Love yourself?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2004
Love yourself?
16
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 3:24pm

I'm sure you've all heard the old saying, no one else will love you until you love yourself. Is this true?

I guess I'm somewhat of a pessimist by nature, things tend to affect me more then they should sometimes, I dwell on things too much, I over analyze and just think WAY too much sometimes.

My massage therapist/good friend told me about The Secret several months ago and I'm sure by now most of you have heard of it thanks to Oprah....he said that it's changed his life, and I really want to believe that it's as simple as just changing your way of thinking, but my somewhat negative nature makes it extremely difficult for me to think positively. Daily affirmations, envisioning what you want out of your life, the kind of things you want, in great detail, is it really that easy? This is when the pessimist in me comes out, but reading the stories on the website of people that have done it and how great their lives are now, and watching the movie and reading the book really makes me want to believe, but is it really that easy? Has anyone else tried it? How to you make yourself believe you are worthy and deserving of everything you want out of life and not come down hard when a relationship fails, or you don't lose those 5 pounds, or your financial life isn't as healthy as you want it?

I'm just tired of this emotional rollercoaster I've been on for the past couple of weeks. One minute I'm in a great mood and then I'm just rather melancholy about everything.




Edited 4/9/2007 3:37 pm ET by rebainmi
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
In reply to: rebainmi
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 11:24am
Well I haven't read the secret nor seen the movie. But after my husband left me for his mistress 8 years ago, I was at the lowest point in my life, my self esteem was in the toilet and all I did was cry and a lot of bad things happened to me at the same time, I went to a seminar for work and at the seminar they sold tapes among those tapes were "Self Esteem and Peak Performance" I bought them, they were a bit expensive but I really felt at that point I had nothing else left to lose I was in the doldrums. I listened to the affirmations everyday on my way home from work and repeated them outloud. They were TREMENDOUS in getting my life back on track and I really do attribute much of my happiness to those tapes. I gave them to my dad at a particularly low point in his life and I saw first hand a shift in his outlook it was like a lightswitch had turned in his persona. So I do think there is something to be said about positivity.

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
In reply to: rebainmi
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 11:44am

Okay, your message is so eerie to me... something I could have written myself. I, too, have been riding "The Secret" wave, reading the book, watching the documentary, etc. I just finished the documentary Sunday and after watching it I was SO jived up and really want to believe in the things discussed in it. Most importantly that I can let go of all the things from my past that I feel like define me. From childhood to present! I can view life in a positive light and it will give back to me all the things I ask for! YES, I want that!

Then later that night I felt negatively about my current situation and fell into this deep dark hole of realizing I might WANT to live "the secret" but unless I experience a lobotomy, my mind will never allow me to NOT over analyze situations and agonize over stuff. It's who I am - it's who I've always been. I'm too critical - mostly of myself but just in general.

My therapist tells me my two biggest obstacles are "how do I deal with accountability" - for instance, knowing my boss and coworker are acting inappropriately bugs me more than it does/would most people because I can't stand when those around me aren't acting appropriately and being accountable for their actions (stems from my mother's affairs while growing up, knowing about them as a young child, and her lack of being accountable to me) and "how I deal with my expectations/perceptions" meaning when someone doesn't act the way I would or think they should - how do I deal with that? For instance, my boyfriend's mother needed help this past week getting her car to the dealership for maintenance... he wasn't able to help and when he called to tell her I was going to help he was crabby and not very nice, asking if she'd made an appointment, she hadn't and I think she felt "attacked" so I tried to "fix" the situation and called her - left a message saying I was off work for the day and more than happy to help her out... SHE never returned my call, HE didn't ask her why she didn't at least call me back when he finally talked to her and Saturday when we went to lunch with his parents SHE didn't even mention my offer to help. MOST PEOPLE would shrug it off because "that's how his parents are" or you can't expect her to act the way I would (call and at least THANK the person for offering) - but I let the action (or inaction) of that other person consume me and really affect my feelings. Not sure how to change that within myself!?! I mean people have TOLD me how to not take things personal and lower expectations, etc. etc. but that doesn't mean I magically change.

The other thing you all discussed is being more critical of self than of others... yep... ya know how some people do things... like I have a girlfriend (who has 4 kids) that just married a guy she's only known 6 months... and while I'm like "yikes that's CRAZY" I also would NEVER say that to her - or make HER feel bad or weird for what she's done. I just want to be supportive and loving to her. But when *I* do something that I feel others would view "oddly" (because of my own perception of it) for instance, moving in with my boyfriend - I don't feel 100% okay with it and therefore didn't and don't want many people to know... why I don't feel like I deserve the same "grace" from others that I give... I don't know! It's like I think *I* should know the right thing and always do and say the right things and anything less makes ME less! WHY? I don't know!

Recently I've started to think even therapy can't help me because I am involved with the best therapist I've ever known and don't seem to be getting too much better!?!?!? Hence the lobotomy being the only option! :p

Maybe I'm destined to always be EXACTLY who I am... and why is that so bad? :(

I didn't help at all I KNOW - but hopefully proved you aren't alone or maybe just proved you aren't nearly as messed up as others! :) :p

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
In reply to: rebainmi
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 2:49pm

I absolutely believe in the power of positive thinking and the effects that it can have your life (like many people in this thread posted about and cited experiences from their life). Important, valuable life decisions.

However. Did you happen to see the Oprah about the Secret? Hilarious. SNL did a skit making fun of it just a week or two later - and it really easy stuff to make fun of. Positive thinking? Yes. Thinking that I will have a new house in 6 months and that my boyfriend will propose and that's the power of the SECRET and if it doesn't happen for you it's because you are believing enough? Eh.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2007
In reply to: rebainmi
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 3:24pm
It is all about believing. If you find a proper way to make yourself believe in your potential and a better future, then you can overcome past destructive habits and negative thought patterns. Finding that way to "re-condition" your mind and make yourself believe is not easy, sometimes it is a daily struggle, but you have to try--I think that this is the only way. You can't be skeptical about it if you really want to help yourself. I started with Karen Salmansohn's wonderful books (Be Happy, Dammit and Enough, Dammit)--she explains the same things in a fun and very insightful way. After that it was easy for me to believe in techniques like "Secret" or "The Circle" by Laura Day. Try to find out what approach works for you. It definitely has tremendous potential.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2004
In reply to: rebainmi
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 7:23pm

Haha, I missed the SNL skit but it reminds me of my friend who is kind of a boycotter of the Secret. She says "I believe that if you want something, you get it through hard work and determination, not just wishing for it!" and she's right, but on the other hand, who's to say that envisioning the kind of life you want for yourself won't make it better? I guess it's one of those "to each their own" situations, but I know I need to change mine. It's just hard to wake up and immediately tell myself "today is going to be the best day of my life" and all that, especially when by the end of it I'm so run down and I just don't want to move!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
In reply to: rebainmi
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 11:38am

It was really funny! I couldn't find it on YouTube ...

Definitely to each their own. I agree with your friend's hard work, by and large, but if you don't believe you can succeed in your goals, then it's hard to stay motivated and on track with the hard work. I'm a lawyer, always wanted to be lawyer, but I had to work my butt off in school, take on the loans, study, etc. - I couldn't just wish it. BUT, if I hadn't believe all along that I could do it and would do it, maybe I would have taken a break from school along the way and gotten sidetracked. I feel like I'm going in circles, but I guess what I'm saying, if helps make your life and life's journey better, than why not? Just be normal. Heh.

Off to wish myself into a hot body ...

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