Lonely and Hopeless

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2005
Lonely and Hopeless
12
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 9:40am
I don't even know what I want to say. I guess I'm just kinda depressed right now and very lonely. I broke up with my most recent boyfriend about 1 1/2 yrs ago... and I really haven't been in a relationship sincde - and haven't even dated much. At this point, I feel pretty hopeless and own on myself. I have a great personality and a great sense of humor and many friends - but guys just don't seem to like me. I feel very unattractive. I can't figure this out. I'm at the point where it seems that everybody else is either married or in a serious relationship and am convinced that this will never happen for me. I'm so scared of being alone and that nobody will love me. I've liked the same guy for quite awhile now - probably too long. I've managed to become friends with him, but it seems like I'm totally down the "friends track" and nothing more... Then I see my friends "crushing" on a guy and something happens within weeks... Why can't I do this?? What is it about me? I can see that I have a very bad attitude about this but really can't see it any other way. I feel very "unlikeable"...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 10:02am

Hey, hey, hey! Chin up!

Honestly, though, just because you're not dating much or because you're single doesn't mean that guys don't like you...I've been single for three and a half years and have barely dated at all in the last 6-8 months or so. It's driving me a little crazy, since I actually ENJOY dating and think it's one of the better parts of being single and I'm not actually DOING it (and my last two dates were ridiculous...one wasn't so bad, but with a guy who is so completely not my type and the other was with a guy who felt the need to bring his twin brother along, so I sat in between them all night....WAY too weird), but I chalk it up to bad luck, not that guys don't like me. We all have droughts once in a while.

There's something to be said for the vibes people give off...I think I haven't dated in so long because up until March or so, I wasn't technically unavailable, but I FELT unavailable. I was still in contact with a guy I'd dated last summer and I just wasn't all that into meeting anyone else. When we finally broke it off and he started seeing someone else, I miraculously started attracting guys when I went out (though nothing has gone beyond flirting yet). It sounds to me as though you're giving off a negative vibe and it might be affecting your ability to attract men. I know it's easier said than done to just tell you NOT to do it, but that's just my two cents.

Is there any reason you couldn't tell this guy you've liked that you'd like to go out on a date with him, to try and see where things go that way?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2005
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 10:26am

:-) Thanks so much for your kind words...

I do agree that I am probably giving off a negative vibe... I am so insecure right now that I imagine it must be blatantly obvious to the people around me! I get so nervous about "doing the right thing" that I usually don't do anything at all...

As for this guy, literally - it's almost embarrassing to admit it - but I've liked him since September... We're in law school together... I didn't even speak to him until the end of the semester in December... In January, when classes started again, I'd invite him to come along with me and my friends when we went out, and he'd join us... My friends loved him and he got along really well with them... So, we hang out occasionally - and are definitely good friends - but he rarely initiates anything... Up until recently (he's been fairly sick for the past month), he'd come out whenever I invited him anywhere - but never invites me out... I'm almost positive that he knows I like him - i haven't exactly been secretive about it around my friends (I think I need to keep things more private in the future)... I'm just so scared to ask him out... I guess I feel that, if he liked me, he'd have done something about it by now... The general opinion of his friends is that he's really lousy with girls - he hasn't dated anybody (that I'm aware of) since I've known him and really doesn't seem that interested in starting a relationship with anybody... But that excuse can only go so far... I just feel that, if he liked me, he'd have done something about it by now... Ugh!!! And, my constant "obsession" with him has basically made me oblivious to other guys... I think I've managed to get myself in quite the rut... And to top all of that off, we'll go full circle to the insecurity issue... It's making me feel even worse that I like this guy so much and he's not into me - makes me feel like there really IS something wrong with me... My one girlfriend - who was kinda in the same position as me - decided three weeks ago that she had a crush on one of my friends - and they've already hooked up! It just doesn't happen that way for me... I think that's what brought about this recent feeling of hopelessness...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 10:44am

Yep, I hear you. Things that seem so effortless to some people are ridiculously difficult for others (myself included). My friends just seem to stumble upon relationships. It bothered me up until a little while ago, but I've FINALLY learned to be ok with being alone...so believe me, I know where you're coming from! The girl who the aforementioned guy is now dating broke up with her boyfriend of five years in January and bam! is dating him now. Meanwhile, we dated for a summer after my being single for three years and therefore having minimal baggage but....nope, no such luck.

My advice is to talk to this guy about it, ask him out, IF you think he won't get all freaky about it after that and you think you'll be able to stay friends with him (which I assume you would since you think he already knows you like him anyway). That way you'll either be dating him or will be able to put it behind you (eventually) and feel more available again. Again, I know it's definitely easier said than done, though. Do you guys ever go out just the two of you?

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 10:54am

The fact that this guy hasn't asked you out doesn't mean you're not attractive. He may not be attracted to anyone really, maybe he's got some major issues holding him back, maybe he's gay.

