Looking at things differently

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Looking at things differently
8
Tue, 07-02-2013 - 9:11pm

I'm sure I do complain a lot about going out & not getting dates and I usually think of myself like "No one wants to date me" however the fact is that guys have asked me out recently, it was just guys I was not interested in.  Last Fri> (as I posted in my other post) I was at a club and a guy asked me for a date but he seemed kind of creepy to me, so I said no.  A few weeks ago in the same club a man from Senegal asked me out--he was a lot nicer, but I was just not interested or attracted.  And way back in March I had met this guy who was hosting a meetup--we had talked on the phone for a while before I met him in person, which was a pot luck dinner at his house.  I thought he might be good--he was nice & funny.  Unfortunately then when we met, I was instantly not attracted to him and he did make a comment that I thought was dumb about women getting things easy in divorces--there were a bunch of divorced women at this party who probably all disagreed with him!  But when people were starting to leave, he asked me if I wanted to go for a walk on the beach--his house was literally right on the beach.  But first of all it was March--pretty cold, which is not my idea of good beach walking weather and I was wearing boots!  Then I didn't want to encourage him.  But I'm sure he was interested in me.  So in 4 mos., I probably could have dated 3 guys there.  So it's the dilemma that probably most people do have--the people who like me, I don't like and the ones that I like aren't interested.  But I suppose it's better for my ego to remind myself that at least some guys like me.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Tue, 07-02-2013 - 10:10pm

I can somewhat empathize.  I have the same if not similar problem.  The guys who ask me out, I'm just not attracted to them.  Either they are creepy, very crass, or they want an "instant mom" to their kids.  At one point I convinced myself that I just wasn't dateable.  But then a friend of told me something that I wish to relay to you, "there's nothing wrong with you.  You have standards & you refuse to settle."  It made me feel better.  When I was young & stupid, I would settle just to say I had a boyfriend and wasn't single.  But now, I'd much rather be single than be in an unhappy relationship.  Especially to a guy that I'm NOT attracted to mentally or physically.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 07-03-2013 - 5:14am
And standards are much higher in your 50's than they were in your 20's when all that was important is that you were "with somebody" As they say "with age comes wisdom"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 07-03-2013 - 10:32am

I so agree with that.  I have a pretty happy life being single--a lot of friends & things to do.  Plus I made a big mistake w/ my 2nd DH and Ithink a lot of that was having very low self esteem so I went for this guy who was very attracted to me but had many issues.  Now I know what I want and I don't want to get stuck w/ another problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Wed, 07-03-2013 - 11:14am

Its just a date for fun... You dont have to get into a serious thing or marry them.. You dress up , have fun, flirt and the old cliche you might meet someone they know , brother, cousin, friend and maybe find someone through them you like..

The bigger the social circle gets the better it is but first the comfort zone we have has to go ...

Most people will never meet anyone or do anything if they dont get out of the comfort zone.. Those are pure facts.. Not saying to date a serial killer  but one date wont kill anyone..

Expand horizens and do things out of the box and see what happens but most people wont and then they complain they are alone or cant find a date..

JUST SAYING.....

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 07-03-2013 - 2:23pm

No, no, no.  There are some guys who are "in the middle" let's say where I'm not totally excited about them, but they seem like a nice guy so maybe I'd take a chance & see if I liked the person.  We are not talking about that kind of person!  First of all, I am more wary about giving my number to a guy from a club where I haven't really had the chance to talk to him cause the music is so darn loud that you have to yell at each other (I really have to stop going to this club that I don't really like) but when I am dancing with a guy and he is trying to put his hands lower & lower on my rear and basically saying that he likes curvy women--well, what kind of a date do you think this guy wants to go on?  Yeah, he'll be anxious for the movie to end so he can ask me to come back to his place---and will probably be quite disappointed when I say no.  I am not going to get into that situation.  Don't you think it's kind of unfair also to go on a date with someone when you know that you are totally unattracted to him?  Would you let him pay for the date?  Or would you say let's go as friends.  With the guy who had the beach house, I might have tried to be friends with him except that he suddenly disbanded the meetup group cause his mom (who lived there) got very sick.  But I see he is back on OLD. 

 I guess in my old age here, I'd rather just spend time with my girlfriends than have a horrible date just to be with a man.  I don't feel like I'm excessively picky, just by now I know what I like & don't like.  Now my one friend who does always want to go to this club, is very attractive to men so she always gets asked out.  Just in the last few months, she dated this very handsome Egyptian guy (who I met) who seemed like a good catch but turns out he was married or had a GF and my friend was the woman on the side.  then the next guy is from Brazil and I don't know why, but she got mad at him for something, so he was out.  Last week she met someone else--he was a good looking guy too but who needs all that drama?  She was hurt by the last BF so I think she is trying to avoid a real relationship--instead she just has all these flings and has sex with them all too.  I don't think I could handle that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 07-03-2013 - 2:59pm

And you know my SIL is in her 50's and has been single for a long time and has basically stopped dating over the past few years because the way she puts it is "If you're not willing to jump in the sack with a guy after the 2nd or 3rd date they just stop calling"

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Wed, 07-03-2013 - 3:51pm

@Musiclover: I agree. My sentiments exactly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 07-03-2013 - 4:26pm

I wouldn't mind jumping in the sack w/ someone if I was really attracted to him--in fact, I'd go right for it.  But with someone I am not that sure about, I'd rather wait.