Making Peace With Being Alone

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Making Peace With Being Alone
105
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 10:04am

I'm wondering if anyone else out there feels that realistically they may not ever find the right guy and may have to make thier peace with being single for the rest of their lives.

Granted, I'm almost 28 and still young, but I don't feel like the dating pool will get any better than what it is now (and it doesn't help that everyone older than me tells me it only gets worse)and I'm trying to accept that marriage and family may not be in the cards for me, no matter how badly I want it. I see so many females entering their 30s and 40s and giving up on finding a man and I think, that may very well be me.

But what bothers me most, I do want a family of my own. I'd love to raise children with a wonderful spouse. But I feel like I have to be realistic and admit that it may never happen.

Is there anyone else dealing with this or trying to make their peace with this. How do you feel about possibly never having a child of your own or never finding a committed loving relationship. I'm trying to not make it a big deal and focus on other things, the idea is always there. Everytime I see a couple holding hands down the street or a young father with his kids in the park or engagement ring commercials or or anything featuring two people sharing a life together.

How do you come to accept that this?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 11:42am
Nicely said.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 11:56am

Expect me to have some flaws..., accidently put my elbows on the table at an expensive cocktail party..., realize I will forget about you while I'm at your in-laws for some birthday party of a person I just met, but am in the den watching football with some of the male dudes in your family...,

..., give us a break..., take some time to get to know us..., you know were pretty nervous during the first few weeks and are trying our best to not screw up...,

..., also stop thinking every guy needs to look like a male model..., or have money...,

It's been said that women either date up or across..., this meaning you'll date your peers or men more successful than you..., I'm sure this is a remnant of your genetic programming for a protector/providor which is not needed in this day and age..., try dating some guys who are in the service sector for once...., you would be surprised..., some of these blue collar types are the greatest guys in the world...,

Women think pool boys are just for flings..., but a man will date and even marry a scrub woman..., a nice smile and pleasant disposition is all we need.

How's that for starters?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 11:57am

>He made a good point

I sometimes do.

>Hal - I am paraphrasing so let me know if
>I am doing your POV an injustice

No Jules, I agree with you completely.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 11:59am

OK Shari...,

I'm calling you on this..., let me see your short list of deal breakers!

..., if you show me yours..., I'll show you mine ;-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 12:00pm
adrastos, you make men sound pathetic.
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 12:07pm

I think that most of us here (and most women I know) are looking to get what we offer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 12:13pm

If this is true then why do you hear the women constantly saying how shallow the dating pool is or how polluted it is?

..., you would think you would hear more statements like "he's a great guy but not the right guy for me..., but I thought he would be perfect for Darla so I set them up"..., nope..., you hear the women say he wasn't this or wasn't that and those this & thats ARE societal standards...,

Disillusion yourself if you want but I can give you the e-mail addresses of at least 4 short guys who are nice looking, successful, and kind but can't get a date for the life of them because they are 5" 6" or below (poor sorry SOB's...,)..., women over 40 won't date short guys period..., doesn't sound like this great humanitarian female agenda you speak of to gauge them on their personalities....,

How many short guys have you dated..., how many busboys?

At least I can say I've dated women shorter than me.., taller than me (I'm 6 feet tall)..., bigger than me..., smaller than me...., make more money than me..., make way less money than me..., worked as waitresses..., press girls in a laundromat..., and even a CEO..., and a biker chick (OK dirt bikes..., those Harley chicks scare me, hahaha.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 12:14pm
Hi Mark. I can only speak for myself, but it's not that I had or have no patience for a relationship. It is true that I don't have much patience for the dating process, and of course that must happen before there can be a relationship. Aside from that, I've never sought "perfection" in a man. As I grew older my standards changed in regards to looks and height. I stopped caring about those attributes in a man as long as there was chemistry. But I always wanted a man with attributes like intelligence, integrity, kindness, with an outgoing personality, and compatible with me. Those wants never changed for me, I just had a lot of trouble finding that guy. And I admit that a lot of my difficulties in finding the right guy had to do with me making some really bad choices in men in my youth. If a man with every attribute that I really want in a partner appeared on my doorstep tomorrow, I'd take him in a heartbeat because he would be "perfect" for me. I won't settle for less (because less would mean stupid, low moral values, and mean), and the alternative suits me just fine.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 12:21pm

The first part of what you mentioned sounded pretty realistic to me... I don't know anyone who's expecting constant perfection. I think I even mentioned myself that I understand the toilet seat will be left up sometimes (sort of like elbows on the table once in a while).

The second part of women dating "up or across" is generally true but I don't think it's because all sucessful women are being snobby and not willing to date "blue collar" types. I have three friends who are educated professionals (engineer, teacher, architect) and are married to construction workers. They all seem pretty happy as couples and honestly, have pretty good incomes. However, I don't think you can generalize blue collar because these men are sucessful based more on who they are and less on their jobs. For instance, there's the guy that's a construction worker but can't seem to hold down a job, so he flits around from company to company, not showing up on time and doing shoddy work. Then, there's the guy that does good work, is dependable and works hard to be sucessful at his job and usually, finds a way to move up in the work he does. So in this case, you couldn't just judge a man by the color of his collar.

And finally, here's my question to you: If I've worked hard to be well-educated, diverse, financially successful and stable, in shape, and happy, why should I look for something other than that in a partner? Someone who's opposite me in these areas is not going to be a good match anyway, so why would I bother to waste either of our time?

Edited for duplication.




Edited 12/29/2005 12:25 pm ET by lesleylou
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 12:23pm

Whatever..., I obviously don't agree with you..., and I don't usually side with any of your posts either...,

..., trust me..., I'm sure we are totally different men and therefore have a totally different point of view from where we're standing...,

..., doesn't mean I dicount anything you say.., just means I don't give it any credence...., and if I remember correctly you're just a young lad and have a lot of learning to do.

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