Making Peace With Being Alone

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Making Peace With Being Alone
105
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 10:04am

I'm wondering if anyone else out there feels that realistically they may not ever find the right guy and may have to make thier peace with being single for the rest of their lives.

Granted, I'm almost 28 and still young, but I don't feel like the dating pool will get any better than what it is now (and it doesn't help that everyone older than me tells me it only gets worse)and I'm trying to accept that marriage and family may not be in the cards for me, no matter how badly I want it. I see so many females entering their 30s and 40s and giving up on finding a man and I think, that may very well be me.

But what bothers me most, I do want a family of my own. I'd love to raise children with a wonderful spouse. But I feel like I have to be realistic and admit that it may never happen.

Is there anyone else dealing with this or trying to make their peace with this. How do you feel about possibly never having a child of your own or never finding a committed loving relationship. I'm trying to not make it a big deal and focus on other things, the idea is always there. Everytime I see a couple holding hands down the street or a young father with his kids in the park or engagement ring commercials or or anything featuring two people sharing a life together.

How do you come to accept that this?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 11:14pm

I try to answer the questions that are asked, and the OP asked how to accept being alone. I can only share my own experience with singlehood, which has turned out to be a positive one. At the age of 28, I would have thought that impossible. So you are not waiting for a partner to begin your life, but many young women do just that. I was cautioning the OP against putting her life on hold (just in case because for all I know she is living her life fully as well).

I don't think you should resign yourself at 40 to being alone - not if you don't want to be alone. I don't believe it's ever too late to find love or companionship. And you are in the majority when you express your desire to share your life with someone. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, and I once wanted the same thing. I'm perfectly happy without a partner, but I do have single friends and a few married friends as well, with whom I dine out, travel, and have fun. I hope you find some unattached friends because it does make it easier to be with other singles. FWIW, I wouldn't dream of going out to dinner alone on a Saturday night (unless I was traveling alone), because that would not be enjoyable to me. It wouldn't be enjoyable because of that societal stigma you mentioned. You're right, it does exist and I am not immune to feeling like an oddity in that situation. But I have no wish to dine out alone anyway, and society's attitude toward the single woman is not a reason for me to find a romantic partner.

I am having fun and I absolutely LOVE living alone. That doesn't mean I am a hermit and anti-social. IMO, not everyone needs a partner in life to be happy, and no one should assume that every single woman past a certain age is lonely, wanting a partner, or some kind of undesirable reject.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 11:55pm
Hi Sheri. That's funny because the other day, I was talking to my twice divorced single friend on the same topic. I feel exactly like your friend having no patience for the effort it takes to date. I told my friend that I would not be adverse to being in a relationship with a guy who is right for me, but he would have to drop out of the sky and land in my lap for that to happen - LOL.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 12:24am

Yes I know you were responding to her. I am not succumbing or think of the pressure society puts on me.

I know another woman who is 50 who is also quite happy. I don't have friends like you do & that does sadden me. I feel that people are preety much established in their friendships when they reach our age. Again, this is my experience.

I enjoy living alone too & I do know the grass is not always greener. I really do not need someone one...I want someone.

There is no tone to email & I did not mean to come off harsh which I think I also said. I guess it just struck a nerve in me. I have tried everything to be happy...just with myself. Sometimes that's a challenge too & then I realize that saying of" love your self first...ect. I have other issues & sometimes I don't know if I am healthy enough to be in a relationship.

Anyway, you sound like a very educated woman & wish you the best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 12:30am

I am not succumbing or think of the pressure society puts on me. I feel the same as you "
Honestly, I don't *care* what society thinks about single status...it's what I *want* that's important to me.
"

I KNEW that I didn't explain myself right...I just wanted to say it doesn't help & I do ignore it & just live my life.

I agree with you...I envy the peace. I see my neediness...sometimes as "neediness" sometimes as normal & healthy woman. Sometimes I just want sex but after having a few dents in the heart, I just won't do that to myself. I know some people can like Samantha on SITC, but then again that's TV.

Anyway, I needed to clarify.

