Making Peace With Being Alone

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Making Peace With Being Alone
105
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 10:04am

I'm wondering if anyone else out there feels that realistically they may not ever find the right guy and may have to make thier peace with being single for the rest of their lives.

Granted, I'm almost 28 and still young, but I don't feel like the dating pool will get any better than what it is now (and it doesn't help that everyone older than me tells me it only gets worse)and I'm trying to accept that marriage and family may not be in the cards for me, no matter how badly I want it. I see so many females entering their 30s and 40s and giving up on finding a man and I think, that may very well be me.

But what bothers me most, I do want a family of my own. I'd love to raise children with a wonderful spouse. But I feel like I have to be realistic and admit that it may never happen.

Is there anyone else dealing with this or trying to make their peace with this. How do you feel about possibly never having a child of your own or never finding a committed loving relationship. I'm trying to not make it a big deal and focus on other things, the idea is always there. Everytime I see a couple holding hands down the street or a young father with his kids in the park or engagement ring commercials or or anything featuring two people sharing a life together.

How do you come to accept that this?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 2:56pm

If you're not going to respect people (in any arena of life) in how you address them and their opinions, then don't expect it in return.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 2:56pm

Jules, thanks for being reasonable in agreeing to disagree. For me, it's really more of a moral/values issue having to do with what the role of government should be in looking after its least fortunate members. It's hard enough being the only liberal in a family of conservatives (we just don't talk politics...or rather they try, and I just shut down, it's too painful)...I can't imagine living with someone who is so different from me on such a fundamental level. Well actually, I did try...my 4 year post-divorce relationship was with a man who is very conservative politically and that's part of the reason we didn't make it as a couple...our values were just too different, plus he was very judgmental about my views (basically his approach was, you're wrong and not only are you wrong, you're stupid for thinking that way).

But for the record, I do not think that ALL conservatives are bigoted and intolerant...but it does seem to be more common among conservatives, especially the religious right.

So, no, we aren't meant to be, I'm afraid ;-).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 3:03pm

I've been told that when you're beating your head up against a wall and not even a crack is appearing that all you need do is stop.., turn either right or left..., and walk around the wall..,

I have not told anyone what to do, or what is right for them..., all I said was "that's BS" and went on to explain my feeling in the matter..., my opinion, through my views...,

..., if you don't like my views you can simply ignore them..., I have no problem ignoring yours..., I mean I'm sure you are a great person and work religiously to politically change the plight of the downtrodden....,

I simply run around speaking my thoughts..., last time I looked that wasn't a bad thing.

So I have 3 failed marriages and viewpoints which could be construed as mysoginistic..., doesn't mean I'm a mysoginist..., just as negative comments about men on this board doesn't mean the women are misandrists..., and certainly failed marriages are just a reflection of society and a 60% divorce rate..., I know quite a few men and women in the same boat and I have never looked down on them because of it..., does that mean I own higher moral ground than you?..., nope..., we're all on the same level here...,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 3:08pm

I am the only conservative in a family where my parents met in the Youth International Party (yep, they were Yippies) and my sister marched on Dc for the 25th anniversary of Roe V Wade. I understand what you mean about being alone on your end of the spectrum at family parties. :)

As for agreeing to disagree, that is something that has to happen in order to have sound debate an discussion. People spend too much time trying to be right and convince others and not enough time listening to one another so that we can work together on finding solutions.

And I agree that it is about values to a certain extent. I am not a religious person at all but I feel strongly that conservative economic policies are more likely to end dependency on the state than the social welfare programs that are the darlings of the left (as an example)..

As for which side has more closed minds - it depends on which side you stand on because the view is going to be different on one end than on the other. When I was on the Left growing up and into college, I never felt like conservatives automatically thought I was stupid or closed minded for disagreeing with them. But, since becoming a Republican a number of years ago, I have gotten more narrow minded and uncompromising statements about my character from people who don't know me than I had in all of my previous life combined.

So there is plenty of closed mindedness and nastiness to go around for everyone. There are also good hearted people who really believe in our system of government and the necessity of differing parties on all sides of the spectrum.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 3:12pm

If you're talking about politics by the third date you obviously have no grasp on dating whatsoever...,

Dating 101 (for middle of the road...., liberal conservatives);

1) no discussions of politics, sex, or religion for at least the first few dates.

2) also the first few dates should be fun active dates that require little monetary expenditure and focus on laughter and spontaneity

3) no advances for sexuality on the first few dates except for an occasional after or before date kissing.

There’s more..., but nothing will turn a guy off more than the “20 question date interview”…, or obviously dangerous waters known as item #1 above…,

…, and by the way jules…, please don’t listen to me on this one…, read any dating book…, talk to any dating coach…, or ask anyone else…, but whatever you do don’t listen to me…,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 3:15pm

Don't worry - as I said earlier, your love life looks nothing like what I want mine to look like - so there's no way that I am going to use your posts to guide my dating life. I mean, I see how well those books worked for you.

And you obviously have no idea how dating works in DC or in the political arena or you wouldn't have bothered writing that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 3:28pm
Maybe if we had a "grasp on real dating" we would understand. :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 3:30pm
Hehehe
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 3:33pm

Sheri...,

It doesn't sound like it was his political ideology that was the problem but his lack of tolerance in accepting others peoples opinions..., I accept all your opinions, I simply don't agree with them or give them any credence..., they're yours and as precious to you as mine are to me...,

You could get along fine with a Right Wing Conservative with no problems at all as long as those core characteristics of tolerance and acceptance..., not to mention kindness..., exist..., so I still think I'm right on saying these are not stumbling blocks.

Now..., I definitely have opinion and stand behind them..., but when differences of opinions have come up in my relationships it's been a simple matter of agreeing to disagree, I can totally diagree with a woman yet still love her..., imagine that..., belittling or berating behavior solves nothing...., like calling someone a mysoginist (which you didn't do)..., nothing accomplished..., hasn't changed anything...,

Really I'd be turned off if on the second or third date the woman I'm with started asking what my political leanings are..., hell, that can't even be quantified..., I'm a little Liberal, with a dash of Indepenant, throw in some Right Wing Conservatism, remove all Christian Right, toss in some Marxism, and don't forget a "Warmonger Soup Bone"..., and you have the brand new political party of my making...,

Most people who are intollerant have some religious or pius dogma screwing up their minds anyway...., there may even be some of those types right here on this board...,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 3:46pm

Nobody here called you a mysoginist - I assume that was a passive swipe at the comment I made about you expressing some mysoginist views. I did not, however, call you a mysoginist.

Since nobody here has ever said that they were religious that I can recall, I don't know who you could be talking about as far as that kind of dogma "screwing up their minds." You only want people to be open minded when considering YOUR point of view. When Sheri said that hers involved politics as a criteria for choosing a mate, you called that "BS" which I don't see as a very open minded way of accepting her wants and needs and views.

What works for the goose must work for the gander. As Leslylou (our youlou or whatever you called her) said, you need to respect the point of view of other people if you want that respect in return.

You also need to have some logical consistency (as Hal pointed out).

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