Making Peace With Being Alone

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Making Peace With Being Alone
105
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 10:04am

I'm wondering if anyone else out there feels that realistically they may not ever find the right guy and may have to make thier peace with being single for the rest of their lives.

Granted, I'm almost 28 and still young, but I don't feel like the dating pool will get any better than what it is now (and it doesn't help that everyone older than me tells me it only gets worse)and I'm trying to accept that marriage and family may not be in the cards for me, no matter how badly I want it. I see so many females entering their 30s and 40s and giving up on finding a man and I think, that may very well be me.

But what bothers me most, I do want a family of my own. I'd love to raise children with a wonderful spouse. But I feel like I have to be realistic and admit that it may never happen.

Is there anyone else dealing with this or trying to make their peace with this. How do you feel about possibly never having a child of your own or never finding a committed loving relationship. I'm trying to not make it a big deal and focus on other things, the idea is always there. Everytime I see a couple holding hands down the street or a young father with his kids in the park or engagement ring commercials or or anything featuring two people sharing a life together.

How do you come to accept that this?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 5:29pm

<<>>

Well, that's an interesting interpretation, but not what I meant. I probably didn't fully express my thoughts...what I mean is that I've never bought into that "other half" ideology. I don't think we need a partner/spouse to complete us - I believe that we are fully complete, or should develop ourselves until we are, and that relationships/family/friends are enhancements to our lives, but not necessities in and of themselves.

Not that people aren't interested in putting a loved one ahead of themselves.

Is that clearer?

(And BTW, I love the twist on my name. LOL)


Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 5:30pm

I do have moments where I think that I'm going to be single forever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 5:37pm

Thank you...that's what I meant!

:)

Thanks Sheri for your words too. I don't care either what society thinks.

Anyway, I do lose hope as I get older & hope we can all find peace.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 5:48pm

I appreciate everyone's comments.

I agree that I'm probably too young to give up but I'm not one todelude myself into thinking that just because I want something, that I'm going to get it and sometimes I feel like it's better to assume the worse than to get my hopes up, as I don't deal with disappointment well.

Outside of dating (which I haven't actively done in months), I do have a fulfilling life. I am a marketing manager, in grad school, go out dancing twice a week, have a handful of fun, single girlfriends and I also get to travel and love writing in my spare time. But like someone said before, it can be hard being single in a couple's world. I have many goals and things I'd like to do in life, but I'd like someone to share those things with. While I am focused on my career right now, I worry that I will end up a very successful business women, making lots of money, with a luxorious home and things and honestly, it sounds very material to me. Things are not fulfilling to me, people and relationships are. At times, I crave physical affection so bad, it just kills me.

Maybe things will change, maybe they won't, I just want to get to a point where this isn't important to me anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 5:57pm

Well foxysister…,
I was using your words as a mirror of my thoughts not as an interpretation of what your true feelings are…, I found out long ago that I was unable to interpret women’s thoughts completely…, nowadays I rely on their actions to tell me what they mean…,

I still believe in that statement though; that most of us are saying we don’t mind someone tagging along but we’re certainly not going to put someone else’s happiness ahead of our own.

What you find in lasting relationships is that the partners cease being individuals and become one.., they do in fact lose themselves to the relationship, to some level.., and the really great ones are characterized by this deep underlying truth.

But yes..., what you meant is much clearer to me now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 6:09pm

********While I am focused on my career right now, I worry that I will end up a very successful business women, making lots of money, with a luxorious home and things and honestly, it sounds very material to me. Things are not fulfilling to me, people and relationships are. At times, I crave physical affection so bad, it just kills me.*********

"Out of the mouths of babes" (P.S. I mean babes as in young ones, not babes as in babes..., hahaha).

See..., this is what I'm talking about..., I meet so many women in their 40's that are just like this. Have we become so obsessed with success and material possession that we're willing to sacrifice personal and emotional growth in marriages?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 6:30pm

I've never found being focused on my career to be incompatible with being open to dating and relationships. You can do both ;-) (and even something else...I also sing as a hobby and have done so somewhat seriously for years)...it is possible to juggle several priorities at the same time. If you really want something, you make time for it...to me, it's as simple as that. I've never really understood why some people see it as one or the other, but perhaps some people are just not good at multi-tasking and/or finding balance in their lives.

Edited to add: I read this again after I posted and saw that it could be construed as saying that you are wrong to focus on your career. That's not what I'm trying to say *at all* but rather that it is possible to focus on more than one thing.

Sheri




Edited 12/28/2005 6:46 pm ET by northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 8:25pm

No, I do think you can have both and that is exactly what I want. I honestly can't see putting a career before having a family especially when jobs come and go but family is forever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 8:35pm

"See..., this is what I'm talking about..., I meet so many women in their 40's that are just like this. Have we become so obsessed with success and material possession that we're willing to sacrifice personal and emotional growth in marriages?"

I think you see what I'm getting at. Yeah, I will continue to pursue my career goals and still try to do all things I want and desire but I feel like what is success if I have no one to share it with.

Don't get me wrong, I have great friends right now, but even I can't delude myself into thinking they will always be around. I see how quickly they disappear when they get married and have kids and things and people just change. Besides, right now, girlfriends do not provide me with the type of companionship I'm craving.

I do get everything that people are saying and I'm going to try not to be so pessimistic. I think I'm probably around too many people with broken dreams and sob stories that it's easier to think 'why am I any different or special'.

I'll just have to focus on things that do fulfill me and not worry about love. That's my best plan.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 11:09pm
I think it's important to remember that sometimes, you don't have to have a plan. Sometimes, you can just go through a day or a week and just be in it without feeling the pressure of the single world. While I'll always believe hopes and dreams have their place and drive us to be who we ultimately are, I also think it's ok to put them aside for a while and just allow yourself to let go a little. I know it gets tiring to remind yourself to do this but I really think it's the best way to not miss what's happening right now.
Someone once told me to never forsake the present by worrying about the past or the future. That really helps me when I think about a) my past track record and b) the fact that I do not have a crystal ball for the future.

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