Jstbu

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 1:18am

I wonder as a 52 yo man who wants to have a long term, committed relationship if women who are 40+ have increasingly little patience for creating a relationship. The guy has to be "perfect" from the get-go and if there is a hint of incompatibility then it ends? Or am I reading too much into this?

Please elaborate.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 3:34am

No Mark, you're right..., these women want it all!!

A higher education, career, great paying job, material possessions, family with a great looking guy who's also a successful business man, who helps around the house, surprises her and lavishes her with attention, dotes after the animals and the kids...,

..., eeeccchhh!!! Sounds like a bad episode of Oprah.

I disagree with a lot of the posters..., you can't have it all..., it doesn't work like that. Also their expectations of men are way too high..., of course you're going to be disappointed.., we're not superhuman (except in bed). I have been out with many a woman that didn't make it past the second date.., I'm never quite sure why but I expect I did or said something wrong in her mind..., and this is coming from a guy that gets high social marks..., what about the average Joe? This is why you hear the women saying the pool of guys to date is full of losers..., because their expectations are unreasonable.

I also disagree that you can be happy and fulfilled when you're single..., we are mammals.., mammals pair up and have sex, why?..., I'll tell you why..., millions of years of evolution has programmed them to do so..., we are programmed the same way..., we do have consciousness, and that consciousness can hold back instinct e.g. Ghandi basically starved himself to death.., his mind forced his body not to eat, but his body was hungry never the less...,

The women who say they are happy alone are simply disillusioning themselves and not looking deep enough to see the hunger their bodies crave..., this is at a sub-conscious level..., I am not happy being alone because I am genetically preprogrammed to have a mate. I am much happier in a relationship, that is for sure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 8:52am
So if we're so unrealistic, then what should we expect?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 11:22am

Not surprisingly, I see more of this from the other side...it seems like more guys have no patience for any woman who doesn't live up to an impossible standard from the get go ;-). To a certain extent, that's due to supply and demand, I think...guys in our age group have many more options than women do.

But I don't think that bashing one gender or the other gets us any closer to understanding. I can't speak for all women, obviously, but what I do is evaluate a guy based on what I've determined are my dealbreakers and the things I can't live without. It's a pretty short list, but it reflects my own values and morals and what I bring to a relationship. To me, stuff like how much money he makes and what he does for a living are not really factors...so long as he is financially stable and we have enough in common on an intellectual level to converse, I don't really care. So those things are not on my list.

I don't need or want a "perfect man", just someone who is right for me. The small stuff can be worked out, so long as we are compatible on the big picture level.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 11:25am

I don't think any of the posters claimed to be looking for a perfect guy (whatever that means - some arbitrary societal standard of perfect looks, lots of money, great job, ideal housecleaner, wonderful lover). I think most of the women who posted want the perfect guy FOR THEM. There's a difference. The guy who is perfect for me might be far different from the one who would be perfect for my best friend, or any of the other ladies on this board.

For example, I tend to not go for the pretty boys with lots of money and social influence. I am much more attracted to geeks, solid guys, and I find bald men sexy. Is that the societal standard?

I think the general idea, from what I gather from the posts, is that it is better to be alone than to settle for someone who isn't the right match FOR YOU. But, if that right match comes along, then great.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 11:42am

***I think most of the women who posted want the perfect guy FOR THEM.***

I could not agree more. While some women say that finances or looks are not important, some feel it is. I tend to date men who are successful because I have a prestigious job and many men (though not all) are intimidated by that. So dating someone with a well-paying professional job is not all about money and it certainly does not make one shallow. I like good looking men - but my good looking is not what every girl wants. I don't like men who are "cut." I like tall and thin men who are intelligent and cultured - I tend to date in the Frasier and Niles Crane category of men. Some women prefer the chippendales kind of good looks.

Whatever our preferences, there is a great amount of subjectivity to that. I remember Hal writing on here about that awhile ago. He made a good point - why should he get slammed for wanting a woman who is thin when it is a matter of preference, not so much that he is looking for that unattainable woman who has caused the rest of us to hate our bodies. (Hal - I am paraphrasing so let me know if I am doing your POV an injustice).

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