Lonliness?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Lonliness?
14
Thu, 06-26-2003 - 10:59am
Hello, I have just split with ex-gf of 1.5 yrs. It was a mutual choice that we had pondered for a long time. I took a lot of time to think about it, and decided that I had tried and tried and tried, and it was just not going to work. After we split, she spiked up and down for the last few days. First begging to get back saying that she would do anything, and everything was her fault. I declined, calmly stating that I thought we were tried out, and it was not fair to her to do everything, especially when I was feeling so numb and unreceptive. 2 nights ago, after she gave it one final try- to no avail, she took to the personal ads and left them all over for me to see. The she wrote a page in my journal stating that she had actually been cheating with her ex-bf, and packed some bags to go stay with him, stating that they talked but were going to give it another try. She said that she always loved him, it was hard to love me, and that she finally felt like she could be happy with him. Which was really weird, because she said all of those things about me for the last few nights. So anyway- I guess the drama has just gotten to me. I was really hoping that she could act grown up over this since we live together, but maybe she is just trying to hurt me, since I have apparently hurt her. So I am feeling bad, and a little lonely, but I know it is not right to be back with her. I know that- this is too crazy. Is time the only key? Should I just seek to widen the space between us, and steer clear in order to move on?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: blue_blue_blue
Thu, 06-26-2003 - 11:10am
"Is time the only key? Should I just seek to widen the space between us, and steer clear in order to move on?"

in a word: yes.

you've been so close to her and you've invested so many ideas about the future with her that removing her from your life is like taking away an arm or a leg.

it'll take a while to get used to your new situation, and when you finally do, i predict that you'll see how right you were in your choice of action.

good luck to ya

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: blue_blue_blue
Thu, 06-26-2003 - 11:54am
Time isn't the only key, but it's a big one. There have been times that I thought it was the end of the world when I broke up with someone, but over time, that feeling goes away. The other thing is that you need to find something else to occupy that former "couple" time. Pick up another hobby or just spend more time with your friends. Otherwise, you have all this empty time to feel lonely.

I think you made the right decision. From your description, she doesn't sound like she was mature enough to be in a relationship. If she did hop back to an ex, then it won't last long and be prepared for her to try to hop back to you. She could be needy, which is always trouble!

Good luck, and welcome to the board!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
In reply to: blue_blue_blue
Thu, 06-26-2003 - 1:31pm
Thanks very much. Yes, needy she is. You are right- I need to occupy my time- and get used to a new routine I guess. I too know that the feeling goes away in time- but it is tough. This is not the first time I have been through this. Thanks for the support- I really appreciate it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
In reply to: blue_blue_blue
Thu, 06-26-2003 - 6:06pm
Why would you want someone that treats you like that? No one deserves to be told all the things that you were told. Yes, time is the only key. Time and patience! The only thing you can do is stay to your normal tasks and do what you were doing when you two were still together, just not with her.

Natasha

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
In reply to: blue_blue_blue
Thu, 06-26-2003 - 6:29pm
Oh man it gets even worse- please help me!!!

Oh man- then she just calls and was crying and appoligetic, saying that she only had dinner with this ex bf, and that this makes her want to try so hard to work things through with me, and she sees that she does not want to be with him. She said that she made everything up because it is the only way to get me to care. That she did not cheat. She has in the past with other boyfriends, but not with me- so this must show me that she really cares, because she is changing. This is just crazy. She says that she knows she has a problem with insecurity and trusting because her father cheated on and left her mother. I can totally understnad that, but it is not my issue- it is hers. I have urged her to get some professional help with these things and to be honest with herself and her therapist if she expects to make any progress. I told her that I would be there to support her, but that we needed to keep some space and let it happen (IE, she is staying at her mom's). She actually told me that there was a time in her life when she was trustworthy, trusting, calm, peaceful and caring. It made me cry, because I have never known her like that. What to do? I know this is her problem and she needs to fix it for the good of herself. Should I just remain supportive to her without enabling her? I have no desire to start a new relationship, so there is no sense of urgency to me. I just know that I cannot live with the pace and the turmoil that has been created. Advice please!!!!!! Has too much transpired to be able to rebuil? Would I be better off cutting the cord and taking care of myself? Or some happy medium, without bending over backwords for her? I am confused.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: blue_blue_blue
Thu, 06-26-2003 - 6:33pm
Ugh, this type of stuff is hard! You are absolutely right, though, that this is HER issue to deal with.

I think what I'd probably do is ask for a three-month break during which you do not have contact and she goes to counseling. Then at the end of that time, you see what's up, and if both of you want to try again, you go to couples counseling together.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
In reply to: blue_blue_blue
Thu, 06-26-2003 - 7:03pm
Good idea- that sounds like something I am comfortable with. I guess that would show if she truly cared to change, or if she was just out for instant gratification, or to prevent feeling lonely.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
In reply to: blue_blue_blue
Thu, 06-26-2003 - 9:55pm
I'm sorry, but this woman has no dignity. If she did, she would leave the relationship with some grace and class, instead of doing the immature and manipulative things she has done. You can have peace of mind now that you did the right thing by breaking up with her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
In reply to: blue_blue_blue
Thu, 06-26-2003 - 11:08pm
Thim said that "time is the only key". My suggestion is to cut her off completely -- no phone calls, email, etc. If you have to change your phone number and/or move, do it.

That way, there will be no reminders of her anywhere and it will be easier for time to do its work. Find a new hobby, job, class, or something to take the time that you used to spend with her.

Just more suggestions...

Hang in there.


summer 2010 sig by Tara

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: blue_blue_blue
Thu, 06-26-2003 - 11:27pm
What did I tell ya?? She's crawling back. A little sooner than I thought, but I figured she would.

She's playing games with you. Don't try to help her out. I suspect you've done that enough by this point. She's pulling you down! Even if you don't want to date right now, the longer you stick with her, the longer it will be until you're over her.

Stay strong, and sever all ties.

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