I would advise you to not ask him out. I agree with you: if it were going to happen, seems like it would have happened by now. I don't think it's a good idea for a woman to get into the role of the initiator, especially in the beginning. I know there are people who will disagree with me on this. I say, when you know you're going to see him, dress as sexy as you can and flirt a little.

But you know, sometimes I think when you're going through a dry spell it's not your fault, you're not giving off negative vibes, etc. Don't beat yourself up about that. Having said that, though, I believe that "chance favors the prepared mind" so you are more likely to meet men when you are thinking positively in that vein. But you can't always be positive everyday.

Hey, and don't worry about your friends who are seemingly so able to hook up. See how they're doing in those relationships a year from now. You don't sound like a party girl who just wants to date indiscriminately, so it can be a long search for a meaningful relationship.

I just think women take on too much responsibility for meeting someone, and blame themselves unnecessarily.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 10:58am

May I try adding an observation? I never did the collage thing, but one of my younger cousins . .he had 4 years done when he was 20 years old . .advanced classes, summers quite a smart kid, hard working . . .then he tried law school . . .he lost almost 30 lbs in 90 days or so and dropped out. Not an easy thing, law school.

My point is, this guy . .don't assume if he liked you he would have a clue what to do about it. He is likely the type who has placed school in front of his social life and has very little experience if any with girls. (-: My advise if he really seems a nice man, take a shot and take control. Tell him you are fine being his friend, but you would love to be more, tell him you want to jump him . . lol . ..

I see the very fact you are surviving and thriving in law school as a very real and possible factor regarding social experience. (-: I was a good Marine, it without question was socially arresting to my dating experience and life. (-;

I have feeling I see two people who are working really hard, and just haven't gotten a good balance of social dating mixed in for a while, and in his case, ever? Take a chance with him, make a big, huge bold first move. (-: Best case it turn out great, worst case it frees you up to look elsewhere and removes you from your rut.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2007
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 11:00am

Well, it seems he hasn't really dated anyone and is slow moving so you can't put it all on yourself to create a relationship with him. It takes two and you can only change yourself, not others. I am one who thinks life is too short, you could talk to him about it, but for him it might just be friends. He might not want to get involved. You might never know unless you ask. You might not like the answer, but maybe he'll surprise you. The worst that can happen is he is really only interested in friendship. This doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. The positive is at least you will know and you can move on to someone who really cares instead of trying to figure out what is his deal.

I wasted a long time with my heart set on a guy who always flirted and gave me hints, but never made a move. I realized he was a player and never dated me because he held me in "hi regard" (or something like that he said). Considering the crazy women he was dating, maybe I got lucky being in the friends box. We are still friendly, and I now wonder what I was thinking.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 12:44pm

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! First date with twins??? You GOTTA share that experience!

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 1:02pm

I know, it's crazy, no?? Some people just shouldn't be ALLOWED to date...or should take an etiquette class or something of the like. I was literally chuckling to myself the entire time; I obviously knew it wasn't going anywhere, but it was such a hilarious story that it didn't even matter. :)

Anyway, I'll refrain from hijacking this thread and post another.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2005
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 2:27pm

Thank you all so much... I know I probably am being hard on myself... Sometimes I just worry that my ex-boyfriend was the "end all, be all" - like nobody will ever want to be with me again. It is encouraging to know that other people know where I'm coming from... I want to learn to accept me the way things are - I mean, can I really expect others to do that if I can't do that for myself?

As for the law school thing, it definitely has affected my social life... most of the people I hang out with right now are in law school too... and we do go out and have a good time, but I know that, for all of us, our main priority is making it through our last year and finding jobs... And we're all working really hard this summer, too... My ex and I broke up 2 months into law school - a great deal of our arguments were because i was stressed out and couldn't deal with him being so carefree when i was so overwhelmed (it was selfish of me, but it was also hard not to be at the time)...

I think for now, I want to work on myself - my own self-confidence and being comfortable with myself... I think that will help me overall, and especially with my relationships with guys... I guess I have to start somewhere, and maybe that's what i can actually have control of right now...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 3:00pm

>>My ex and I broke up 2 months into law school - a great deal of our arguments were because i was stressed out and couldn't deal with him being so carefree when i was so overwhelmed (it was selfish of me, but it was also hard not to be at the time)...

I suppose by technical definition, it would be selfish, but I don't see it that way. I have friends in law school and it's difficult to so much as talk to them when they're in school, I can't imagine trying to have a relationship with someone in the same situation. One of them does have a boyfriend, but only because he's in law school with her!

As for thinking your ex was the end all be all...I think many of us find ourselves there at times, too. I never really think anyone's "it" for me, but I find myself frustrated and impatient when something ends with someone I really liked and thought there could be potential with.

I think working on yourself and being ok alone is a good idea. Good luck. :)

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