved with someone sexually without a commitment, but on the other hand you say that you are not asking him for anything and appear willing to continue to sleep with him with no commitment.

If you are not the type of girl to have sex without a commitment, then be her and don't be apologetic about it. Tell him what you want. You may happily find that he feels the same way. And if he doesn't, well, then you're better off having that knowledge too before you give him more of your heart (and body!)

Be true to yourself, and you will be alright.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Fri, 02-03-2006 - 8:57am

You're probably gone to your cruise right now but just in case you read this when you get back, I'd say cut things off with this guy. I just have this theory that things shouldn't be that hard and when you're wanting a commitment in general but not asking him for one, there's something not right about that. Especially if he knows that.

I'm hoping seven days away will give you that perspective!

Happy Sailing!