Love yourself?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2004
Love yourself?
16
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 3:24pm

I'm sure you've all heard the old saying, no one else will love you until you love yourself. Is this true?

I guess I'm somewhat of a pessimist by nature, things tend to affect me more then they should sometimes, I dwell on things too much, I over analyze and just think WAY too much sometimes.

My massage therapist/good friend told me about The Secret several months ago and I'm sure by now most of you have heard of it thanks to Oprah....he said that it's changed his life, and I really want to believe that it's as simple as just changing your way of thinking, but my somewhat negative nature makes it extremely difficult for me to think positively. Daily affirmations, envisioning what you want out of your life, the kind of things you want, in great detail, is it really that easy? This is when the pessimist in me comes out, but reading the stories on the website of people that have done it and how great their lives are now, and watching the movie and reading the book really makes me want to believe, but is it really that easy? Has anyone else tried it? How to you make yourself believe you are worthy and deserving of everything you want out of life and not come down hard when a relationship fails, or you don't lose those 5 pounds, or your financial life isn't as healthy as you want it?

I'm just tired of this emotional rollercoaster I've been on for the past couple of weeks. One minute I'm in a great mood and then I'm just rather melancholy about everything.




Edited 4/9/2007 3:37 pm ET by rebainmi
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
In reply to: rebainmi
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 3:57pm

>I guess I'm somewhat of a pessimist by nature, things tend to affect me more then they should sometimes, I dwell on things too much, I over analyze and just think WAY too much sometimes. <

OMG you just described me to a tee! I've always thought "If I could just shut up that damn inner voice I'd be fine!" But it's always there - criticizing, nagging, telling me what I "should" have done, etc. How do you shut that up?

(No I'm not schizophrenic nor do I have a duel personality - I'm just hypercritical of myself I guess. Furthermore, I would never in a million years be as critical to another person as I am to myself. So why do I do it? I dunno. Because I expect better of myself, I guess.)

ANYway - I stood there in Best Buy this weekend and read through "The Secret." I had heard of it somewhere, can't remember where - but I flipped through it.

Honestly, it wasn't anything I hadn't already heard before. Be positive, think happy thoughts, learn to trust and love yourself, and so forth. I didn't buy it (the book, I mean).

I don't know what the answer is. I think I answered it when I said that "I would never be as critical of another person as I am with myself." Maybe we are too hard on ourselves. We can't be perfect because we're human beings.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: rebainmi
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 4:17pm

I started practicing the principles in The Secret about 5 yrs ago when I was out of work for several years. I was part of a support group based on the book "Excuse Me, Your Life is Waiting." I did not immediately get rich or even a job from this. I did started focusing on being positive and practicing gratitude. I was accountable every week to share with the group what things in my out-of-work life that I was grateful for. That in itself was powerful. No, it is not the "magic bullet" or that easy.

I recommend a more down-to-earth book not so woo-woo as The Secret. "Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment" by Martin Seligman. He also wrote, "Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life."

Good luck,
Mark
----

Review excerpt: "Seligman makes the point that pleasure in itself is not the road to happiness. As we all know, pleasure is fleeting, and pursuing it can easily turn into addiction or futility. Instead Seligman identifies and values a set of nearly universal virtues which he believes lead to deep and lasting gratification. These include wisdom and knowledge, courage, love and humanity, justice, temperance, spirituality and transcendance. "The good life," he writes, "is using your signature strengths every day to produce authentic happiness and abundant gratification."

What I liked most about this book is that it made me feel good about myself, other people, and the "simple" virtues that make up much of the fabric of life, but which are often ignored and devalued. Kindness, tolerance, competence, interpersonal skills, a work ethic, and faith emerge as vital ingredients of a good, gratifying, happy life.

Authentic Happiness is not a miracle cure for all unhappiness. It is, however, a wise, well-informed, and extremely valuable guide to a more grounded, heartfelt and gratifying life."

