Mainly a vent

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
Mainly a vent
9
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 8:57pm

I dont often post on these boards, but I am having a bit of a tough time lately.

I have been single for over 2 years now. Maybe I should note that relationship was my first... lasted almost 3 years, lived together for one. Ended badly, which I am mostly over. This left me with some trust issues, and a cynical view of relationships. I dated a few other men who seemed more than willing to have a relationship with me and when this was made clear to me and I had no feelings for them, I broke it off.

I am being hard on myself these days... its been over a year and a half since I've had a date. I'm a quiet, shy person and find it difficult to meet new people. My friends dont have anyone to set me up with, and they have started to get engaged/married. I recently started a graduate program which has about 85% woman enrollment... So not the best chances there.

I think my biggest problem is that I am quiet/shy which is extremely frustrating. I do make a point to try and talk to people but obviously it doesn't come across how I intend. I don't get approached out at bars etc, even though i am a very smiley reasonably attractive (id like to think) person. Maybe its the eye contact i am missing...

Not to mention my options are slim due to what I want in a man. Maybe i am too picky :( Yet I am not even getting to choose anything since there have been no interested parties.

Any insight is welcome, I think I know what is causing the lack of interest, but I may need someone else to give their opinion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
In reply to: cowgirl1228
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 11:36pm

The good news is shyness is curable. I used to be shy too when I was younger, but got over it slowly to the point that today I am the opposite of shy. But only because I made an effort to. Shy people are at a disadvantage in almost every aspect in life. From dating, to getting jobs, to being noticed by potential business partners, from making friends..just about everything. There are more shy people in the world than there are not, because being shy is easy. You only have to sit (or stand ) and do nothing.

Start with a few simple exercises. Talk to people you wouldn't normally talk to. Greet elderly people at stores and talk to them. Elderly people are the easiest to talk to and also the nicest. Not a lot of people talk to them , so if you do they will be especially nice to you. Hello back the WalMart greeter. I always do. Talk to people while at the check out isle. Comment on what they bought. You can get a minute or two of conversation right there. When its your turn, greet the cashier and TALK to him or her. Make some comments about the latest headlines on the rags on display. Depending on the cashier s/he will likely laugh or say a few things and you can continue the conversation till s/he is done loading the bags into your cart.

The whole point of exercises like these is to reduce your inhibition when talking to strangers. Once you start talking to people that you ordinarily wouldn't, believe me a whole new world will open up before you. Most people don't take the initiative to talk first(because like I said, its easier to not talk than to talk), but if YOU take the initiative to start a conversation you will be surprised how many open up quickly. In fact most people *wish* someone would come and talk to them. I can recommend a great book to you if you like.




Edited 9/7/2007 1:43 pm ET by capegirardeau
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: cowgirl1228
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 1:04am

The tried and true advice is to go out and do things in groups and don't try to date. Do things that you like to do, e.g. church, hiking, volunteering, etc.

You widen your circle of friends, be more at ease with people, and increase your chances of meeting a guy. You cannot lose.

www.meetin.org and www.meetup.com are social (non dating) groups that are nationwide. Try Craigslist under "community" as well.

Let us know what you do.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2007
In reply to: cowgirl1228
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 1:28am

I can relate, as I tend to be on the shy side myself (usually in non-work situations) and envy those who can move around a room of strangers with ease. It can also get lonely at times, especially since most of my friends either live far away or are married/expecting babies and have their own lives. But little steps help and I've started to refocus my energies on getting reconnected with activities, hobbies, etc. that will hopefully expand my circle of friends, instead of constantly chasing the question of "WHEN am I going to meet someone?!" It was a bit daunting at first and definitely outside of my comfort zone, going to classes, putting myself out there and not knowing another soul. But it does get easier over time if you stick with it...

-WF

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
In reply to: cowgirl1228
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 9:40am

Thank you for your replies. I guess it is one of those "suck it up and do it" situations. I have gotten a LOT better in the last few years (you should have seen me before!). But I'm still seen as the most quiet of any group I've been with.

My thing is that I cant THINK of anything to talk about. If I do, I'll say something... Thats the quiet part (which is completely different from being shy!) any suggestions for this?? It seems like if I'm chatting online I can think of stuff to say, but for some reason in person I can't. Am I too anxious to think? I'm not sure...

I guess some practise is in order...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
In reply to: cowgirl1228
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 9:59am
You said it in there, MAKE EYE CONTACT. Seriously, it helps. I used to be shy myself but college really broke me of that (after you're forced to speak only French in class and in presentations....it makes speaking English seem a lot easier :) ). No one really approached me either, but eventually I learned that flirty eye contact that works so well. It works wonders for getting men to approach you, in my experience. I would imagine they're a lot less anxious if they already have a hint that you're interested and aren't going to tell them to take a hike. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2007
In reply to: cowgirl1228
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 12:28pm

My thing is that I cant THINK of anything to talk about. If I do, I'll say something... Thats the quiet part (which is completely different from being shy!) any suggestions for this?? It seems like if I'm chatting online I can think of stuff to say, but for some reason in person I can't. Am I too anxious to think? I'm not sure...
******************
I think post number 2 was great advise. It also sounds like “talking” terrifies you. (-:
It could be something simple to start would help while you work on all that. You mentioned eye contact . . .

When YOU look at someone and they divert there eyes and look down . .what did they SAY to you?? Would you then feel comfortable walking up and talking to them?

Don’t start by trying to “force” eye contact, start by forcing yourself to simply “smile” at someone when you “happen” to make eye contact. Don’t look away, just smile, embarrassed smiles are some of the most beautiful. They are real, and say a lot about you.

Same question, YOU look at someone, your eyes MEET . . and he SMILES . .now what did he say to you? Would you feel better about speaking to him? And if he was blushing, and clearly a little embarrassed . .would he even a little less scary to you?

Simple, right? Bet if you get this part done, you get approached a lot more.

We in America do not have government by the majority. We have government by the majority who participate.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
In reply to: cowgirl1228
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 7:24pm

I wouldn't say I'm "terrified" of talking, more uncomfortable. But I appreciate your comments on body language. It is very true... who would want to approach me if I avoid looking at them?

I did force myself to be more talkative today at school, which was recieved well. So far so good... I guess I need to get myself out there. There is a get together on Sunday that I'm thinking I should attend... doesn't hurt to have friends who might know more single guys :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
In reply to: cowgirl1228
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 7:56pm

I am in sales, and I train sales people, so I am used to talking to people, even large groups of people . . that is easy. I cold call, go business who haven’t a clue who I am and talk my way to the right people. Walking up to a girl I want to meet . . THAT is scary. (-: Also like you, when I am “on” at work, no problem . .I know what to say, what needs to be communicated, easy. What to say to people I don’t know in general chit chat . . hard. I am not so different than you. (-:

Well, trying to get my wireless thing working for my daughter . . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
In reply to: cowgirl1228
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 8:06pm

Get this book - beg, borrow or steal. Or even buy. One of the most useful books I have read in my life.

http://www.amazon.com/Making-People-Talk-Conversation-Moment/dp/0688015913