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
In reply to: rebainmi
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 5:11pm

To be honest, I think it may work for some people, but probably not for me.

As one person already stated, it has the usual things in there about feeling positive, being happy, yadda yadda.

Myself, I honestly can not think of too many reasons to feel positive. With all that's happened to me over the years, I have been on the "Emotional rollercoaster" for many, many years. One minute I will be in a good mood, but the next minute I will just be off in a daze wondering why such and such had to happen, or why nothing in my life happened the way I planned. I honestly wonder sometimes why I was put on the face of this planet. I really just feel like I have no purpose here other than to be a pest to everyone else. But that's just me.

I read a book similar to that a few years back,but for some reason, I can't think of the name of it. More recently, I tried reading one of Dr. Phil's books, but just lost interest in it. Maybe I'm just beyone the help of books LOL

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: rebainmi
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 5:18pm

One of the key events that changed my life was going through several personal growth workshops. I agree that one can only learn and change so much from reading just books. That is why I thought having a support group was critical in helping me.

I also went through the personal growth workshops which were highly experiential and therefore very powerful in effecting change for me.

I went thru Wings which is a local company here in Oregon (www.wings-seminars.com). I am sure others here on the board can point you to others.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
In reply to: rebainmi
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 5:57pm

I've never heard of "The Secret," but I can imagine what the concept is. I know it's hard to do, and it's trite, but you really DO have to love yourself. I try to think of it this way: I've screwed up a thing or two in my life (some BIG things, too), but my family and friends love me anyway. So why should I not love myself, despite the fact that I'm not perfect? Know what I mean?

But, like I said, it's not easy, and I totally beat myself up a lot more than I should, so I can definitely relate.













iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
In reply to: rebainmi
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 7:31pm
This is a tough one. It's easy to feel good and be positive when things are going well in your life which I have mastered, but when there are hardships, now that's a different story. I noticed that when I go through those periods of hardships I have a difficult time getting out of the slumps and like you, I have lots of ups and downs. Some days I feel on top of the world and other days I feel like it's the end of the world. I have done a lot of counseling and support group work too which does help like mhash suggests but for some reason it still never completely took away some of that pain that I had going on with unfortnnate events that I had in the past years. The only thing I can really say is that life events do change and things do get better eventually. There are ups and downs and when you are in the downs try to practice gratitude and make sure to take care of yourself as much as you can, do nice things and keep a book of daily affirmations handy that you can carry with yourself. Reversing the negative thinking and practicing doing that as much as you can is the best way to get past these hardships and just know that things do get better and life goes through cycles. Circumstancial sadness is hard to control and just because things are rough doesn't mean we are depressed but there are ways we can try to get ourselves out of those slumps if we recognize what makes us feel good and keep doing those sorts of things. Hugs, I read your previous post on going through a breakup. I'm sorry to hear that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2004
In reply to: rebainmi
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 8:55pm

Thank you biochic, you dsecribed so much of how I feel. This weekend, I felt so great on Saturday, I was with my friends, things with the boy were cool and we were old pals again and it was a really fun time, and on Sunday it started out good then towards the end of the night I just could feel myself kind of coming down, but I'm just going to keep lists of what makes me happy, positive things about myself, etc., and it's going to be hard but I hope that with time, it will get easier. It is definitely MUCH easier when you have a lot of things to be excited about, that's for sure!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
In reply to: rebainmi
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 9:47pm
It does take time for things to get easier but they do eventually and practice makes perfect. Making that list is a great start and always remember to repeat those positive affirmations as many time as you can during the day when you start feeling down.
It is easier when you have things to look forward to. Start planning some small trips with your friends and maybe plan some dinner parties etc etc. Keeping busy and having fun keeps you sane :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
In reply to: rebainmi
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 9:25am
That's true, too - one thing I've learned and heard somewhere along the way is, "Would you call your best friend fat?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
In reply to: rebainmi
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 9:32am

Sonic, have you ever been evaluated for depression?

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